A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend promised me something that he wouldn't do again, which was look at this NASTY site with a bunch of porn on it. I let him know the first time it kind of made me feel that I wasn't good enough for him. I wasn't even looking for anything when I found out he had looked at this site once again after telling me he PROMISED he wouldn't look at it ever again and how sorry he felt for making me feel that way. It kind of just makes me feel disgusted, he even tried lying about this to me. I'm not stupid, I know how computers work, you know? I just feel that if he can break THIS promise, what else has he promised and not kept? I know this isn't the biggest of deals, but in OUR relationship, a promise is something you are supposed to keep. If you don't mean it, you don't promise it. I just feel he doesn't value this relationship as much as I do. He broke a promise over something not even worth it....Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
View related questions:
porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, nessnoodles  +, writes (7 December 2010):
I am so sad. I have only read the first few replies and the initial question and i have tears streamming down my face because its like you wrote those words for me.
It is true - its not a big deal in one way but oh how the doubts encroach. If he can lie, deceive, promise, and "understand" where you are coming from, apologize, and then DO IT ALL AGAIN!!! Then is this a person i want in my life? I can't trust him!
So distressed that i gave up so much to be with him and he is only a mirage. And i thought it was going so well....
but thank you. You are all a saving grace. A group of kindred spirits.... I have taken some good points and passed the rest off as utter bullshit.
A
female
reader, nessnoodles +, writes (7 December 2010):
I am so sad. I have only read the first few replies and the initial question and i have tears streamming down my face because its like you wrote those words for me.
It is true - its not a big deal in one way but oh how the doubts encroach. If he can lie, deceive, promise, and "understand" where you are coming from, apologize, and then DO IT ALL AGAIN!!! Then is this a person i want in my life? I can't trust him!
So distressed that i gave up so much to be with him and he is only a mirage. And i thought it was going so well....
but thank you. You all a saving grace. A group of kindred spirits....
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2009): You know what im going throu the same thing. He thinks im stupid. At first he would tell me that he was looking at it to learn new moves, cause we are both new at this. Then I talked to a friend and they said it was a load of crap. I told him how i felt I even had him watch a Christian movie with me and he said he would never do it again, but i cought him red handed. Sometimes I wonder if its even worth the stress. How should I handle that?
...............................
A
female
reader, breedmate +, writes (11 July 2009):
hey! first of all, i want to tell you that im going through somenthing similar :( and therefore i cant give you an advise or somenthing... but i hate the fact that my future husband keeps looking at porn :,( the first time i discovered that he was doing that was out of the blue! i was not even searching for a thing and there it appears! it broke me into tears of pain and madness! i couldnt believe what i was seeing!! we had a fight over it and he felt guilty and said he was so sorry and he didnt know how bad i hate it but swared to never do it again! and he erases the computer history every day so i dont know what he saw! i dont know what makes me more mad...
...............................
A
female
reader, Lamb  +, writes (18 November 2008):
i'm going through the exact same issue. broken promises, lies, deception. i feel i can't trust my bf anymore. its not about the porn (though i am concerned its a habit he can't break). it's the hiding it, then lying when i find it, then promising to change, only for it all to happen again.
i love him very much. we have a 4month old son together. but i feel like a fool to believe he won't do it again. i don't know how to get through this. its such a small thing (looking at porn) but it has huge consequences. i've tried asking him what it is that he likes about it. he won't talk. i've said i don't expect it to stop forever. i just need him to prove he can control himself, keep the promises he offers me, and stop purposely deceiving me.
poster, any advice from you would be very welcome. i know your situation was a while ago now. i could do with some encouragement that we CAN get through this.
thank you, i hope everything is still going well for you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt is over and dead, just no one was seeing the real point, that's all. Good day everyone.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2008): PS: You don't accept lies, you don't break promises.. it seems you don't forgive and forget either.. How come you answered back and started bringing the whole issue up again... Shouldn't it be over and dead by now?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2008): Damn Swamp... that's all your fault.. I can't believe I didn't check the date... ahahaha that's the first time that's happened to me.. lol.. Waz where are your brains?
