A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So, for the past few months my husband and I have been having alot of problems. He has become very angry, to the point of verbal abuse and in his mind I am his enemy and at least every week he would blow up at me for some thing or another. Really scary rages. Horrible put downs, breaking things, threats, just trying to completely break me down to the point of hysterical tears. I tried everything to get along and he just became angrier and angrier. He threatened to leave so many times, saying he didn't want to be with me anymore but I convinced him to stay or he would drop it after things cooled off. Last weekend he was screaming at me and threatened to leave- so I let him go. I laid out very clear guidelines and expectations for coming home, and he came back. The very next morning he had another blow up and I changed the locks after he left. He has about a week's worth of clothes at a family member's house. I told him and said he would let me know if he wanted his things and I would meet him outside. I never heard from him again. I guess I thought he would take me seriously and realize his behavior was not ok, and apologize and ask to come back. Nope- I text him twice and he will not respond. I realize that what I did sounds harsh- but I had to take a stand against the attacks (it is really really bad). This is the first time I actually followed through when I said I wasn't putting up with it. But, it's just left me feeling empty and depressed. I tried to be strong and stick up for myself but I feel just as awful as I did when he was here treating me like garbage. I know I can't change him, but I don't want to lose him either. He did not used to be this way and I don't know how to get through to the person he used to be. What can I do?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 March 2013):
 “he claims it’s because I make him so unhappy and ruin everything in his life”
OP he’s a JERK… he won’t even OWN his behavior and instead tries to blame it on you?
That’s so wrong. IT’s NOT YOUR FAULT no matter what he says and no matter what you do. IF he loses his temper it’s ALL ON HIM.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): I am the OP and I appreciate the kind words. We did try therapy (his idea) actually and it was a disaster. He is not on any drugs and does not drink. It seems his anger just boils up and he explodes. He claims it is because I make him so unhappy and ruin everything in his life (actually I have bent over backwards to help him). When he was angry, he would always talk about getting his own place and how he had been looking and touring different apartments. I know there is nothing I can do about that- but it is hard when I am imagining that is what he is doing this week and there is nothing I can do about it. I hate him making that type of decision without trying to talk with me about it, because obviously that affects us both. I am trying to prepare for that and am assuming I will get a call at some point springing on me that he is coming to move his things out. I am trying to be strong. It is very difficult to think he has just walked away so easily but I am not sure what else to assume since he has threatened me with that for months. I am dreading that call, because then I know it will be 'over' and there will be no hope. I know that sounds ridiculous considering how awful he has been- but I do want things to be ok- I just don't know how to get them there again.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (21 March 2013):
Lets see. Verbally abusive. Potentially physically abusive. Now he left and you dont know what to do? I think the word for that is CELEBRATE.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 March 2013):
I don't think you were harsh. IF he was being abusive you did the right thing.
IF you tried to reconcile and he would not do what needs to be done, then you did the right thing.
You are mourning a loss and will feel empty and sad even if you know it's best for him to be gone.
what you miss is the potential and the guy he used to be and maybe could be again... YOU ARE NOT MISSING what he currently is.
what are you losing with him gone right now? a man that treats you like garbage... this is not a big loss OP.... it feels bad but it will pass
I think some counseling to work on things yourself is in order...
stay strong and don't cave... if he goes for therapy and improves and returns to the man you knew and loved... perhaps it will work out... but HE HAS TO WANT IT TOO.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (21 March 2013):
 no, no, no!!! what you did does NOT sound harsh! don't you dare think that! i think you deserve an award for courage. there's so many women on this site who come here and ask for advice about their abusive husbands/boyfriends and they always put up with it and wind up staying. you put your foot down and made a stand. and i think that's incredibly brave of you. good for you.
is it possible that your husband has started using drugs or steroids? sounds like 'roid rage if you ask me. but i can't speculate as to what's causing the outbursts and rage as it's really impossible to know from where i sit.
if your husband is not contacting you, i think this is good. keep it this way for a while. both of you need to cool off and relax. maybe he will come to his senses and straighten himself out. or maybe he won't. but either way, at least you'll have some emotional and physical space from him to get your sanity back for a bit and clear your head.
eventually, you two will have to contact each other, as you have all of his stuff and if you wish to eventually divorce.
maybe him being kicked out of the house was the best thing for him. maybe it was a bit of a wake up call that he needs to get his shit straightened out. honestly, sometimes it takes things like this happening for some people to finally wake the hell up.
at least right now you're safe and you have some time to get yourself emotionally straightened out. you don't have to live in fear anymore. take this time to evaluate what you want and need. focus on you. best of luck.
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A
female
reader, Auntie5 +, writes (21 March 2013):
OP, if he will not get counseling to change his behavior, then you are much better off without him! I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. But, living with a man who is verbally abusive, throws or breaks things, and generally has anger management issues is living in hell. Better that he should leave you, instead of putting you in the hospital -- and if you stay together, that may be the outcome. Don't text him, or call, or email, or anything else, and don't respond if he tries to get in touch with you. Go no contact. It's hard at first, but it will get easier with time. I'd also suggest that you call your local women's shelter for advice on how to handle things if he does try to get back in touch, as well as recommendations for counsellors and divorce attorneys experienced with abusive relationships, and so on. Or, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/contact-the-hotline/ Getting over an abusive relationship is difficult, because your partner beats down your sense of self-worth long before he lays a hand on you. But there are a lot of us who've overcome it and gone on to lead happy and productive lives, and you can, too.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (21 March 2013):
 Hi
It's hard to say what his problem is,but clearly something triggered the change in him in the last few months.
You have done right to tell him to leave,you can't live in an atmosphere like that indefinately.
Give him time and space to cool off, you need time to recover too.
Eventually you should suggest meeting,only in a public place,a restaurant maybe, and talk,see if you can find out what his problem is,see if there is a future together
You will have alot to sort out, if it ends in divorce, financially and otherwise.
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