A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Is my Relationship Failing? I've been with my partner since January, and i thought i'd found the perfect man for me! He's the first man i felt i trusted for a long time, he's my mental match intelligence wise, he's attractive and generally quite attentive. We laugh together and communicate well generally and if we aren't seeing each other each night we'd be on the phone. I never get sick of him, and i know he thinks i'm a great girlfriend. Neither of us had had such a nice partner before, and so we decided he would move in with me at the end of 6 months. He's given up his large flat in a very nice area where all his friends and family live, and he's just about ready to move into mine when his lease is up. But this morning i've felt very miserable and tearful about the last few days i've spent with him. They just haven't been as pleasent as they used to be. The thing is that in the last month i feel like he's either becoming a bit complacent with me or distant. Silly things like not answering my texts/emails like he used to, not making an effort with conversation when he's tired, not waking up with me before i went to work this morning, not trying to make me feel attractive, not responding to me trying to speak to him/hug him some of the time. Its like he's got lazy with me! I don't like this, i feel like i'm still putting equal effort in and he's taking me for granted and he's stopped being romantic. I'm worried that when he moves in it'll get worse and i'll end up being like his mother. I can't tell him i've changed my mind about him living with me now, as he's given everything up. It was mainly him that pushed moving in together forward so i know he's not feeling forced into it. And i do want him to live with me, but i want the romantic attentive man who i decided i wanted to move in to live with me, not a boyfriend who can't be bothered to hold my hand when we're out, or promises to make love to me and then is too tired (like this morning). Before he even started being a bit more lazy I did actually suggest we put rules in place like going on a 'date' every 2 week or just doing something nice to each other keep things nice when we live together, but he didn't really respond to the suggestion. I don't know what to do. On the larger scale, he is still a good boyfriend and even when lazy better than others i've had and i think he's happy with me as i'm so nice to him. I don't think he's cheating, i'm quite good at picking up on things like that and i'm sure its not that. So what do i do? I know the first thing people will say is 'talk to him', but i think even if i talked to him he's so secure in the relationship because of the nice way i treat him he still might be lazy with me.I just want some romance back, i don't want whats primarily a good relationship to break down because i feel resentful that i'm putting more in than him. I've tried to get him in a romantic mood with candles and surprise hotel visits and nice texts e.t.c in the hope he'll think 'thats nice' and return the favour. But he's not returning the favour - he's taking and not giving with the little things - and its getting upsetting now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2007): Is your Relationship Failing? No Hun its not and I’ll tell you why you love him and he loves you, he’s your soul-mate and your intellectual equal you do sound like the Loves still there Hun so don’t give up this situation doesn’t have to be so black or white,
But now the best advice I’m about to give you may be quite hard to swallow,
You are overcompensating because he wants to be lazy in the relationship by overcompensating I mean your chaceing him emotionally because he’s distant with you,
Your right if you start quizzing him on this he’ll go into defense mode then your again chaceing him and he’ll drift further away,
As for moving in together you need to think long and hard about this first,
I would say put a hold on the plans just for now, while you get your old spark back you can do this by becoming more light hearted about the whole thing, treat him more casually like he’s a friend then you will find he again wants to get romantic with you and he’ll come your way,
Let him make plans with you, don’t ask for affection let him come to you, don’t ask him to make love, don’t text him, just give him some space, be the first to say goodbye when he calls(you’ve got something else going on)
Really enjoy your doing your own thing again so many girls in serious relationships forget how to do this find something to an interest even if it clashes with your time together
I’m not saying play silly games this is not about playing games this is about whether you can show that you are genuinely an equal partner and that you are not needy,
Because you’ve bent over backwards for him lately with very little results, and you know you deserve a little you time to stop thinking about his lazy behavior pretend you haven’t even noticed that will surprise him.
I promise that romance your craving will be back if you flip the switch a little and empower yourself, Do it for your relationship but most of all for you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2007): There are some people out there who are good at keeping up an act and it sounds like he may be one of them. I am just basing this on 6 months to someone is a short time to keep up an act of how loving, thoughtful, committed they are if they stand to benefit from it.
I read a book about sociopaths and that this is a common trait for them. To pretend to be someone and once they get what they want, revert back to being themselves. Narcissists also tend to have this trait. Often those who are in relationships with such individuals have the same story line as yourself and using the word lazy won't solve the true issue.
I say trust your gut. You know something is up and I say it is fair to yourself and your happiness to say, hang on here for a moment.
For one, stop keeping score. Two, pick up a book that I adore and is my lastest crush read. Men are From Mars and Women are From Venus by John Gray, Ph.D.
This could be a male vs female perspective and this book will help you gain the understanding that may be needed.
I'm also going to suggest that you hold off on the moving in until you both sort out this miscommunication and perhaps couples counselling can root out if he has narcissistic traits or not.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2007): Don't give him a list of reasons why he is failing, that is moaning and you will deflate him and make him feel bad. If you want him to want to be romantic, be sponaneous, joke, tell him how great he is (when appropriate - make sure you still see the times when this is deserved).
When things get a bit too normal for me, I do something whacky. This only works because my partner and I have the same type of humour. I did a show for him with my cat...and other incidents... he completely loves my mad moments.
And you? How have you changed since you first met? Have you secretly moved on into wife/mother, rather than person who made him feel great about himself?
Perhaps taper down your own expectations a little. If you live together, why would you want to text each other much? Of course the intensity of love-making relaxes, which is why it is important to make it quality. It means nothing that he was tired this morning - it has no reflection on you whatsoever.
Having said all this of course you deserve for him to be making an effort. I can't help thinking that if you can be less resentful and more the old you, it may just come back. If not, tell him that you completely adored the way he was with you before and that it made you feel so good about yourself. It made you happy and you want more. Ask him to try and do those things again. When he does be ecstatic, make him see how much you love that stuff. That too will make him feel good about himself. Good luck!
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