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male
age
36-40,
*aniel1987
writes: Hi. I'm a 20-year-old gay guy from the UK, and something is really bothering me. I'm not 'out' to my family because they are really homophobic (which has made me very depressed and suicidal), but I get really angry when I hear so many stories about bisexual married guys who secretly have sex sessions with other men behind their wives' and children's backs, when I'm having to face so much homophobia as a regular gay person. I've had sex a couple of times, but I can't openly have a boyfriend because I'd probably be chucked out the house, and yet bi married guys can sneak around and hide away from society. What do I need to do to stop this from upsetting me?
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female
reader, stina  +, writes (8 January 2007):
 To the last comment:
Excuse me, but growing up has nothing to do with the poster's parents being homophobic and therefore affecting him on a deeply personal level. And while not everyone is going to like him (which he obviously understands), the fact is that society has a real problem with homosexuals as a whole. Have you not had any classes in queer studies? Or even gender studies for that matter? A lot of topics in women's studies also talk about it being difficult to be homosexual in today's society. I suggest further educating yourself before you make ridiculous comments like the one you left. There should be classes you can take at your local college or university. It wouldn't hurt to enroll yourself in any 101 class (or rather, you might want to start at the 100 level). If you'd like me to refer any documentaries, books or other literature, and/or websites please let me know and I will kindly do so.
"Grumping around at how unfair eveything when someone has something you dont is unproductive." This person isn't grumping around - he is looking for help..that's why he came to AN ADVICE SITE. By the way, I didn't see anywhere where you tried to be helpful. Was it your intention to come here and try to be insulting or did you have something helpful to say?
"Would it make any sense for a girl who isnt not allowed to have sleep over dates at her family's house complain that there are men out here having affairs?" What does this have to do with the current topic? You're talking about something completely different, unless that girl happened to be gay, as well. The fact is that Daniel is afraid to live life the way he *should* be able to. The girl in your example is not forced to live her life a lie.
Seems as though you need to get a better grasp of what is going on here - and also what is happening in the world when it comes to the way gay people are treated. Perhaps it is not Daniel who needs to grow up, wouldn't you agree? I should think so.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2007):
I think you need to grow up to "stop this from upsetting me".
Not everyone in this world is going to like you. Not everyone is going to have the same rules and situation you do.
Grumping around at how unfair eveything when someone has something you dont is unproductive. It something people usually realize when they are still in highschool.
Would it make any sense for a girl who isnt not allowed to have sleep over dates at her family's house complain that there are men out here having affairs? Of course not.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (8 January 2007):
You're welcome! Feel free to write back if you need to. :)
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A
male
reader, daniel1987 +, writes (8 January 2007):
daniel1987 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for the answer, stina.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2007): It must suck having to sneak around the way those guys who are cheating do when all you want it to have the freedom to have relationships with the sex you're actually interested in. You have every right to be angry towards the guys who are cheating on their wives and being dishonest to their families because they give all gay men a bad name. And every right to mad at the crappy society we live in that is stupid enough to believe that just because one guy who happens to be gay acts in a certain way then other gay guys must do too. It truly truly sucks. Be careful not to become a part of the negativity in society by judging all bisexuals by what some of the more irresponsible ones do. Not all bisexuals are promiscuious and decietful. A lot of them can be happily married and never cheat on their spouse. Just because they feel attractions towards both sexes does not mean they have to flit between the two. They are capable of monogamous relationships as much as any straight or gay person.
As for your situation with your family, as long as you don't live in a small town you could have a boyfriend and they need never know. If you're still living at home you'll probably be happier moving out of that space where there's such negativity and closed mindedness around you. How homophobic are they? Just wary of homosexuals or actively hateful? Do you think you can ever feel really okay without them knowing about that major part of you? Now mightn't be right for you to tell them. Maybe when you're in your first serious relationship you'll feel more like telling them. They're only people and since they're family and you care about them their actions can hurt but would it be that much worse if they reject you than you having constant fear over them rejecting you if they find out? At least if you know you can begin to deal with it. Until it's out you're living in fear. I wish I had more advice but really it's all about what's right for you individually.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (8 January 2007):
Hi there Daniel,It's a shame when people are afraid to come out as being gay because it's not society's "norm." And it's even worse when your family is homophobic. I think that in order to live your life the way you want, it's best to move out and then share the news with everyone. It's terrible that you will have to do it this way, but if you tell your family while you still live there I'm sure that would make you feel worse - dealing with their comments, having your family possibly shun you, feeling more alone than you possibly would by actually being on your own in this situation.Whatever you do to move out, I think it should be done as soon as possible, because that sort of environment is totally unhealthy for you - you've already said you're depressed and worse. Maybe you could check out roommate wanted ads or find a place with a friend you already have. Or maybe there are inexpensive places around your area that you could afford by yourself.When you go to tell your parents about yourself, then you could do it by having a family "meeting" of sorts with your parents and telling them. Or else you could sort of say it as if you're not making a big deal of things, like "I'm going out with my boyfriend tonight." I'm just thinking if you make it seem like it's not a big deal (which it shouldn't be!) then maybe your parents won't feel "threatened." But only you know your parents well enough to decide how to let them know your sexual orientation. Here's a website that I found that sort of helps people get prepared to tell their family that they are gay: http://www.psychpage.com/learning/library/gay/outparents.html It goes over a lot of things that I think would be of interest to you.And whatever happens, don't let your parents make you feel bad about yourself!! Whether they yell, scream, act disappointed, act disgusted, or anything else *you* do not have anything wrong with you! If they are feeling these things, they are the ones who have to work on certain issues, okay? That leads me to my next suggestion: family counseling. If they are receptive to this, I think it would be a good idea to go with your parents to counseling so that they can learn to overcome whatever problem it is that they would have with your sexual orientation. Because who you decide to love or even just have sex with should really have no bearing on the relationship between you and your parents. And if they really love you as a son, then they will see past this. It might take a little time, because most people are shocked when they hear a family member is gay (especially if it's their child), but that will hopefully pass in time.If they don't want to go to counseling and/or shun you, perhaps you would want to consider going yourself. You wouldn't be going because you're gay (obviously), but because you are going through the loss of parents and that's a tremendous blow to anyone who has even a somewhat decent relationship with them. And this is also a time when you'll need the support of your friends (actually, you'll probably need support of your friends in either case). I also suggest seeking the help of a professional if not for the "loss" of your parents, but because you are already depressed. The counselor would be able to help - whether it be through just talking and working things out, or perscribing medication to help you out.Daniel, don't be ashamed of who you are. Don't let your parents make you feel bad about yourself. If they are acting disgusted and treating you in an overall negative manner after you've told them, try to distance yourself and maybe give counseling a shot to deal with their trouble. Maybe once they haven't talked to you in a while, they'll realize that they're being ridiculous. But then again, they might be "okay" with things because you are their son. Maybe it will help them change their minds about how they view homosexuals. Just remember, if they overreact, then they are the ones with issues. They need to resolve them.I really hope that your parents are able to hear you out and remain decent. I understand how this sort of conversation can be totally stressful and scary. Whatever happens, you will most likely feel better in the long run, okay?Take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2007): The best thing to do would be to come out to your family. Their reaction will obviously be of shock but they may come round once they've grown used to the idea. At least then you will truly know how they feel and you can move on to being more honest with your self. Why not also talk to other gay people for advice, they'll know how you are feeling. Good luck.
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