| A
female
age
36-40,
*onyams
writes: I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now and I love him with all of my heart and soul but he hurts me so much! He is always lying to me. He says he won't do drugs and then he goes out with his friend and does them, he never answers my calls or calls me unless he wants something. It's like im not important to him unless he's ready for me. For a while he was even talking to a girl on the net and on his phone who he would say he loved every day but he says thats not cheating. Whenever I try to talk to him and tell him the things he's doing wrong he goes psycho and wants to say I'm being a b*** and accusing him. He threatens to leave me and cheat on me and everything else. I know I should leave him but I can't. I love him so much but he needs help and I don't know what to do. I'm so tired of crying everyday. He tells me that he loves me more than anything and wants to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me but he won't commit. He says he's scared to. He says it's my faught we fight so much and when i say it isn't and try to tell him why he says see right there that's why it's your fault to. He lives an hour away and is 20 years old but is so childish. I can't stand it. He only comes and sees me on Thursdays. any of the other days if he has to do ANYTHING he won't come see me. Shouldn't he do everything in his power to do so? Why can't he work me into his life instead of putting me on the back burner? I am only good to him when he has nothing else on his plate. Here is one of our Ims: Sonya: heyjonathan psych1ks: hi loveSonya: well ya comin?jonathan psych1ks: nope, be tomorrow before i make it for sure at least as of right now no worriesSonya: why not tonight?jonathan psych1ks: have to get up to early tomorrowSonya: for some reason i figured thatSonya: im not bitching but the only time you ever have to "get up early" is when i want you to come over Sonya: whenever i want you to come you have an excuse but when you wanna come over then its fineSonya: why does that not sound rightjonathan psych1ks: maybe beause when u want me to come i have stuff that has to be donejonathan psych1ks: and when i want to come, i dont have shit to doSonya: there has been plenty of times when you had to go home early and you still cameSonya: if you came tonight youd be home early because i have to get up early to go with my dadjonathan psych1ks: why do u keep on when my decision u know is not going to change?jonathan psych1ks: hmm?jonathan psych1ks: hmm?jonathan psych1ks: alrightjonathan psych1ks: talk to u later thenjonathan psych1ks: goin to hit the bedSonya: just cause i aint talkin doesnt mean you have to go to bedjonathan psych1ks: sure it doesjonathan psych1ks: if nobody is going to talk, why stay up?Sonya: i want you to come and know you could if you wanted to but i also know your not gonna make an exception for me so why talkjonathan psych1ks: ...jonathan psych1ks: look if i didnt have anything to do i would be therejonathan psych1ks: there is shit i have to get done firstSonya: i know you say that but you could still come and get up earlyjonathan psych1ks: no i cantjonathan psych1ks: because i cnat be tired tomorrowSonya: you know i have had boyfriends who would do anything and everything they could to be with me even when they had stuff to dojonathan psych1ks: and i have to look "neat" and dressed upSonya: where are you going?jonathan psych1ks: then fucking find onejonathan psych1ks: stop telling mejonathan psych1ks: i dont want to be with someone that keeps telling me "well i have had boyfriends do this and that for me"jonathan psych1ks: i am not themjonathan psych1ks: i am mejonathan psych1ks: if you cant handle what i doSonya: well be righSonya: rightjonathan psych1ks: gojonathan psych1ks: i'm tired of hearing itSonya: no because if i fucking leave you then somehow youll make it my damn faultjonathan psych1ks: no still yet i say 50 50Sonya: wrongjonathan psych1ks: no it is not wrongSonya: i have done nothing wrongSonya: in this relationshipjonathan psych1ks: i call bullshitjonathan psych1ks: a big steaming pile of itSonya: what then have i dontSonya: if so then you can tell me whatjonathan psych1ks: fresh out the bulls assSonya: tell me jonathan psych1ks: first, you have no freakin idea when to leave something alone and let it gojonathan psych1ks: second, its always MY faultjonathan psych1ks: fuck youjonathan psych1ks: some is yours toojonathan psych1ks: ur just too ignorant to see itjonathan psych1ks: third, its always "i have had boyfriends that do this or that, or i will find someone that will do this or that"jonathan psych1ks: i dont care, if you want someone else, go get themjonathan psych1ks: dont tell me about itSonya: i dont want no one else jonathan psych1ks: well sure the fuck looks like it this wayjonathan psych1ks: when all you want to fuckin do is piss me off some how or anotherSonya: no i dont want to piss you off you hurt me every fucking dayjonathan psych1ks: then where evenSonya: i do nothing to youjonathan psych1ks: noSonya: i do nothing but tell you what your doing wrong your the ifnorant one because thats what your supposed to do in a relationshipjonathan psych1ks: u just infurate me to the point i want to say "fucking be gone"jonathan psych1ks: a relationship is compromise and understandingSonya: well then thats just you becasue i do nothing nothing wrongjonathan psych1ks: u sure the fuck dont know what compromise isjonathan psych1ks: or understandingSonya: no idont know what lieing and betrayel and cheating and all that is no i dontjonathan psych1ks: u do nothign wrong ehjonathan psych1ks: thats the biggest load of shitjonathan psych1ks: i have EVER heard in 20 yearsSonya: whatever jonathan you make me the way i am by the shit you do and the ways