A
female
age
30-35,
*izz.butterflies
writes:Hmmm so the guy I am dating is away for a month,visiting his family....and today I found out he lied to me about his age. he's a professional soccer player so I looked up his name and found his age.How we met :We were on the same bus on our way to the Bus Station.The bus was quite empty,I was sitting and he was standing across me. A ticket controller went on the bus,he checked his ticket and I didn't have my monthly card with me so I had to pay the fine. Then,the guy stepped in and asked him to let it pass,because it was a public holiday.I did like him from the time I went on the bus,so after the incident with the ticket collector,we went off the bus and asked him if he'd like to sit with me in the bus station. He asked me if i'd like to drink anything,I said no thanks,so we sat down and made small talk,he asked me how old I was, I said 21 then he said he was 20.Turns out He was born in 1993!I don't want to confront him about it in an e-mail...What should I do? I understand that when I said I am 21,it would be hard for him to say he's 18,cause I wouldnt look at him romantically.Truth is,he looks older than me. We have been on 5-6 dates and I was with him the day before he left to go see his parents.Suggestions?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 May 2011):
 well the lie is the problem not the age...
IF you think you can understand why he lied then you can probably figure out if you can forgive this lie.
If you can, I can see no reason why you should not continue seeing him any way you like.
FWIW when I was 21 my boyfriend was SEVEN
A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (22 May 2011):
mizz.butterflies is verified as being by the original poster of the question Well same here I guess. I like his body :)
Any other suggestions?
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 May 2011):
 ... a friends with benefits position is probably heaven on earth for him.
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A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (22 May 2011):
mizz.butterflies is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe's not the love of my life. He's not the only one on my mind either. Of course I am not going to let this one pass . I will address it & downgrade him to a "friends with benefits" until someone better comes my way.
I showed him respect,but I will take it back.
It will hurt him if I treat him with less respect. We haven't had sex,but when we do, I can tell him i need to continue my studying and he should leave. We'll see how he feels then.
Or I can talk to other dudes who call me in front of him.
He is a really nice dude, and I know he lied because of the obvious, admitting he's 18 would be a turn off for most 21 y/o girls. He just needs to understand lying comes with a price.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (22 May 2011):
It's not a harsh response really. It is quite normal to not accept being lied to. I'd be even stricter than you and dismiss him altogether, you're actually a bit soft on him since you want to continue hanging out. But, you do what you feel is best of course, in your situation. Just don't think you're a horrible person or be hard on yourself for not accepting this. It only shows that you have self respect.
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A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (22 May 2011):
mizz.butterflies is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answer, Chigirl. If you noticed,at the end of my post I suggest telling him that I can just hang out with him,but there will be no trust.
I am attracted to him and looking forward to having a nice time.
We just began dating each other and I am not sure if I want a relationship with him.
I can just tell him that I know what his true age is,and I am dissappointed in him. I can ask if he told me anymore lies and from that point on I can assure him I am also capable of lying to him.
Yes this is a harsh approach but it WILL get to him. Besides,the fact that he's away for a month makes going back to dating already difficult.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (22 May 2011):
As for his car, I forgot to mention this. It might be he has a car, who knows. And that's just it... you don't know. I wouldn't trust it. I actually was in a relationship with a liar, and he was very convincing. He told me he had a car, showed me pictures of it and everything, but when it all came down to it it wasn't his....! Once you stumble over these red flags you should always take warning, and it is best to take the red flags seriously. Instead I overlooked that lie of his, and it was a terrible relationship with the one lie following the other. The problem is that the one who lies doesn't see the problem with it! They think it is ok to lie about things, or twist the truth, and make it sound better than it really is. In the end they can really screw you over, because they do not stop! They will tell you they won't do it again, and they will explain and explain until they're blue in the face, and cry for you and say all the things you want to hear....
Just trust me on this. A liar isn't worth it.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (22 May 2011):
I already said what I think. He's by no means "mature". In what world is it mature to be ashamed of your age and lye about it? If it is to a person who doesn't matter, whatever, but lying to a person you're hoping to enter a relationship with?? Really??
Relationships are built on among other things, TRUST AND HONESTY. That ship has sailed. He's also immature.
If I am to guess, I will guess that the person who lied about her age (saying she was 5 years older) is a teenage girl who is immature and tried to get with a 20-something old man. The older man is being taken for a fool, as she's already entered a relationship with him. It is really disrespectful, but more so it is immature. If you can't handle telling your own age, then you are definitely not mature enough to enter a relationship with someone who actually IS mature. You can't fake maturity. It's like carrying a long a fake drivers license, you know you can't drive, yet you pretend to do so. It wont be long until you crash.