Glad your happy madam, when you made it to 18years like I did, well then you can come back and crow about your success.. Glad all your problems are solved and you are now happy. A year older, but none the wiser... ahaha well, time will tell....
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis was over a year ago that I posted this. I'm still with the guy and hopefully for a lot longer. We are doing great AND we still promise things and KEEP THEM. If we don't mean it, we don't promise it. It's that simple. Maybe all of you should get into a relationship that makes you able to trust one another and not have to lie to keep people happy. That shouldn't be how life works and that's now how our life works. I know I don't lie to him, if he lies to me, I don't know about it. We'll keep it that way too. But I know when he promises me something, he keeps it. That's what a promise is for. Have a great day and life everyone. You should read questions that are recently posted instead of being negative to someone about something they posted a year ago. People change for either the better or worse. In my case, it's the better. But thanks for bringing attention to this subject again.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2008): Right, so you get to write new rules about life.. You can lie and break promises in relationships, as long as you are under 15years old... But now you've changed the world most also change... Only older people need to keep promises and always tell the truth? OK, but it doesn't sound right to me.
Your very clear in you dislike for porn.. I'm not really sure what you expected him to say. Did you tell him you don't have a liking for it, but you understand because you grew up with it. If you had told him that, then I agree, it's very strange of him to tell you these idiotic lies.
Anyway since this is not an issue over porn, then he shouldn't have to promise not to look and he shouldn't have to lie about it again.
Why lie about something stupid? I told you why, he was trying to protect you, he was trying to please you. Have you ever seen the film "Liar, Liar".. it's about a lawyer who has to always tell the truth. Very funny film, but would be very uncomfortable in life. I bet you and your partner don't tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Try it, for just one week, tell him the truth about every single thing. If you looked at a guy, then tell him, if you felt bored in his company then tell him. Tell your friend that her dress doesn't suit her. Tell him the truth, admit to the fact that you hate porn because your jealous of those "airbrushed", "surgically enhanced" girls, who are made to look more petty than is humanly possible. In reality, they get spots and pimples too under all that makeup.
This is a good relationship, go on, I dare you. Keep every single promise, tell the total honest blatant naked truth for a week and see what happens. I can make you a promise. I'll be here next week (if I'm not dead, bored, sick or married by then) to read your update with interest.
You never said anything about him lying about other things before. How can we help you if we don't know the whole truth? What are these other lies that he tells you? Maybe he really is a no good liar and you should watch him carefully. I hope this lie is not the same as the porn one. But since I know your a person who demands promises be kept, it's probably something like he said he would come back at 10pm and it was 10:15pm instead...
The guy is with you, he loves you, he thinks your beautiful. He tells stupid lies, hides silly things to make you happy. You wanted him to do something, give up porn, and I bet he tried to do it for you. But porn and lies are not the real issue here. You must have confidence to know how special and amazing you are. Hold your head up high and feel proud of yourself. You have a guy who loves you, you have a great relationship, and he will try to please you. Read this board, that's a million times better than thousands of women have got.
This is real life baby, it's not a movie. People are human and make mistakes. Don't sweat the small stuff, it's the big stuff that matters and these are the things you'll remember at the end of your life. You won't remember how much you hate porn, but you will remember the colour of his eyes and the way he holds you. Your a lucky lady and I don't think you realize that yet, but you might one day. Blessings, take care of you and him...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, I believe that if you're gonna promise something, then keep it. If you don't mean it, don't promise it. That's how our relationship has been from the beginning. I'm not counting what I said when I was 10 or 15, or to my friends I no longer speak. This is a RELATIONSHIP and I'm not trying to CONTROL him. I don't like to be lied to. If he liked looking at that stuff, instead of telling me from the get go that he didn't, things would be much different. It's not like I haven't grown up around this crap, I just don't take a liking to it. Sooooo, for everyone that thinks that this is just about porn, you are WRONG! I was lied to and it wasn't the first time and I hope it would be the last. If we are supposed to have this trusting relationship, why lie about something stupid? TWICE? No matter how dumb something is or how mad he would get, I don't like, I would like the same respect.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2008): Stuff and bother, the porn issue rises it's head again.. Please take a look under pornography and you will see this question asked time and time again.
