A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have trust issues with my partner, Ted. we met when experiencing the worst times of our lives, and eventually fell in love. became best friends, study partners and each other's greatest comforter. the issue is, Ted had cheated on his former girlfriend, Mary Anne, to be with me. he had been with her for 5 years (since high school), and they've been happy with no problems. Mary Anne is a demure, composed, plain but pretty girl, while I am passionate, intense and independent. Ted fell in love with the fire in me, and we were a great team working and studying together. it was painful and complicated, and took nearly a year before Ted finally found the courage to make a decision of choosing between us both; and chose to be with me.after a year together and about 2 years in love, I still am deeply jealous of what Mary Anne and Ted shared: the moments times and places. Ted used to take many pictures of her and together with her, while he is not like that with me. they were each other's first loves, and shared many firsts. Mary Anne still loves Ted, but Ted claims to have seen his love for her die over this past year. yet, he has lied to me about meeting and contacting her. once, he asked for her vacation pictures to be emailed to him. and I had logged in to his email, and upon finding them, confronted him. he says he did it as her friend, because she has no friends to share such excitements with. I die inside, thinking of the momentos and things he keeps of her, pictures and videos. it kills me. I die wondering if he talks to her sometimes, or if she contacts him and he doesn't tell me. Ted and I are strained at times, and at these moments I wonder if he wished me mellow like Mary Anne instead. until today, he has not told me of why he chose me instead, and never compares us two. I suppose that is noble, but I feel as if I can never better Mary Anne, because Ted will never say so. I love Ted, but sometimes our past haunts me and my mind is tormented at whether he will hide things from me. lately, I have begun to realise that it is very difficult for me to trust him.and yet.. I want to be with him. what should I do? how do I forget about him and Mary Anne? how do I learn to trust him, despite his past track record of distrust?Elle
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2013): Trust is not something you "learn." Its something you EARN. Ted has not earned your trust, naturally. And to be fair, you cannot trust Ted. As you already know, he is not trustworthy. Ted seems like the type who plays off of people's egos. And you seem like the type who likes your ego stroked at all costs. I bet you enjoyed being the woman Ted "chose." He gave up demure Mary Anne, his first love, for you. And I suspect that challenge was a large part of your attraction. Him leaving another woman for you is what made you feel special and the driving force behind your relationship. Your relationship wasnt built on a solid, healthy, trusting foundation, but on a competition. One that you wanted to win at all costs. And Im not saying this to be mean, but only to make you aware so you can work on it. Youve got to learn to put your ego aside. And tap into your more humble self. Even if that means accepting that you didnt "win." When you shouldnt even be looking at this like a competition. I have a feeling that if you could learn to let it be, put your ego aside, let go of the "competition" you so direly want to be ahead in, and just accept reality, you may even realize you dont even really like Ted that much. Just a hunch.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (30 April 2013):
 I agree with those that say you will never trust him. He has not given you any reason to trust him.
He "left" the "love of his life" for you and yet he has not left her, they are still in contact, still emailing and I am betting if you said "choose me or her" he's going to pick her. (as he should no one who issues an ultimatum should get their way)
Since he has already proven himself to be UN-trustworthy I'm not sure how you expect him to prove trustworthiness... trust once broken is never fully repaired.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2013): You give a complete and compelling story that I find disturbing. You have had the ultimate in trust broken between him and you. He has a history. Who is to stay that he now doesn't got back to this hoe? Excuse the rude comparison. And your going to be left alone at night in bed crying. I am sorry. But Listen and Listen carefully. He is a cheat. Once a cheat always a cheat. If you don't believe me you can read all about it on the web. And please don't even compare your plight to Tiger Woods x. I as a women know what you have gone through and share the pain and frustration. There is only one hope of salvation for you and that is to break this off now. Don't look back. Don't beat yourself up. Don't say If I had only done that. No.No. No. Pack your bags and move on. Don't wait another moment. Leave a message on the table and tell him its over and move on. Take a valuable life lesson from this unfortunate experience. Learn that trust is earned and not given freely and learn to set a clear definition to your next love what is going to be acceptable behaviour within a relationship if he and you agree to a one on one single monogamous relationship between you two. No cheating, no exchange of emails and no mental or whatever support to a x from a previous relationship. And I hope and pray that in your new life you go on to enjoy the benefits of a dedicated man who is not selfish and self centred looking out for his wants and needs before he even addresses yours. And I believe you will be successful because you have added a important element to a successful relationship and that is accountability for ones actions. A element that seems to be lacking in society more and more each day. I know what your thinking. Yes it is going to hurt, Yes it is going to be hard to do. Yes you will stumble along the way but you will get back up and move forward looking for that special man because regardless of what you feel and think there are men who want to give you a complete package. Get up, raise your head high and move forward your a great person even though you may not be able to see the full picture yet.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2013): I have been the 'Mary Anne' in your story. I know he still loves me in a way (2 years on), and I still have love for him that will never really pass. I know he cares for me, and does small things on the odd occasion, which reminds me that he cares for me. BUT, he made his choice, and he gives his devotion and love and time and energy and commitment and money and sex and everything wonderful about himself, to the other woman, that he chose over me.
You HAVE to make a decision. To trust him and be with him, or not trust him and don't be with him. He probably has some residual feelings for Mary Anne and that is just the way it will be. If he didn't, he would not be such a genuine loving man. You do not need to be jealous or insecure about it, you need to rejoice in the fact, that he chose to be with you. You need to allow that he had a life before you, as you did too, and know that that is part of what made him the man you love today.
If he ever decides to be with Mary Anne again, then IF that happens, you have to let him go, but that is only a small IF, that you are allowing to destroy the wonderful things you DO have, with a man you LOVE. so embrace what you DO have. There is no certainty in ANY relationship, NEVER!.....so love what you share with him today, and every day let go of the past. Enjoy the PRESENT.
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A
female
reader, Nyasha Moyo  +, writes (30 April 2013):
 Im sorry,but cheating is what he's doing right now.what goes around comes around. Go out there and find someone new, yours alone with the history you dont know.This one is 2 be used for pleasure if u nid one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2013): There is nothing you can do because you know what he's capable of. If someone shiny and new comes along that he likes more than you he will cheat on you too. He may well even be thinking of getting back with her and you'll never know until he does because he's a cheater OP and he can't be trusted.
Not only that but he is still seeing her behind your back and lying about it. So there is every chance he is cheating on you with her right now, and why not? You were perfectly willing to cheat with him, you can't now complain that he's doing it to you too. That's the kind of guy he is.
Sorry OP but you will never be able to trust him completely, you will never feel secure with him and you will not be able to forget her because he hasn't and he still has a relationship with her. Think about it OP, he knows she still wants him back, and he's sneaking behind your back to see her. Are you really that blind to what he's doing?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2013): "what should I do?"
Accept the cold harsh reality that if Ted was capable of dumping his first love for another woman when the chips were down, then he's certainly capable of dumping the other woman (you) for another other woman at any moment.
"how do I forget about him and Mary Anne?"
You can't, the only reason you're in the picture is because he chose to remove her from it.
"how do I learn to trust him, despite his past track record of distrust?"
You don't. Trust is earned by proving one does not violate another's trust, and since you know first hand as a willing participant that Ted violated Mary Anne's trust then you should be aware at all times that an equally opportunistic female is all that it would take for you to have reason to distrust him.
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