A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i knew my bf since college. We were friends back then although we lost contact for about two years. We met again through a reunion and started dating, for about a year now.I noticed he does not seem to trust me which i find very disturbing. Anything i tell him he seems to ask over again at some latter time. I thought it naturally at first but decided to ask him why he does that. He said he wants to compare what i told him now with i told him before to find out if i am sincere. I have never lied to him or anyone in my life, so i cant understand why he does this.. I have never had a problem with trust with any of my ex-boyfriends. I have noticed this now countless time and right now it is putting a strain in our relationship. He does not seem to see anything wrong and says trust has to be earned. I have tried talking to him but he never listens.He said if i am sincere i should not have a problem it. Am overreacting in this case as he says.
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (28 June 2007):
 He is right in claiming that trust has to be earned, but I suggest you remind him that it works both ways.
Keeping you off balance is a betrayal of your trust in his reactions. And this brings up another very important concept in a successful relationship - respect.
It appears he has little self-respect, which blocks his ability to respect others.
Dr. Pete's observations are spot on. Your guy has a serious problem, and only he can fix it. Until he fixes it he will manipulate you to assuage his own fears and insecurities. It is up to you to decide whether or not you have the stomach to see him through this potentially long road to becoming someone who has self-respect. Good luck and take care.
A
female
reader, Dojha  +, writes (28 June 2007):
 my advice is a bit different. i think you brofriend has self-worth issues too but i think that you can tackle this situation much differently.
Understanding his self-worth problem should make you realise that he does need some sort of security. perhaps in thep ast others may have let him down and now he is unable to trust even those he loves- you for example.
what i think you should do is keep telling the truth as you always do whenever he asks you questins over and over again but try not to let it stress and annoy you as you now know that he just needs to know you are trust worthy.
secondly, on a day when he is in a good mood you might want to ask him about the past and if many people have let him down. if he reveals anything to you, make him understand at the end of it that even though you are only human you will do your best to always remain the trust wothy girl he loves.
that should increase his self-worth and confidence in the things you tell him.
tk cr,
Dojha
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2007): I don't want to put thoughts in to your head but you should be careful about people who are emotionally underdeveloped. As you say yourself he has security issues and these things don't usually sort themselves out, they are indications that there are more deeper issues about self-worth and how he sees himself.
Him testing you is not love, it's not love at all. In fact it is this kind of controlling behaviour that destroys love, as I'm sure you are starting to see. You need to be firm with him and not allow him to invade your identity by testing you and trying to control you in this way.
Whilst you are being firm you can be encouraging and supportive, he needs to learn the difference between the two. You also need to remember that by allowing him to test you all the time it is only serving to make his insecurities worse, it won't bring you closer or help him.
He needs to find the emotional strength to tackle his issue and work to put it behind him. It sounds though he hasn't even got to the stage of agreeing that he is the one with the problem and that is worrying because until he does he will always blame you or see you as being there to deceive and lie to him.
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