Him looking older and you and him getting along, sure, it could be the start of a nice relationship, if he hadn't already shown you this huge red flag of being capable of lying to your face. It's a no go. Dump him and find a real man. Btw, Im not telling you to dump because he's 18, his age wouldn't have mattered. But he lied. Lies are not acceptable in a relationship... where do you really think such a relationship would end up when it starts with a lie?
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A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (22 May 2011):
mizz.butterflies is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all of you who answered.
My Thoughts on your input :
If you're worried what your friends and family might think of your dating an 18 year old, I urge you to try and put that our of your mind
- I'm not worried about this. It's my decision. It's kinda funny that my sister is one year older than him,but age is not that important to me. I've dated a guy who is 33.
However, if you two have been on 5 or 6 dates together, and he looks older than you, then perhaps it's not that big of a deal?
Yes he could of said he was 23 and it would look absolutely truthful.He looks 22-23.
If hes a mature 18 years old its all good just get around to the age lying when the right time comes
- When is the right time to do that? He's going to come here at the end of May. Right now,we keep in touch via emails,but he recently asked for my MSN. I don't wanna address the subject on MSN.
If you like him, his age shouldn't affect your relationship. I'm in a situation much the same, I told my boyfriend that I was 5 years older than I actually am and I'm ashamed that I did but I don't know how to tell him.
- How did your boyfriend find out about this? When ? Where you the one who told him? What happened next?
It sounds like when you said your age he may have panicked and said he was 20 so you didn't think he was too young.
- This can be true, as I look older than 21. The way I dress and talk indicate I'm 23-24.
He also said he has a car in Germany,I dont know if this is true or not,since he only turned 18 this February. What I'm worried about is the follow-up lies that come with the lie of him being 20 and not 18.
He's been really respectful,even on the last day when I went to his area around 12 (at night!) and stayed with him until 6 in the morning, we took long walks in his neighborhood,and I would sit on his lap..He was caressing my thigh but didn't try to touch any private parts.
He must be very excited with me,since he doesn't have good friends here (as he grew up in germany) and only goes out with his teammates (ages 17-19)who are the typical immature soccer players who enjoy attention from girls.He knows I'm not a 16 y/o schoolgirl who is impressed by the fact he plays for a big team in the Superleague. I already told him I happened to date another soccer player 2 years ago,who plays for a bigger team,so he knows I like him for HIM.He already confessed that he liked that I didnt sound impressed when he told me he plays professional soccer ,at the Bus Station.
On one hand, I feel I need to be strict with him so he can realize he can't tell anymore lies,on the other hand I find it a bit humorous. Maybe I should tell him that I dont know If I can take him seriously,but we can still hang out? This would be treating him like a child. I dont know. What you guys think?
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (22 May 2011):
There is no more obvious sign of a person being immature, and not taking you seriously, than this. He lied about his age. Don't excuse this with anything. If he was serious about you he'd own up to how old he was, if not right there and then, then at least on the first real date you had. He kept stringing you on. I have a mild tolerance for a white lie on the go when stressed out, but to keep it up is different.
Him lying about his age was, probably, his way of getting a chance to date you. Well, he got that chance. So it was time to tell the truth on DATE ONE.
Dump him. If he feels comfortable lying to you about something of such importance as his age, what else is he lying about? His other 5 girlfriends perhaps? And the baby on the way? Or... who knows. And clearly, he's capable of making stuff up on the go, and string people along, as long as it benefits him, without respect for those he lie to. So if he hasn't already been lying about other things, you can count on him doing so in the future.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2011): Tell him you're upset that he lied about it but you have feelings for the PERSON not their date of birth.
If you like him, his age shouldn't affect your relationship. I'm in a situation much the same, I told my boyfriend that I was 5 years older than I actually am and I'm ashamed that I did but I don't know how to tell him.
He's probably already feeling terrible enough that he DID lie, without you making him feel awful about it. It's not a malicious lie, just one that he told because he thought you wouldn't want anything to do with him if you knew his real age.
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A
male
reader, Welsh Uncle Dave  +, writes (22 May 2011):
It sounds like when you said your age he may have panicked and said he was 20 so you didn't think he was too young.
You need to bring up the conversation with him face to face and tell him he needs to be honest with you.
If he really does like you and you like him you need to be open and honest with each other all the time otherwise it won't work out.
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