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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi,I am very sad. My boyfriend of 3 years and I broke up last year. He cheated on me on a stag night by kissing another girl. It wasn't so much that that hurt me it as the fact he says they spent a lot of that night in one another's company. He swears nothing else happened and I think I do believe him. However once I had found out from a text that this had happened I found out he had arranged to meet this girl back in the Uk also. She was from another country. This hurt big time. So decided to call it a day. A month later he found out I was seeing someone else. We had remained in contact as friends, although I barely spoke to him as he hurt me so, it was him contacting me.He said he wanted me back after he knew I was seeing someone. I left it for months and let him chase me and tell me how much he wanted me. After about 4 months I had split with my new guy as he was a rebound I suppose and thought I would try again with my ex. He said he wanted to marry me and be with me forever and that things would be different. We had become rather complacent previously and he hardly ever wanted to take me out or do anything much together. He didn't make an effort with my friends or my family but expected me to make all the effort for him.He promised things would be different and I tried. Evberything was great to start with and he took me to Paris and everything. For months everything has been going downhill again. He hardly ever wants to do anything with me and when we go out with my friends he sits there and barely speaks, like he is having the most awful time.Most people think I am wasting my time and say I could do so much better. I scared of not ever finding anyone else as I have had two very serious long-term relationships lasting about 3 years each. My current boyfriend is 26 and I am 25. I would like to get married in my late 20's and am thinking it may never happen if I have to start over. My boyfriend has now admitted he is unsure how he feels anymore even though he promised me so much. I think he will let me down if we continue further and buy a house together.Advice is very welcome.x
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female
reader, snowbird  +, writes (14 July 2006):
 My word, you are SO YOUNG to be thinking this way!
To have a life plan is fine but just leave a little room for movement - life has a habit of taking you on a roller-coaster now and then, and who knows - you may not meet the man of your dreams for a decade or more...you may be enjoying the ride so much that you may not want to settle down even then!!
Anyone can make mistakes - that is what life is all about, and your past relationships - well, they are NOT failings! You had some happy times, and from any mistakes you made came some important lessons to apply to your future life, so these things happen for a reason.
The very worst decision you could make right now would be to settle for less than you have a right to deserve - and by golly, this guy has had his chances, and he does NOT deserve a girl like you. You have been more than gracious, and you seem like such a nice person - FAR too good for him!
Project yourself into the future when it will be even harder to extricate yourself from the (MISERABLE) life with him - AND you will be older too..possibly look older than your years due to the strain of living with HIM!!! Now throw a child or two into that mix . . A recipe for disaster, if you ask me! Of course, you can make allowances for a few faults - after all, we are only human - or even one or two misdemeanours, but the bottom line is..HE IS MAKING YOU UNHAPPY!!!
Please don't be in so much of a rush to settle down. This is your future - your LIFE at stake - so don't waste it on this one!..I left an unhappy marriage at the ripe old age of 51, and have now found happiness with a great guy who treats me like a queen - and unlike some guys, it is not just for the short term until he gets what he wants out of me..He just simply loves me..so if I can find love at my age, well, so can YOU!! Just take a bit longer to make those life-changing decisions. Good luck, and please feel free to mail me if you ever need some support - I can't offer a box of tissues and a bottle of wine, but hey, it's the thought that counts!
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