A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My ex left me for his colleague last year. Until now, we are friends (which I regret). I could not say no since I know that he have helped me a lot during my hard times. Recently, he said that his GF (the one whom he left me for) has moved to his house. I'm sad since I know that It won't be possible for me to call him to his house anymore. and It was difficult to imagine him having family and so on. So, suddenly I decided to cut all the contact with him since I thought that It won't be possible to keep being friends like this. After that, He kept sending me messages by asking why I didn't reply his e-mails, why I was angry, etc. On the last e-mail, he made a conclusion that I had a bad temperament, which hurt me so much. I'm patient and I've never yelled or been sarcastic to anyone. Even I felt that many people used me since I was too kind. What should I do? Should I reply his mail or just ignore? How to reply his mail, I won't be able to explain to him what I feel or think Reply to this Question
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female
reader, goodwoman  +, writes (13 August 2009):
Have you never heard of the word "boundary"? Setting boundaries is just good common sense. You let people walk all over you by not having any boundaries. Example: your ex. He has a GF but he wants to still be friends with you. He emails you, why? When you don't email back he then hurls criticisms at you. This is a man that needs to control - he is attempting to still control you.....you need to set some boundaries for yourself. A good boundary would be to not accept his dysfunctional behavior and not have contact with him anymore. You don't need to explain yourself. He knows. By maintaining some sort of contact with you he can still control you. Is this what you want? Now, the part where you are nice. There is nothing wrong with being nice. However, again you need to practice saying "no" to people. Simple, just say "no thank-you", or thanks for thinking of me, but, "no thank-you". You should look at your "need to please". In the end it is you that ends up on the short end of it. Do you worry that if you don't please the people around you that they won't like you? There is nothing wrong with setting a boundary for yourself. Take care of number one first, all else will fall into place. Lastly, lonely is a state of mind. You don't need to be hooked up to a guy in order to not be lonely. Get out there and do things....do something for you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank your for your answers, actually I felt bad to not respond his mail since He helped me a lot when I had difficulties (I live lonely here), but I helped him also a lot specially in January 2008, when he was depressed and even wanted to commit suicide (he left me then for this girl since he said that he could not be in a relationship with someone who saved his life). Now, I have to move on since He updated his status with his GF so easily, he didn't think about how I feel. Last year, when I said that I wanted to cut all, he said "ah if u do that every time you break up with a guy, then no wonder if you are lonely all of your life". It's like I'm the one who is always wrong in this case.
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A
female
reader, Renee okc  +, writes (13 August 2009):
I think in this case you got what you wanted, now you want to contact him just to explain why you aren't talking to him anymore. That seems like a stupid idea to me, he apparently has no regard for your feelings if he find it necessary to constantly update you on him and his new girls info. If you were feeling bad then yes you did need to cut off contact with him instead of acting like nothing bothers you maybe you need to tell people how you really feel. Being nice never got anyone anywhere honey you need to get some balls and start putting people in there place starting with your ex. Email him for what move on he has broke up with you for another women he needs to move on he wasn't worried about your friendship when he hooked up with his co-worker. I advise you ignore him if he emails you again then take the time to explain that it bothers you right now to friends and maybe in the future you will be able to be his friend but for right now you can't, he should be able to understand that and if can't then screw him. Find yourself a new love or passion and stop living in the past and being weak.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (13 August 2009):
 I'd let him know that keeping up the friendship has been too painful, and to save your heart you are moving on. Tell him it was fun and that you wish him the best of luck with his life.
Good luck.
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