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female
,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend just had his first child with his ex-girlfriend. We have been dating for almost 7 months and he had left her before she found out she was pregnant. Prior to the baby, we had intentions on getting married, buying a house and starting a family, but after this baby I am finding it hard to cope. The mother of the child refuses to let me see the baby and my boyfriend believes there is nothing he can do. He is extremely happy and overwhelmed by the fact that he just had his first baby, but I feel like I cant be happy for him when Im not included in this babys life. He has been wonderful with me and asks me to give it time...I have full intentions on being there for him and his child but if I sit back and miss this part of both their lives will i ever be able to get move on?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all of your advice...this was my first day on here and was shocked at how quick everyone was to reply. Everyone has great advice.
A
female
reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx  +, writes (30 November 2006):
 This is a tough situation, as you want what's best for all of you but you don't want to miss out on this time of the babies life who could be part of your one day. You need to talk to your boyfriend. He must explain to this ex that you are part of his life now and she needs to allow you to see the baby as a couple.
I know he may be wary of this, as she could try to stop him seeing the baby at all. If this happens, you can go through the courts to see her, either way, he has a right to see his child. You don't have any legal rights, as you know, but it would certainly be beneficial to the child to get to know you, especially if you're going to marry it's daddy.
This woman seems like she isn't over her ex and wants to cling onto him and not accept that he's moved on. You are the symbol to her that she has lost him, but with the baby, she still has some bargaining power with him and still has a lot of his attention. You need to make him realise how you're feeling and ask him to talk to his ex and make her realise what's best for the baby.
If he's not willing to do this, maybe you need to think about whether you can cope with all this baggage with a guy. It sure is a lot to handle for a new couple, I know I couldn't do it. Just be strong and try and get him to help you out with this.
If he doesn't and you're desperate to sort this out, why not go to the source of the problem. I know it seems drastic but if you spoke to her, maybe you could both see what's best for the baby and she may start to be able to let go.
Apart from all this, you need to take a step back. If nothing happenn, I think you need to give him an ultimatum. You don't want to be in the background anymore. You've been a big enough person to accept a man with a newborn child to someone else and you don't need this hanging over your head as well. He needs to let her know they're over and it's you two now, accept it.
Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2006): Oh Poor You! What a thing to happen. The timing was so wrong. You must feel so out of the picture.
The best way around it is to give your bf as much support as you can. Buy some little gift for the new baby, send a special card along at Christmas and try and sit back and wait until she lets you in. I know she will be feeling a bit odd herself about the situation and probably doesn't want you near the baby but if you love this guy then you are going to have to go along with her decision. You cannot force yourself upon her and the baby right now. I'm sure once her hormones have settled down she will let you get closer.
Best wishes and i'm sure better days are ahead just be brave and strong.
Take care
xxx
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