Most men (not all) like to look at porn. Some men hate it and feel disgusted by it, some men love it too much and it ruins their lives, some men can take or leave it. Most men do not prefer women in pornography, most men do not compare your body with the bodies of the women on the screen. Men use porn to relax, it's their hobby, a form of stress relief, a sexy little private "me" time, just like some of us women like to read romance novels, watch "Sex in the city" or soap operas or look at fashion magazines.
If you think that all men are PIGS. You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of unhappiness, and I have no idea why you are dating a man at all, since you don't seem to have much respect for them..
If you need people to totally tell you the truth and always keep their promises, then you will find yourself getting hurt, time and time again. Most men (and many women) are afraid to answer the question "Dose my arse look fat in that dress", people tell lies all the time, they have to or they would have to admit that "no your not the most beautiful girl in the world, the girl upstairs is 100x more prettier than you".
The thing about promises is also laughable. People should always keep promises, all the time? So you have always told the truth, you have always kept your promises. Wow.. You deserves a medal for sainthood and your parents are bringing up the most perfect girl in the world..
When you was young didn't you have friends you promised to love forever that are now forgotten. Did you never promise to do homework, start a diet, clean the house, save more money and then forget or fail. Did you make a promise to never ever kiss a boy, to be a virgin until you got married, or to keep a secret then forget and reveal it by mistake. You then are a very rare human being if you've never told a lie and never broken a promise. Unfortunately your boyfriend is human just like the rest of us, he makes mistakes, he tries to please people, he hates to hurt you, so he tells stupid little lies that will please you...
If he said, "I like porn, you better get used to it, or you can piss off".. You would have left him. If he had said, "don't be bloody stupid, of course most men look at porn, I'm a man, that's what most men do".. you would have felt humiliated, and you would come here crying like some other women saying "why doesn't he understand my feelings, he refuses to listen to me, he doesn't do what I want, he should give up his hobby because I don't like it."
So your guy gave you promises that he couldn't keep.. It made you happy and kept you quiet. He probably tried, and then realised he was being stupid. He likes porn and for him, it is natural for him to have a look. Of course he lied, you hate porn, he's you boyfriend he was trying to please you. Men lie about porn all the time, because women force them too. Women don't give men unconditional love, they don't accept them as they are. It's always a case of "if you loved me you would... give up porn, get richer, buy me flowers, take me out, tell me I'm beautiful, pretend you only have eyes for me, marry me, get on with my mother, clean the toilet... blah, blah, blah"
Most men (not all) like pornography, and many men who are with women who object to it, will lie about it. They will then hang out with their mates and look at porn. They will look at porn at work, in the car.. wherever. Woman says "I hate porn, you must give up, if you love me." Man says "OK honey whatever you want".. man tries, man fails, woman starts crying.. "now you have lied to me and broken your promise, I can never trust again".. Man promises to give up porn again, can't do it, woman finds out, more arguments, more tears, rinse cycle and repeat...
That's why men lie about porn. If women could compromise on the issue, then men won't have to lie about their true sexual natures, their desires and what makes them happy and excited. Men are men, and women are women, they don't think like us at all.. (most of them) :^)
Your right, if you don't like it, then it's perfectly acceptable to say, "not in my face honey, I don't want to see it, so make sure you do it when I'm away". Compromise rather than demanding that a man completely give up and he will meet you half way.
I don't like to be controlled and I'm sure that many people feel like I do. If someone was to come into my life demanding I change my hobbies, habits or friends, I would tell them to get lost. But then again I'm a woman and most men are more polite than me. :^)
...............................
