A
female
age
51-59,
*orothea
writes:My lover lives abroad but we see each other as often as possible. However there is something that bothers me about him, he keeps his porn actually locked in a drawer and wont let me see it (although he did once ask if I wanted to watch a porn film together with him, I declined). What worried me is what is the big deal that it has to be locked away? To me that suggests that it is maybe child porn or something very violent? We email each other every day but yesterday I could not contain my curiosity any more and actually asked him whether he has something like this. He did not answer my email and now I fear that he is offended and I wont hear from him again. We have known each other for many years its not just a fleeting thing, but I cannot stand this type of secrecy in any kind of relationship. I wonder why it is that men always have to sneak around and be secretive when it comes to their sexual dealings? What do you think I should do now?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2010): Porn, for some men is a very private issue. Frankly it's none of your business what he has in his porn drawer. If he wants to keep that private that's his choice.
I'm sure you have your own things you like to keep private from other people, I'm sure you have secrets you'll probably never tell him because you won't or can't. How would you like it if he asked you about these things, then he accused you of being an axe murderer because you wouldn't tell him?
The fact is OP, he offered to watch a porn movie with you and you declined and then you went and asked him if he was paedophile because he likes to keep his taste in porn private?
You basically attacked his character based on an assumption, you basically asked him if he was one of the most vile people that has ever existed, because that's what paedophiles are, they're vile. Which basically means if he doesn't tell you something you're gonna think the worst thing possible about that thing.
So if he goes out and he doesn't know yet what his plans are, are you going to assume he's going to be out raping children? Because that basically seems like the kind of conclusion you'd jump to.
Have you even considered he just has a fetish? Something he wants to introduce to you slowly? Maybe he likes feet, or spanking. Maybe he has a fetish that's a little embarrassing and now you've compounded it by asking him if he's a violent paedophile.
I think you should walk away, you obviously think very little of this man to assume he keeps child porn or violent porn locked away, of all the other millions of possibilities you chose the worst two imaginable. I think if you can't handle him wanting to have some things private in his life the you should go find someone else.
A
female
reader, cocoqueen88  +, writes (25 August 2010):
 I don't know why you'd assume that it's that type of porn. He offered to watch it with you so I doubt it. He probably locks it up just because it's a personal thing since you obviously didn't show any intrest in it. And the mere fact that you assumed that he has that type of porn probably offended him more than anything.
And this sentence make NOOOO sense to me..."I cannot stand this type of secrecy in any kind of relationship." when you clearly stated that he told you that he has them and even OFFERED to watch them together!! I don't see any sneaking around or secrecy here. All I see is you being a snooper.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 August 2010):
 I wouldn't assume it child porn or bestiality/SM/BM - it could be very vanilla, unless you are WAY younger then him?
I would guess he IS offended by you thinking he could go for that kind of porn.
Some men guard their porn from their partner, because they don't want to offend their partner by watching porn in the first place. Because porn in most cases causes trouble in a relationship. Lots of women have self esteem issues and your man watching porn only makes them feel their self esteem going further down. Not all women get why men "NEED" to watch that crap when they have a live women in their life.
Instead of asking him is it ... ? I would tell him that you are curious as to WHY he locks it away.
You making assumptions is WAY worse them him keeping his porn private, if you ask me.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (25 August 2010):
 It's because as children we're taught masturbation is dirty and porn is the worst thing you can ever do, ever. Does his porn bother you? If it doesn't I wouldn't assume it's child porn or bestiality. Especially since he offered to watch it with you.
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A
female
reader, Alittlebroken +, writes (25 August 2010):
 I think that if you are worried about what kind of porn it is, you should just break into the drawer and have a look at it. If it is something violent or something that you do not approve of, at least your mind will be at rest; everyone has different sexual preferences and you should be accepting of them. However imagine how you would feel if it was child porn or if he is phoning girls or using hookers- you need to know. If he cares about you he would share this information with you- it is one thing being embarassed by porn, and another to actually hide it away and lock it. Alarm bells are ringing here.
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