A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:i am with a lovely man who is kind and gentle. He likes his porn and one day i asked him why. His response was that "they are better looking than me". Well, I was devastated. Since then I have forgiven him but I find intimacy with him very difficult now and feel so much less affectionate toward him. How can I get that loving feeling back because he really is a nice person.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2009): Ummm... even though I have nothing against porn, what he said sounds like a red flag to me. Its not his porn use that's getting to me, but what he said to you. And I can not reconcile someone saying that to them also being a "nice person". How long have you been seeing this guy? How really well do you know him? Because for a man to say that to the woman he's dating (and having sex with) that's just cruel. And maybe the reason its hard for you to get that "loving feeling" back is because maybe you got a glimpse of the real him and its not very "kind and gentle."
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2009): How dare he!!!I take it you mean he said "they are better looking than you"? Any girl would be devestated to hear those words from a man who suposedly loves them. A man that truely loved you would NEVER say that to you! He is just plain right cruel and is palying on your low self esteem. He must have known that you are so vulnerable that you would forgive him. He knows that you will not leave him thats why he felt he could use such a hurtful remark against you, to bring you down and shut you up. He is the opposite of everything you have said he is sweetheart, you really need to open your eyes. You wouldn't be on here if he really was a NICE, KIND person.Here are the online dictionarys deffinitions of a NICE, KIND and GENTLE person:Nice: adjective; Refined in manners, language, etc.: example: Nice people wouldn't do such things.Antonyms of nice: Unkind, unpleasant.Kind: adjective; Having, showing, or proceeding from benevolence. example: kind words.Antonyms of kind: Unkind, cruel, hurtful.Gentle: adjective; kindly; amiable: a gentle manner.Antonyms of gentle: Harsh, cruel.Even nice people say the wrong thing occasionally of course but what he said to you was very uncalled for and nasty. Can he imagine how he would feel if you had said that to him? I really hope you find the strength to stand up for yourself, you deserve SO much better, there are guys out there who ARE actaully nice, and I mean NICE who would never talk to you like that!!! My boyfriend has never said anything like that and iv been with him for 3 years, and im not exactly porn star looking!! We had issues over porn a year ago but he cared about me enough to be considerate of me where it was invloved so we have no issues now. If he ever disrespected me like your bloke has you he knows he would get a massive slap around the face and kicked out the door!Your man is manipulating you and is very VERY sad. Sorry and good luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): I'm with Emily here. How insensitive for him to tell you straight face! I'm sorry, but I would be in a seperate bedroom for a while...making him want the real thing. Sometimes I take negative criticism, and use it for my own good. For instance, what do you think of going to a gym to get the best body you can? Make him drool:) I know it's not necessarily the answer to get back that loving feeling, but it would help you in the meantime...
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female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (18 March 2009):
Harold Shipman was a nice person, he then got put in prison for being Britain's most prolific serial killer.
Fred West was described as lovely and helpful by neighbours and he tortured imprisoned and raped and murdered 17 women.
You say he is gentle and kind but that is pretty much the most hurtful thing anyone could say to a woman.
You just saw a glimpse of what he is really like, and not just the respectable polite side he's been giving out so far.
If a guy said that to me I would have told him that I'm sorry I'm not up to his standards and then left, and he would never ever have seen me again. You don't even say he apologised for it!!!!
Seriously, how low does your self esteem have to be that you come here thinking YOU have the problem?
Good Luck!! xx
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male
reader, Replacement  +, writes (18 March 2009):
 What an idiot. Has pretty much just sabotaged any chance at a fulfilling (real) sex life and opted instead for the cheap thrill of porn. He may be "kind and gentle" in your eyes, but he's a moron in mine.
I'm not sure if there is a fix for this. He's placed very real doubts in your mind about his level of commitment and respect for you, not to mention probably made a deep scratch in your self esteem. I guess it is what it is now and you have to decide where to go from here... whether to forgive or forget... it won't be easy to do, you'll have to weigh the pros and cons of maintaining this relationship for yourself.
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reader, jessica04  +, writes (18 March 2009):
 Ummm, he doesn't sound very kind and gentle to me. He sounds rude and obnoxious. The fact that he thought those words were O.K. to say just shows his lack of integrity.
honestly, I would suggest couples counseling. First, to touch on his porn issue. Second, so he can be helped to understand how rude and hurtful he was to you.
Until he can see that what he did was callous, and is truly sorry for it, you will probably always feel this way to some extent.
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