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*ikki866
writes: My name is Paula and I have just been left by my lover and partner, Joe. I am a 40 year old woman. Joe is 45 and divorced this past January.this is long, sorry but pls read it. i want your input.Joe and I met online in May. We fell hard and fast. It evolved into him wanting more than a casual girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. He said he was an all or nothing kind of guy, which suited me fine. When we first met, I told him straight up, if you're looking for casual, go find a college girl. To which he replied.... No, I love who you are! Over the months things were wonderful. We started out initially seeing each other 1-2 days a week but then he would say, 'when do I get to see you again'... and before you knew it, we had a full-time relationship, spending every night and weekend together, on his motorcycle, going out, having fun, even doing laundry at home.His ex-wife called incessantly from out of state begging him back. He hated the calls (literally 13 a day) where she cried and tried to get him back with her. He wanted no part of it. He would talk to her i in front of me while I sat silent and listened, so i knew he wasn't leading her on. Eventually she would not stop calling so he started giving me the phone to answer. After a 20 minute cordial conversation with her, she had not called again often and i believe the calls dwindled off... she told joe she had met someone in the state she lived in was the last i heard...By the way he was with her 6 years... no kids... she had a son prior who was a 24 yr old crackhead who detested Joe, and Joe him. The son actually moved to be close to her, out of state.Joe got serious. Here's a man who wanted his freedom since he raised his children when he was only 20 and at 45 wanted to have a mid-life crisis scenario where he could get on his harley and experience life. But then I came along...The first time he left me (or tried to... back in September) it was for the same reason (wanting freedom and no responsibility for anyone but himself) ~ I begged, cried, and tried to talk to him.... It worked. He came back, telling me that he had decided to put his 'dream' of going 'on the road alone' on the back burner to make a home with me and my children ages 10 and 6. I was elated. Joe and I evolved soon after into a relationship that was wonderful and evolved into a committed live-in situation.He mowed the lawn, fixed the water heater... moved all his furniture into the house, leaving his condo completely empty. He started remodeling it to rent out so he wouldn't have to pay the mortgage on an empty place. Things were great.Joe just moved in 3 weeks ago. Two weeks ago, he insisted we fly to Connecticut to meet my mother and father, so that he could show them he was "for real". He purchased the tickets, got them a thank you card for their hospitality. It went beautifully...He shook my father's hand and said, "I'm for real, and I'm going to take care of Paula"... he earned my parents' trust.When he moved in with me, he assured me that he was committed to me, and that by moving his belongings and furniture into my home, that was his way of proving it.Then, this past Tuesday night, he went to play poker. He told me on the way home, he felt awkward, as though he were coming home to a house that wasn't "his".... it's my home.... and he felt something wasn't right. Then.....Last night he came home and told me that while he loves me, he does not want the responsibility and obligation of raising my two children with me. He wishes he could prove his love for me by "taking me with him". I asked where he was going. He said he didn't know. Perhaps rent out his condo or sell it, sell his belongings, and move out of state to start a car business.....(he's a car salesman at heart)... He just wants to not have anyone depend on him.He says this hurts him immensely; to leave me.....but,He wants a no-ties life. He only wants to be responsible for himself.That said, he moved out and back into an empty condo to "tie up loose strings" in his life.Needless to say, i am devastated.From what he has told me, he wants nobody until he gets himself together but it won't be the ex-wife.Then he tells me he is sure this decision will be HIS LOSS, that he still loves me, is still in love with me, but is going in a different direction now. He says it is not about anyone else...he doesn't want a relationship at all. and that he isn't cut out for doing the "kid" thing again.It would have been nice if he had told me this before moving into my house.As it stands right now, he prefers his EMPTY (he told me to keep all of his furniture) dark cold, flea-infested condo with a broken bed over living with me under my roof. He has retreated in the worst way and says he feels he is losing his mind and doesn't know why but something isn't right and it has nothing to do with "me" or "us"...Can you help me with this huge problem? I am broken over this.He told me he would call to make sure I was ok. I said no, you don't have to. And you know... he didn't. It's been a few days now and I have disgusted myself.. I've been calling and crying...He did however send this email to me the other day: i still feel like i need to say how sorry i am ...... you will own a piece of my heart for the rest of my life ...... if i knew we would end up this way i would have never started anything at all ...... i never wanted to hurt you ... and im very sorry i did ....... in the long run im sure this will be my loss ........... but i just didnt know what else to do ...... i put myself in a position i thought i could handle ....... my intentions were always nothing but the best .......... iwill never forget you or the times we had .... im just sorry it had to end the way it did .... it killed me to see you cry and for you to be so hurt ....... i wish the last time i saw your face it wasn't while you were so hurt and crying ........ you will never know how hard it was for me to walk out that door and leave you on the couch crying ..... its something i will never forget and its killing me inside ...... i know you never saw me cry or act sad over this ... but believe me i still feel sick over this ..... i will always feel a great love for you .... and i will miss you always ..... i feel lost and im going through a hard time right now .... maybe its something i bring on myself ... i dont know ... but my head just wasn't into it ....... and as much as it hurt me to end this relationship i still feel like it was the right thing to do .... i wasn't being fair to you otherwise ............ again im very sorry and i hope you can forgive me ............ i will always love you ...... joeWhat is that? I mean I am grateful for his HONESTY in all of this, don't get me wrong... but he acts like he's hurt over this? He must be relieved! He is choosing the empty dark cold condo and an unknown path over me.I wrote him a 10-page letter about how much i loved him and what he meant to me.He said he did read it but didn't know where to start in terms of responding.......Since then he had to see me to get his key, and he held me and said, "I'm so sorry this is hurting you baby" and kissed me on the lips 3x.I left after hugging him and telling him i loved him, and that my biggest fear was that we wouldn't be friends a nd would lose all contact forever. He said no we'll be in touch always... but you know what? I call him and asked him if I could come over (he was home alone, i know... there is no furniture but a broken bed) and he tells me he would not be comfortable getting intimate as things stand, that it isn't fair and to go home and get some sleep myself.I said ok, went home and emailed him the next day as well as called. He didn't call back,.. I called crying hysterically and it turned into my screaming at him, and now he is yelling back at me. He's saying a lot of the same things to me he told his ex-wife and i'm SICK over it. Like he's reading from a mental script. I know i shouldn't call him... please don't flame me for that.Question now is, how can i handle this gracefully going forward? apologize (which would mean initiating contact again?) or do nothing at all so he may miss me?We were supposed to spend thanksgiving alone together... now we are both literally alone on that day!his choice!and... his birthday is the next day and he says he wants nothing and wants to be alone.i am devastated and now he's pissed at me for calling him... if i just stop calling will he think i just forgot about him? I wish I knew what i could say or do here to make it at least a civil breakup since I have made it ugly now...i don't want him to remember me like this. We had a lot of fun memories and were best friends. i'm just very hurt.please, any advice here ............ help
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female
reader, SERENE  +, writes (22 November 2006):
Feeling the way you do, I know how difficult it is to break away from him. At this stage, he is the only "thing" on your mind, and its virtually impossible to forget him. So you need to take this slowly, its going to kill you, but when you pick that phone up, don't dial his number, phone a "Life Line" counsellor in your area. You can tell them whatever you would have told your ex. You need to stop calling him, cos from your post I get the feeling that he would hurt you more. Please get your dignity back, cos you are worth more than him.
A
female
reader, Sadi +, writes (22 November 2006):
 hi there miss confused....
Seems to me that when he was with you, he acted towards his ex that he was with someone else, and had no need to be with her anymore... and now look....
things arnt workin out with you and now he isnt talking to you. Do you think that maybe he has found someone else? I mean maybe not though.. but the stories match....
But also, and my mom told this to me when my ex left me and my kids ( So it might be helpful ) Let the ones you love go.... If its meant to be, it will come back, Kinda like if you're meant to be with someone, it will happen... And I know by this age, you are worried, because u dont want to be alone. and thats totally understandable... but let him go, and if its true love, he will return.. You say that he wants to be alone... Maybe he was getting attatched to you, and he didnt want to get hurt, or make u hurt, and that scared him, and if thats the case...., then all this "alone" time hes getting, he is going to realize that it was so much more fun with you, ( and your kids ) in his life.. Especailly if he is 45, he is realizing that he isnt goin to live forever, and thats why he has never had a family, and now that he is realizing all this is going on in his life, and he might come back home to hes flea bed, and flea infested couches, and the family that he once left behind.. in the meantime ( NAD I KNOW THIS IS GOING TO BE HARD TO HEAR) as young as your kids are, dont spend all of your time dweling on his loss.. be with your kids, cause in the end, they will always be there for you.. and pick up a good LONG book.. and for every day your not stressin yourself out, treat yourself... I know i know, easier said then done. but believe me, if its meant to be, he will return, ( and i think he will) so.... i hope this helped..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2006): I can't help but think that you are very confused and hurt and angry right now and that you are in the heat of the moment of this break up and are not at all thinking clearly, you are all raw emotion and nerves, and I am sorry that you have found yourself in this place, and perhaps nothing I say is going to help you with that pain right now, but I will say it anyway.
Over and over in your post you repeat that the man does not want to be in a relationship, that he is going through a hard time (his excuse) that he left his marriage so he could have a no strings life riding his harley and have his mid-life crisis, but then he met you.
I think people tell us who they are, if we are willing to listen and pick up on that, he told you after meeting you why he left his marriage, and you thought that you could change that. Lesson learned, you are not that powerful, you cannot change another person no matter how much you love or how much you want what you want.
Moving in and bringing your furniture to another person's house does not prove anything, most of all love. What it does prove is that he needed a place to hang his hat after his divorce. How long before meeting you was he divorced? It takes a good couple of years for a man to really move on and not be rebounding from a long marriage, sometimes rebound relationshipa end in marriage, but most often they just fade.
It was nothing you did, you just did not pay attention to what he was telling you and you were swept away by your own desires and the erroneous belief that living together equal marriage commitment or a forever thing, it doesn't.
Going to see his ex at Thanksgiing, her crying and calling him all the time, tells me that they have a pretty sick relationship and it is probably based on some sort of co-dependency. Are either of these people big drinkers or use drugs? My guess is that they do, there life sounds chaotic.
If it were me and I was in your shoes, I would be relieved I found out now what a loser this guy really is, and be glad he is gone, he does not have much to offer you and on some deep level he knows this. I think he did you a favor.
Please take care of yourself, and call a friend or family member, go crash their Thanksgiving, they will be glad you did....
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