A
female
age
51-59,
*usieQ1970
writes:OK, sorry but this is a long one.My ex and I were together for 7 years. During that time we had 3 children from previous relationships between us and then in 2004 we had a child of our own. My ex effectively abandoned me and was not there when our son was born tho I did let him know.We got back together, when we did he told me that he really did want our baby but was too stubborn to say anything.Towards the end of 2005 we all moved in together. It didn't work so I made plans to move out. Three days before Xmas we had a massive row, he wanted me out so I left. He later told me that it was only meant to be temporary and that a few days earlier he had made enquiries about us getting married, he was going to propose Xmas Day.We spent the next year arguing over our son, sometimes we were ok with each other, most of the time it was Hell. He found someone else within 3 months, I had a couple of relationships that didn't work.Things got so bad that I initiated family mediation. After our first meeting he told me that his relationship was on the rocks. I said that he needed to be honest with his girlfriend. I also asked him to keep contact between her and our son to minimum as I didn't want him to become too attached to her if she wasn't going to be around much longer. He started to flirt with me and I told him that I was willing to give us one more try but we needed professional help. He agreed. This was towards the end of February.I wanted to make sure it was what he wanted so I gave him the option to back out but he was adamant that he wanted to be with me. A few weeks later he told his girlfriend that their relationship wasn't working. It was only at this point that I discovered she lived with him! She immediately guessed it was because of me and he got some grief from her, his family and his boys. He convinced them all it there was nothing going on.He decided it would be best to let her take her time to look for a place of her own. Hopefully she wouldn't be so suspicious and it would keep his family calm. During this time she read some text messages on his mobile that I had sent him. He told her there was nothing going on and that I had asked him if we could get back together. Basically the idiot told her that I was moving in on her man!March was great. He was very attentive and loving. At the beginning of April there was an unfortunate encounter whereby she assaulted me and him and his sister became involved. It was at this point that I found out that when I had asked him to keep contact between her and our son at a minimum he had in fact just told everyone that I had banned her from seeing our son. His sister took her away and we had a chat in the car. he told me the biggest mistake he ever made was letting me go.We agreed to back off. I told him that we needed to go back to basics, discover our friendship and through that discover whether we could actually be together as a couple. He agreed, said he couldn't imagine his life without me, that the thought scared him.I waited almost 3 months for her to move out, during which time things were fairly placid between but friendly between us. We spent time with our son and showed each other a little affection with the odd hug and kiss (not snog). Even during this time I asked him if he was sure this was what he wanted, did he think that maybe we had reached the point of no return, could he seee a future for us. Again he was adamant that he wanted to be with me.Once she left we agreed that we could spend more time together. We arranged to meet for coffee where we discussed when we would be able to meet and about going to Relate. We arranged to go out the weekend but he bailed out, said his son had hurt himself and needed to go to hospital. It was about this time when I noticed that he had stopped responding to my texts and getting him on the phone was almost impossible. he upset our little boy on numerous occasions when he phoned his Dad to say goodnight and he didn't answer the phone even tho it was a regular thing.We arranged to meet for coffee again and he made an excuse that he was ill. He was due to have our son that weekend but said he would rather not as he was unwell. But he did go and do some work on a house he was renovating. This was Saturday just gone.On Fathers Day I invited him to come swimming with us. He came and watched. Later that day when I put our son to bed he didn't answer the phone to him. I also tried to call his mobile but it was switched off. I drove over to his house and confronted him. We went for a walk.He eventually confessed that he had been having serious doubts for a long time. This is mainly because his ex and her friend (an ex of hers) had been bombarding him with stuff about me being on various dating sites and making out to him that I had been sleeping around. I had already told him that I had been internet dating and had even joined a rather unsavoury one, told him I had nothing to hide but at the time he said he believed me and trusted me. Now he was questioning my integrity because he had let someone nasty piece of work get to him instead of talking to me. He then told me that although he loved me and always would he wasn't in love with me. What a cop out!So over the past 2 months he has consistently lied to me, his ex and his family. I told him he was a pathetic coward, that he had no right to play with peoples lives the way he had. I told him that it had never been about us being together but discovering whether we should and that honesty was a big part in all of it. He wasn't honest with me or with anyone else. He could have saved everybody a good deal of hurt and anguish just by being honest.I have no idea whether during this time he has still been seeing his ex. I know his boys have maintained contact with her. At no point has ever shown any remorse for what he has done, even tho he told me he would never hurt me because of our son.I have a big problem now with dealing with the fact that my sons Fathers is a liar and a cheat who seems to have no morals or sense of responsibility. I accept the fact that we are not going to be together as a couple but I had always thought that if we were not we needed to work on being friends because of our son.He has made me out to be the bad person in all of this to his family and to his ex girlfriend. I'm a person who feels that everybody deserves the truth, the trth sometimes hurts but we all need to know the truth in order to make viable decisions in our lives and know they are the right ones. I'm wondering whether I should approach his ex girlfriend or his family and let them know what he has been up to. It's not about revenge, tho I do admit to being angry with him, it's about not living a lie. How can I bring up my son to be an honest and truthful person if I can't exercise these beliefs for myself. I have evidence to back everything up in case they believe I am just being malicious. Should I tell?
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ex girlfriend, flirt, get back together, got back together, his ex, liar, moved in, my ex, revenge, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, xSarax +, writes (19 June 2007):
 I don't think that you should tell his ex girlfriend what has been going on unless he is still seeing her. You're right you shouldnt be made out to be the bad person in all of this. He's the one that has hurt everyone. He says that he loves you but if he did he would have respect for you. If everyone is still on your back about it i'd get everyone together and the truth will soon come out. Just try not to involve the children in it because they will grow up not being able to trust. best of luck x
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