A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I just moved to London from Birmingham for post-grad studies, and I'm having an absolutely miserable time here. He's never around because he always has a lecture, a seminar, a project meeting to go to, even at the weekend, so I constantly find myself alone in our flat, twiddling my thumbs. I'm also studying, but my workload is considerably lighter than his. I'm trying to be understanding, I do everything around the house (cooking, cleaning, laundry) and try to make our home as comfy as possible for him, because I know he's highly stressed. The problem is that we never do anything outside of the house together (we don't really do anything at home either, other than study, eat, and watch telly together). We never go out for drinks, dinner, we've yet to go to a club in London and we've been here for over 3 months. My friends from uni, most of whom are single, meet up weekly for clubbing/pub-crawling, but I don't go to these events because my husband says that he feels uncomfortable about it. What am I supposed to do? I'm going mad sitting at home, and the only friends I do have in London are "off limits" to me because they're single and want to party. I feel so frustrated, and I'm growing resentful towards my husband. I even half-jokingly asked him if I could have a boyfriend on the side to take me out. He didn't find this funny. We've also have serious budget constraints, so it's no possible for me to spend money on things like art classes or a gym membership. I feel like I'm in prison. Please help. I'm in tears at least once a week over this and my husband is very harsh in his response to me. :*(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): Dear Madam:
I'm American, and England's different, but I'm wondering: are there any organizations you could become involved in that don't require a huge layout?? If you guys are on a budget--alas this is the lot of grad students--partying with friends might also get pricey when you pay for drinks...but it could also lead to sidling up with other people, which is probably what your husband is nervous about--particularly when it sounds to me like he basically KNOWS he is neglecting you, but feels to completely stressed out to be able to do anything to rememdy it.....if you are honestly looking to find a lover, well, that may be what you want to do--but I'm guessing you wouldn't have queried this situation to strangers were it not for some ambivalence about taking that route....
Sooo, since you said you are studying, and so is he, here are my suggestions, some of which replicate the excellent suggestions of previous posters: scroll through 'em and see if any of them might help:
1. Tell him how you feel, using all the "couple counseling rules of thumb" (i.e. use sentences that begin with "I", rather than accusatory sentences that begin with "you,") and see what his reaction is. Could he, perhaps, be persuaded to designate Friday nights as a movie/date night for the two of you, leaving him the weekend to work like a hunted animal (typical graduate student condition, alas...)?? Or a Sunday breakfast together?? Would that be enough of a compromise to take you through this crisis period without leaving him??
2. Are any of the lectures he's attending open to spouses and of any interest to you?? I have colleagues who sometimes attend these functions with their partners--wondering if making his work the subject of an occasional "date night" would diffuse the tension by making him feel like he was killing two birds with one stone (making you happy; making his supervisor happy...)??
3. Several writers have mentioned volunteering. This is big in America; I don't know about England, but you might consider it--particularly if you can volunteer in a venue that would enhance your career or degree program credentials.
4. What are YOUR academic obligations like? Could you participate in a seminar/study group/lecture series that might give you a leg up academically and enhable you to spend your time productively moving your own career forward rather than being alone in the house??
The first priority should be to end the current pattern where you sit in the house by yourself. That isn't good for you, or your marriage; it simply convinces your husband that he can, with impunity, ocntinue his attitude of neglect--nor does it improve your academic standing, or move your own life forward. If your husband is emotionally more self-sufficient, or more career-focused than you are, you are either going to be obliged to meet him halfway or consider leaving him. But if you don't find things to do that make you more independent, he unfortunately may not wake up to the idea that working on the marriage is a responsibility you share. You love him, but you aren't his maid. This is gonna be a negotiation, but it begins with situating yourself in a position of strength.
I hope you will accept my best wishes for an outcome to this situation that yields the happiness eluding you now.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2010): Hi,
Well I can certainly sympathise on this one, cause the same happened to me 5 years ago. That sure seems like a long time ago now.
I survived a move from the city to the middle of nowhere Actually London to the rural West Midlands, a place where they've never heard of cappucino and the only shop shuts at 4pm.)
Okay so here are some practical things that can help you.
1. You are NOT only your other half's handmaiden, you are someone unique and special, which means you've got something to give others.
2. No money? no problem. Grab your coat and go out for a walk to the nearest public place, museum, library, art gallery, park whatever. You are going to see loads of people who are in the same situation as you. Just SMILE, if you can say Good Afternoon, whatever. Start connecting in a tiny way with others. It will make their day and it will start to change yours. You get a break from the relentless grind of housework and when someone says Hi back you to, you're going to start feeling really good about yourself.
Just keep to the daylight hours and keep it safe.
3. Take your studies out of the home and into the local library. People will be interested in what you are doing. Apart from that, if use the Council's heating bill, not your own.
4. Twice a week, go and grab a newspaper and a small coffee in a regular place (daytime and make it safe). Just get out of the house. Get a pattern going, the staff will start to recognise you and you'll feel a sense of belonging.
5. Start writing a blog, use your sense of humour and wait for people to find you and start commenting back.
6. Volunteering - its really really worth it.
7. Let your other half contribute to the housekeeping, don't waste all of your brain on getting the sheets clean or the sink shiny - its give and take.
8. Get up every morning and put your make-up on and do your hair ... no really, invest time in yourself. Even L'Oreal says your worth it.
9. Get time in the other half's diary ... he needs a break and so do you. Cook together, walk hand in hand along the street. DON'T take no for an answer.
10. Your studies and your acheivements are no less than your other half's. Remember that. You are just as important, just as special AND very very clever.
All the luck and love in the world - now get out there and make someone smile back at you!
Lucy
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A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE  +, writes (20 November 2010):
 hmm you could try reading books you would be surprised at how much a good book helps pass the time.. i think you should stick it out with your hubby but he does need to treat you better... an make time for you. i think clubbing an hangng out is overated why would i pay somebody to go into there cub then pay more for their expensive drinks just to listen to overly loud music.. im fan of not spending money i like money more then the things i can buy with it. i also suggest embracing the internet plenty to do on here... if you have so much free time start up a business or something time is a precious resource it has value so spend it wisely. tell your husband you want him to take you out to dinner evry Wednesday and that hes being a jerk and the buck stops here
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (20 November 2010):
 I found living in London doing my PhD an expensive and lonely experience! I suggest you get in touch with other postgrad's at your college and try to socialise with them. If you don't want to go clubbing then ask your party-friends to meet you for a coffee instead. If they are your real mates then they will oblige. Maybe you could think about doing some voluntary work. I did some charity work when I was studying and I met a couple of social contacts that way. It also gets you out of the house doing something that looks good on the CV and doesn't cost you anything. Many charities will pay your transport costs and even offer training or perks for volunteers.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (20 November 2010):
 I'm not from your part of the world, but have you thought about doing volunteer work? It would get you out, meet other people, and occupy your time. I know how you feel, my guy was a doctor, and he worked sometimes 18 hour days, 7 days a week. I found myself alone so much, even working a part time job and studying. It what I did to help the times alone not seem so much, and I enjoyed what I did because I was helping others. Just a thought....
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