A
male
reader, swamp66 +, writes (1 October 2008):
What is wrong with you people?As a man, I can tell you that porn has absolutely nothing to do with your relationship. Women can be so self-entitled. You think everything your partner does reflects upon his love for you. That is simply NOT TRUE.Men have a very multi-layered sex drive. It's very aggressive, and easily hungered. Women take time, and narratives/provocative situations to become aroused. Men just become aroused. Without a choice.Lay off of your man. Your personal sexual relationship and his hobby of tossing off a load to some porn are completely unrelated.Another thing women, ALWAYS remember this. If you think your man should "look at you and want sex", or "love you for who you are." MAKE SURE of 1 VERY important thing:That you are not 30, 40, 50+ lbs. overweight. Men are VISUAL creatures, and while he may adore the companionship he has with you-- a good way to sabotage a man's sexual desire for you is to become a lard ass.I promise. If you are struggling with your bodyweight, your man has noticed, and is looking at other women.Men aren't shallow. They are visual.
...............................
A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (25 July 2007):
 I think the thread poster was saying the fact he lied was more the point she was making. The porn is just an extension of a lie. I can totally see where shes coming from, if he can lie about that, then what else is he capable of lying about for his own benefit. I for one cant stand lies & i am very unforgiving about them. My mum says i get that from my dad, hes a very straight grounded person. Ive posted a lie thread, still awaiting approval. Its not the subject they lie about, its the fact they lie. And it drives me insane!
Sorry if i butted in when ot needed lol
xxx
...............................
A
female
reader, blondie04 +, writes (24 June 2007):
I feel the same way my boyfriend looks at porn too and it made me feel like i wasn't good enough for him anymore or that i had to measure up and be like someone he saw on a porn site. I also feel if he goes and looks at porn while I'm at work and when I come home he's all loving and wants to have sex with me I feel if he has to look at porn and get all excited and wants sex then I'm not interested I'm sorry I just want him to look at me and want sex without porn involved.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2007): Poster, you are mistaken, the issue is not just that he lied to you about looking at porn, the lie was to appease you so he could continue with his little addiction...whether you appreciate it or not, this is about his use of porn, not that he lied to you period....Every person tells little white lies, like "I like your haircut" when we really think it makes the person look like a pig walking backwards....the issue is how it made you feel when he wanted to watch porn so much that he was willing to conceal it from you, it speaks volumes about his attitudes and the deeper issue here is that you don't like it, you are angry about it, and even sad which underlies your hurt and anger.....and his lack of respect for you is the big elephant in the room that you and he are unwilling to talk about.
You need to work this porn subject out with him, not just the lying, and if you can't accept this hobby of his, you need to decide what it is you want from this relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (20 June 2007):
 Of course it hurt when he broke his promise to you. Some people will make promises that they don't know whether they can keep. Poor judgement or lack of integrity hard to say but the bottom line is that if they break promises often then trusting these people is almost impossible. You can give him another chance but if he lets you down again you may need to find a new boyfriend.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlright, SORRY I put on here that is was PORN that betrayed my trust. He LIED to me, that IS the issue here and I didn't appreciate that very much. It's PORN, MEN are PIGS, I KNOW THIS!!!! But the problem with this situation is he PROMISED not to do it, it wouldn't be as big of a deal if he never PROMISED this to me.....sorry I added that in here, cuz that really isn't the issue and I sadly made it sound that way. He betrayed me and YES I kinda don't like the idea about him looking at it on MY computer, but it'd be fine if I didn't know about it or him tell me one thing and do another.....the issue is trust.......he lied to me......forget about the porn, a promise was broken and it hurts when someone breaks a promise no matter how big or little it is. Thanks though for the advice....
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2007): Every man looks at it, I hear, so you can say it is normal. We don't have to like it though and we don't need men who NEED it to the point of lying. Watch it too? What an irristable offer for you, how kind (sarcasm). Perhaps you, like me, would rather be dropped into a bath full of raw haddock and giblets.