yo are to mejonathan psych1ks: same to youSonya: you disrespect me you lie to me you cheat on meSonya: and everything elsejonathan psych1ks: hahajonathan psych1ks: see thats anotherjonathan psych1ks: u accuse me of shit i dont dojonathan psych1ks: so fucking muchSonya: bullshitjonathan psych1ks: that i want to go do itjonathan psych1ks: u know whatjonathan psych1ks: fuck youSonya: what have you not done?jonathan psych1ks: if i cheat on u so god damn muchSonya: cheat?jonathan psych1ks: tomorrow i think i will go fucking do itSonya: well fucking go thenjonathan psych1ks: then u can say i haveSonya: i got news for youjonathan psych1ks: instead of accusing me of something i have not donejonathan psych1ks: i got some fuckin news for you tooSonya: online deception is fucking emotional cheating ass hole'remember i saw the emails i argued witht he girl who you said i love you to every damn day that we were going out rememberjonathan psych1ks: then BYEjonathan psych1ks: i cant put up with youjonathan psych1ks: it is impossable to even fucking reason with youjonathan psych1ks: i can not take any more of this shitjonathan psych1ks: makes me want to buy a damn eightball jonathan psych1ks: i have no other fuckin ideas on how i can get u to understand i have shit to do here before i can ever even come see youjonathan psych1ks: sojonathan psych1ks: i must give upjonathan psych1ks: oh well guess u leftjonathan psych1ks: guess i will hit the bed thenjonathan psych1ks: i do love you honey very much, but you can not understand or compromise anySonya: you need helpjonathan psych1ks: yes you dojonathan psych1ks: very muchSonya: yea i do need help Sonya: i need help on how to leave some one who i love very much because they are worthlessjonathan psych1ks: i need help finding someone that can understand anc compromise with me that i live in my parents house at the moment, i have currently NO CHOICE but to follow there rules, cuz is there house, and compromise with me that every chance i get that i will be with themjonathan psych1ks: alsojonathan psych1ks: i need anger managementI'm sorry this is so long but I need help! I don't care if it's not published
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AngelofLove  +, writes (9 January 2007):
 This relationship is not healthy.
First paragraph was telling me that he was a control freak and a very shelfish one.
The rest told me that neither of you respect each other. A relationship should make both parties feel happy and enjoy that in love feelings. Yours is making you both feel miserable and abusive towards each other.
Find someone more compatible is my advice.
Good luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2007): Hey! I'm not exactly the person to answer this. I have no backbone whatsoever when it comes to things like that. I'm more of the queit type when things like this come up, which isn't the way to take care of it when something like this is going on. I can't leave my boyfriend even if he DOES do some mean things every now and then, and takes everything too far...But think about it. If you can. I can't.
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A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (8 January 2007):
 I don’t know how old u are but judging by the coversion you guys are still very young. I think you just need to leave jonathan and let him live his life, let him learn his lessons he is uncontrollable and not ready to commit being 20 doesn’t mean he is matured to be your husband enough it might take him years to come out of this childish behavior or never. Do you want a husband you will be cleaning after? Do you want a husband who will contantly abuse you emotionally and mentally? You guys are very incompatible and very different he tells you to leave him alone and you keep forcing the issue of being with him that’s why he doesn’t want to come when u want him because he knows he knows whatever he decides is fine with you. If I were u I would be very glad that I am not yet trapped in a marriage with kids, only husbands are for better and for worse not boyfriends, that’s why after dating follows marriage because the dating game help us make that life commitment if the bf u are with has husband qualities and not only that but makes you happy in all areas.
Build up your self esteem and soon you will better, and stop holding onto mistakes. You deserve to be loved and respected and what u have right now is obsession so let him go, help him as a friend and if he wont see that then u tried your best.
jovial
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A
female
reader, Lilly223  +, writes (8 January 2007):
 This is gonna be a brutal reply, but you asked for advice, and I am not going to waste words "fluffing it up."
BOTH of you are too immature to be carrying on a relationship. AND neither one of you really love each other. IF you did there would not be this power control over who is right, who's fault everything is, who's meaner, who's lying, ... who's anything! Get it?
It sounds to me like you posted your question just to get something it off your chest, not for advice...
I'll give you advice, call him up and get it over with... tell him he's a jerk, whatever, and then take some time to mature a bit before you enter another relationship.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (8 January 2007):
 He says he needs help but I KNOW you need it. Your self-esteem is in the toilet. You have to work on that, therapy can help and there are all kinds of websites you can look at also. Once You see yourself as the wonderful person that you are, you will demand better treatment and will get it from everyone, not just the boyfriend. Get going and good luck, with a little effort, you'll be just fine.
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