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female
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anonymous
writes: Please help. I'm so upset I've actually been vomiting all day.Just found out my fiance met a woman on an airplane. I know this because I found a strange text message on his cell phone. He told me it was from a male friend. He's a bad liar. I called the number when he wasn't around and the voice mail belonged to a woman. I confronted him. He told me he had been chatting with her through text messages because she was interesting and was in the process of getting a divorce. I found out they had also been talking on the phone.. a lot. I told him this and he still insists NOTHING happened, that they did not even meet in person. I found one text message indicating they were planning to meet in person. He told me they were, but did not. He says she was just a "kooky" female friend he made and there was some flirting going on. I also found out on my own she wasn't married or getting divorced and he told me he couldn't really remember. So.. now I'm thinking they certainly had an affair, although I have no solid proof they met. I love him. I know he loves me and would never do this again, if anything happened, but I can't stop thinking about the past. I want to move on and get married and I don't think the trust thing would be an issue, but I'm obsessing... Am I being stupid? We've been together 8 years by the way and every aspect of our relationship is happy and loving.
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affair, divorce, fiance, flirt, liar, move on, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2005): I'm sorry to hear you've got this problem, all i can say is your gut instincts are telling you something - you obviously don't believe him and whether you have proof or not go with what you feel inside your heart and mind.After all you'll be battling against your conscience if you don't and start feeling upset and down ( you must already feel bad) don't let him make a fool of you and your love for him . If he can't be with you and only you then it might be time to let go OR a time to take a long look at your relationship for what it really is and whether it's worth fighting for.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2005): I personally don't think you are obsessing...believe me if it were me I would be doing the same thing. I think the thing that concerns me the most in your note was the fact you keep finding out that he hasn't been honest and that it seems like he is covering things up. My first thought is to hold off on getting hitched. Do you want to be married to someone who hides things this easily. 8 years is a long time but wouldn't you rather find out now and save the divorce experience and cost. I hope I haven't offened you. I wish you only the best. Good Luck!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2005): Hun, don't be so hard on yourself...you're not acting like an an obssessive fool, you are hurt and confused. Anyone else in this place would feel the same way. If he's lying and if you want the whole truth you will have to keep digging! But remember, no trusting, loving, fullfilling relationship should do this to you...the confusion and self-doubts are excrucitating for you and I'm sorry, you are going through this. And I wonder if digging will serve it's purpose...You can keep gradually uncovering more and more information about the extent of his betrayal and details of the woman concerned, but it may just create more pain. I think you know in your heart-he's up to something. He's lied already so now you know what he's capable of. What does that tell you about him? He's untrustworthy. There is a chance whatever he's up to, didn't become sexual, but emotionally, he was stepping 'out' of the relationship. I guess you will need to have your doubts satisfied, otherwise the obsessive urge to know everything can very quickly drive a girl batty. Or..you can take what you know about his "character", retain your pride, hold your head high and tell him, "you lied-I no longer trust you-we can either rebuild what we once had or I'm outta here". That would be a tough thing to do but it may get him thinking. And ask yourself, could you forgive and trust again? Only you know the answer to that. Take care and good luck
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A
female
reader, Ftuley +, writes (1 November 2005):
 I think the reason why you cant move on and forget about it is because he hasn't been totally honest about it!
You both need to seat down and really talk about if honestly in order for you to be hable to move on from it.
But if you cant get to the bottom of it will always be on your mind and you will not trust him believe me.
Tell him how you feel about it,
tell him that you need him to be sincere or you will never be able to forget it and leave it behind.
But if you truly believe it was nothing but a bit of flirt,
then forget it,
get it out of your mind and move on.
Plus 8 years is a long time, you should know him well by now, so i think talking is the answer here.
Good luck all the best!
Ftuley
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A
female
reader, Saz  +, writes (1 November 2005):
If you have no proof that anything than just talking happened between your fiance and this woman then i think it would be for the best to put it behind you and leave it in the past. Continue to look forward to getting married and having a happy and loving future together.You have been together for a long time now,is it really worth throwing it all away on something that you have no proof or facts on.
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reader, Dotty +, writes (1 November 2005):
Hey girl...You are so not obsessing with any of this. Jeepsers you have more than enough innyour face prrof that he has done something. Maybe he did and maybe he did not actually sleep with this women. Relationships start with conversation. He is abviously intrigued by her to continue this relationship of sorts. He is not being fair to you at all. He is acting like its nothing more than a buddy at work when in fact it is a serious game he is playing here. Maybe he does not realize yet that this little friendship could very well lead into a negative situation. But by acting like he is doing nothing wrong and trying to make you feel that you are overreacting is again a sign that something is wrong. You luve this man and you are happy to this point, that will give you strength to work this through. If you decide to work it through, you will be committing to dropping this subject altogether though. Or kicking his butt to the curb. It is a very unfair world out there.
Good luck with your decision girl
~D~
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A
female
reader, nutella +, writes (1 November 2005):
Hello
I'm sorry you're going through this, it's a horrible thing to experience, and I definitely think you're doing the right thing looking for advice. Hopefully you'll be able to do the same with friends/family/others on this site, and take the time you need to work out what you want to do. I think it's important to take really good care of yourself at the moment, as much as you can. It's likely you're feeling a bit shocked, and it's never easy to make decisions when you're feeling shocked. These things take time to process.
But is a very GOOD thing you found out. This is a really important piece of information to have about this guy. Only you are really in the position to figure out what it could mean. In your heart of hearts, do you think that this is out of character for him? Have there been other things going on in his life, in terms of stress at work, family problems? Has he seemed depressed or different in some way, with hindsight? How does he seem to feel about getting married? Do you think you can get him to tell you why he's been lying? Play innocent when you ask if you can bear to - after all, it's better to know the truth, and if you are very upset or angry when you speak to him, he'll probably get defensive and carry on lying...
I think that, so hard though this is, your best chance of getting what you want is not to hold on to it at all costs. There are so many possible reasons for what has happened. You say that your relationship is happy and loving - he is with you, even though this has happened. My suggestion (a suggestion only) is to make him realise that what has happened means that he could lose you. To be honest, it SHOULD mean that... This could happen again if it has happened once. You deserve better, and you need to understand why it happened... Knowing the truth and understanding what has happened will be the best way forward. Take advice as much as you like, but remember, it's up to you how you carry on - you deserve love and I wish you all the best dealing with this situation.
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