Sadly, other people's arses, tits and other pendulous areas are everywhere, we are told we have to accept it as boy stuff, but I am sick of it too. There seem to be more and more women writing questions about it on this website and finding that the excess of it is spoiling their relationships.
Whatever a person does in moderation is their business. If "he" can't keep it in check it is an addiction. Just another excess like alcohol etc is for some people. This thing undermines people and it should not be an issue. If a man wants to have the odd peek fine, just let him keep it to himself. If the amount of use means that it overflows into normal life and affects relationships, then that is an abnormal amount and I would object too.
It looks as though the bigger issue is trust and you are right to question this. In fact I think you should accept that as the real issue here, the porn thing shows he may have an addictive personality? Is that what you are really worried about? This feelng you have may be simply that you have doubts about whether he is right for you.
Perhaps instead of getting upset about one issue, you should ask yourself that big question. Don't be afraid to turn him down. Plus, don't fall in love too easily in future. Make sure you have your basic needs covered. One of those would be that you would like a boyfriend who respects women and does not NEED porn. OK?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2007): First off.. Its porn and hes a man.. Dont expect him to give up everything for you.. Get a life and learn to live with it or leave him because he clearly isnt going to stop.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK, let's just get this straight. It's not REGULAR porn, it's on a website and it shows a bunch of videos that are NASTY, like I said. A LOT of just woman, so I really wouldn't like to watch them, even if there was a man in them. I am NOT interested in this stuff whatsoever, so I wouldn't want to watch them with him either. I do not have insecurity issues either. I just don't appreciate being lied to and having broken promises. Hard to trust people that way. Thanks for the helpful insights though.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2007): I think your feelings are valid, and I don't think this is about your insecurity over yourself, what you are feeling when you say you don't feel good enough when he watches porn is that you feel disrespected and under valued, and those are legitimate feelings based in the reality of your situation.
The male anon poster says that it is normal for men to look at porn and that this should not be a part of sexuality that is hidden away.... I think that many men watch porn that are single and not in a relationship as a form of release.
I think when a man enters a committed relationship with a woman it is time to grow up, discontinue this practice and realize that it is very disrespectful to have a wonderful woman at home in bed or in the next room that he could be having sex with and he instead chooses to look at nasty disgusting degrading porn (which any person even those who get turned on when watching porn realize at a deeper level that this is degrading to women mostly, that it is the business of selling human flesh, it has become mainstream thanks to shows on HBO and the trivialization of human relationships, sexualization of children in ads we sometimes see and so on) It is insulting and disrespectful....unfortuneately there is an erosion of the basic human morals that foster healthy relationships in our society and makes it more difficult for women to stand their ground on this one as many men think it makes them a man to watch porn...it doesn't it makes him a man to honor, cherish and respect his woman. If he is not the kind of upstanding guy you think you deserve, tell him so and don't let the door hit him in the ass when you tell him to leave....to get respect, you have to demand it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2007): Exactly,he broke a promise over something not really worth it.So why the big issue? Why dont you watch it together? Why does something like that make you feel not good enough? Most men watch porn,so do some women too.The film is likely to show men with larger penises than your boyfriend,if you were to watch them would he suddenly become not good enough for you? You need to address your insecurities,as i`m quite sure he`s probably aware that porn is not real life.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2007): Okay - this depends on what kind of porn he was looking at. If it was degrading/illegal kinda stuff, I can appreciate you drawing the line.
If this is the case, a MUCH better approach would be to ask him why the site turns him on, what he likes about it, maybe get to the underlying issues.
You said that it makes you feel like you are 'not good enough', which signals to me that more than anything, this is about your own insecurities. It is pretty normal for guys to watch porn. If its not offensive porn, then you might want to think about making watching porn into a mutual activity rather than an aspect of sexuality that should be hidden away.
...............................
|
