A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. I'm writing in because my boyfriend has a porn addiction. He's been trying to break the addiction for almost 6 months but he hasn't done well. He's trying, but keeps slipping back into the habit. I'm trying to be supportive of his recovery and I've asked him to be honest with me, but he won't. I've caught him looking up porn twice now through the internet history he forgot to erase. Both times angered me very, very much because he promised he would inform me of all slips. The first time was a month and a half ago and I calmly confronted him about his dishonesty. He promised to tell me if he slipped again. Well, lo and behold, that didn't happen because I found out about another hidden slip last week. I just don't know what to think anymore...my bf is so sweet and loving and yet he lies to me. He's said over and over again that he REALLY wants to quit and wants to be honest with me. I want to believe him, because he seems so sincere, and yet I feel like a fool whenever I realize I've been duped. I'm tired of feeling like an idiot. The other part to this is the kind of porn he's into. My bf is very much into "extreme naturals" -ridiculously large breasts. This just irritates me to no end because my breasts are small and I know he doesn't like them. He's told me so himself. I feel so inadequate and hideous anymore. I just can't take this emotional abuse much longer; my self-esteem is at an all-time low. I feel like whenever we're at classes or just out anywhere and a busty girl walks past us that he's just drooling all over her...I'm sure he is. And I feel like whenever we're intimate he's not even thinking about me. I'm paranoid in that I think whenever he's aroused at all it's not thoughts of me that's arousing him, but thoughts of the porn. Is it wrong that I can't stand the thought of him staring at other girls' breasts and masturbating to them? I've talked to my bf about this many times, and yesterday he said that porn gives him things that I don't and can't. This upsets me greatly. I really think his porn problem has caused irrepairable damage to our relationship and to my self-esteem. Please, anyone, what should I do about this? I really don't want to break up with my bf. We've been together for over a year now and I'm very reliant on him in many ways...breaking up isn't even a realistic option. Should I just get over this and let him keep watching porn? If that's what I should do, then how can I get over the pain and aggravation? If not, then what can I do to help him stop? In either case, what can I do to restore my self-esteem? Any suggestions or comments are greatly appreciated because at this point I just feel like giving up.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2008): How disgusting of your boyfriend.
He is the one in the wrong here and as another female I REALLY hope you don't let his idea of what's attractive cloud your own self worth.
He is the one with the issues here, 99.9% of guys will appreciate a beautiful pair of breasts regardless of what size they are, unfortunately you just landed the one guy who has an unhealthy obsession with the unattainable.
If I had listened to what my first boyfriend thought of my body, god I'd be covered up for the rest of my life! And then I wouldn't have heard all of the praise following partners had for it.
Males can be so disgustingly picky especially in our age bracket.. what one man can pick apart is the best body another man has ever encountered.
A
female
reader, bubbloo24  +, writes (9 November 2008):
 I'm not going to deny it, hun. It's a very hard road to take, but sometimes the hardest route is the best path to take because it makes you a much stronger person and helps you learn from this occasion and know not to take it in future as you'll be so much happier and relieved.
You can do it.
He doesn't deserve someone so devoted and caring and he's going to lose the best thing that has happened to him.
Remember that.
xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your responses. I appreciate it. I KNOW what I have to do know, but going through with it will be much harder.
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A
female
reader, bubbloo24 +, writes (8 November 2008):
You need to get out of there!
If this wasn't you writing this problem and you read it, what would you say? You'd tell them to leave because he obviously will not give up anything for you.
You want a guy who will do ANYTHING to make you happy.
You put so much effort into to trying to help him, hun. Think about yourself for a minute here.
You seem to becoming very self critical because of his harsh words, and it is natural to feel this way. But what he is doing is bang out of order! Think of your self worth. You're attempts to make him change are all in vain, there is only so much a person can take.
I'll use my sister as an example, she was with someone for four years and he REFUSED to give up the drink no matter what she tried so she left him, and he STILL hasn't changed. I have a feeling this man will be the same.
Look in the mirror and say to yourself "I'm worth so much more than this and I deserve someone who will treat me better" Because there will be someone out there who'll treat you ten times as better than he is. He's a waste of time and energy. Please don't cling onto this and drag out the pain - the end of relationships are like plasters, you can rip them off and end the pain quickly or drag it off and cause it to sting more.
Is this really your ideal guy? Is this really th guy you want to spend to rest of your life with?
Never settle for second best or lower, hun.
Take care, please think about yourself now.
xx
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (8 November 2008):
You say you are reliant on him. Why? I think you are only reliant on him because your self esteem is so low.
So many women in the world survive without your boyfriend, why can't you be one of them?
I think you know deep down he has no intention of quitting porn because he has no respect for you and openly tells you that you are not good enough for him.
For your own sanity sweetie I think you need to get out of this relationship.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2008): It is a bad habit. It can be just as bad as drugs or alcohol for that matter.
After all, he would not like it if you looked at men who had a large penis, to look at things on the other side of the coin.
Try and help him do more constructive activities than looking at pornography - if he erases the history, use a free internet history eraser to ensure permanent deletion (deleting the history does not work - take this from a tech support guy!), you may as well start off with a clean slate when browsing the Internet from now on.
AC
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