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anonymous
writes: Im 16 and have been goin out with this guy for about three months and at the beginning of our relationship I asked him if he does or have ever smoked. He told me he had tried it but then stopped. Just today I found out that he smokes almost every day! I don't like smokers because I have asthma but I really like this guy a lot! I get those butterflies in my stomach when I'm with him and I can't help but smile! I talked to him and he apologized and told me he would never lie again and the only reason he lied about smoking was because he didnt think I would have gone out with him and that he liked me a lot. Do I trust that he will never lie to me again? What should I do?!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2005): In your situation with the asthma, a smoker might be out. Still, would it really be that bad as long as he smoked within a safe distance of you? The burnt smell is just that, a smell. My kid brother has asthma, and I never smoke anywhere near him, but I still hang out with him when I get the chance. We grew up with a single, smoking mom, and she gave him this same perimeter. It's not impossible for smokers and nonsmokers to coexist, as past decades prove. People around our age (I'm 20) never knew such a time before this became a conflict. Also, my gf of two years is a nonsmoker. Admittedly, she doesn't have asthma, but as a smoker respectful towards nonsmokers (a respect seldom returned)I don't smoke in our apartment or in restaurants when we go out. There's a very good chance if you stay with this guy for awhile he'll step up to a pack or more a day, but if you never got any secondhand smoke from him, just odors on clothes and hair, would it be so bad? I don't know how serious your case is, so I won't say there's no way some funky smoke smell could make you have an attack, but consider this. Is being around smokers really a health issue, or an emotional issue for you? It was wrong of him to lie, but asking someone to kick a habit they enjoy of any kind so early on is asking a lot. He's hooked, cut him some slack. If he lies again, then toss him. But first, why not try to accept him as long as his smoking doesn't hurt you?
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (1 May 2005):
 Just clarifying my possie for the question-asker and Devil's Advocate: no, never a smoker. Can't you tell? I just think it's a revolting, filthy habit, along the lines of spitting on the floor and picking one's nose...
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reader, Devil's Advocate +, writes (30 April 2005):
 What's your damage Bev? I take it that you are an ex-smoker...(see below)The real issue here is that you think that you have been horribly disrespected by his lie when he only said that because he likes you.I assume that he is the same age and as such won't have been smoking for long so giving up shouldn't be too difficult. Talk to the guy. If he likes you enough he will give up as I bet he only smokes one at break time with his mates. Also emphasise that you will not tolerate lies.Devil's Advocate
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female
reader, Bev Conolly +, writes (30 April 2005):
What he's already shown is that he'll lie if it gets him what he wants. This should be making you go "hmmm..." because it's a taste of what you can expect in future. What if he's lying about telling you the truth from now on?Trust is one issue, but the real show-stopper is the tobacco. Why is he smoking?Smoking is not only a nasty habit to have, it's a pretty revolting thing to be around, too. The dead butts, the cellophane bits, the expense, the ashtray smell, the constant fug of smoke everywhere... The old bumpersticker "Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray" comes to mind, too. Feh! In no time at all, your asthma will have to compete with ash on your clothes, the slightly "burnt" smell of your boyfriend, the tobacco-stink in your hair and second-hand smoke as the biggest complaint you have with your beau. By contrast, the lying seems like a small sin.I'd say, give him a double-whammy. Tell him you'd love to continue going out - once he gives up the coffin nails. He's still young and probably hasn't been smoking long. It should be relatively easy for him to give up, especially with your encouragment. If he can't kick the habit, you're going to be hanging around a guy whose breath will be able to kill the "butterflies" you feel, if they don't drop dead from nicotine poisoning first.Yours in good health,Bev
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