A
female
age
41-50,
*iss confused3683
writes:Help!! iv recently found out i am pregnant i have been with the baby's farther 7 mths i know that not long and it wasn't anything serious the pregnancy wasn't planned.i told him about the baby and at the time he said he will support me as much as he can which t that i said that's fine. but after him leaving my house he sent me a text and told me he will pay for an abortion i was in total shock as id previously told him i don't believe in having an abortion and that i wasn't going to have one.but ever since he keeps telling me he would Rather be dead then be a daddy and that if his family find out they will disown him and he can't loose is mum.i haven't asked him for anything or forced him into doing anything but i dont know how to deal with his threats to kill himself. what do i do? as i know i am keeping this baby! i just feel trapped and guilty that hes thinking these things.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2013): I think a bit of male perspective is needed here. Did the guy DEMAND an abortion? Or did he just state his wishes and the O.P. reacted like he was demanding it? Its understandable that a woman would really want her man to agree with her about the decision to keep a baby. But women sometimes carry that too far and react like their man is making a demand just because he does not agree with her. Is the boyfriend really "not being straight up" or is he just struggling with mixed feelings? Feeling conflicted is not the same thing as being manipulative. My ex GF had a habit of saying I was trying to play mind games any time my opinion changed about something. For some reason she was allowed to change her mind but whenever I did it I was being deceptive. Maybe the OPs boyfriend's feelings are changing is because this is one of the biggest decisions in his life and he is struggling to make himself agree with her when he really does not. 'he would rather be dead than be a father"I don't know if this is a real threat or just a way of stating how strongly he feels what he does. It depends on the person. Some people threaten suicide all the time. Others never do. Some people say things like that to make a point, others don't. I know its womens body but becoming a parent is also a huge life-altering thing for most men too. Men are fallible human beings like everyone else. We are capable of having complicated emotions and changing feelings too. Men don't have the right to tell women what to do but we deal with our own intense difficult feelings about a pregnancy just like women do.
A
female
reader, miss confused3683 +, writes (11 July 2013):
miss confused3683 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi yes I do know this and haven't asked. him for anything nor do I expect anything from him!! Thing his he not being straight up with me and now I don't know what's happening with him as he changes his mind more times than I eat hot meals!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2013): Hi, did it ever occur to you that he does not want the baby, because he may not see a long term relationship with you. He also feel trapped that you fell pregnant so early in a relationship. His excuses and threat result from him being in a situation that he does not want to be.
Don't expect anything from let alone to be there for you when the baby comes. He may provide child support because its his responsibility but any form of relationship with you may not happen.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (10 July 2013):
 His problem not yours.
he's dumping guilt on you to get you to have an abortion you do not want.
In addition, you don't know for a fact his mom won't be happy to be a grandmother... I'd be thrilled to be a grandma at this point although I would prefer my son to be married to the baby's mother, that's not the case here nor is it likely to happen as he sounds like a childish boy hiding behind his "my mommy will be upset" line.
if you are 30+ then I would hope he is mid 20s or older and he needs to be just as responsible for his mistake as you will be.
If you refuse to have an abortion (which is your right) and you plan to keep your baby (also your right) you need to let this child who impregnated you that his threats of suicide carry no weight with you.
If you have met his mother (and at 7 months being sexual I would hope the family at least KNOWS about you) then you need to let him know he has to tell her or you will let his parents know they are going to be grandparents... it may be the first grand baby and mom will want to be more involved than the stupid son thinks...
His threats to kill himself are met with "not my problem leave me in the will to care for our child"
seriously... even if he does it (he won't) you are not the blame or the fault.
Let him know
a. I do not expect you to parent as clearly you are not mature enough for this role
b. I do expect you to pay an appropriate amount of child support to the child you helped create and therefore will be hiring a good family lawyer to ensure you do the legal thing.
then hire a lawyer. once the baby is born get a paternity test (just to prove the baby is his, even if you know it for a fact and he agrees it's his, in this case it's a good idea to have it done)
after paternity is proven if you two are NO longer together (probably going to happen eventually anyway) get COURT ordered child support payments that are GARNISHED from his wages so that you need not have ANY contact with him at all.
If he wishes visitation, he can petition for it.
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A
female
reader, miss confused3683 +, writes (10 July 2013):
miss confused3683 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice :) im already a single mum of 2 who are now 12 and 9 and i have been a fab mum and brought them both up to be bright and interdependent and will do the same with the new addition havent need help or anything from there dad so i know ill be fine... i own my own business and at the moment financially fine. i just struggling to deal with him not knowing what hes going to do one min hes supporting me the next hes telling me hes going to kill himself and then its i should have an abortion then his mind changes again arg so confusing!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2013): Don't let him emotionally blackmail you. Your body, your baby .... just let him know that he doesn't want to be there then he doesn't have to be BUT that you won't have termination. Every idiot knows sex can equal prenancy no matter how "safe" you are, no birth control 100% effective. Only to be sure to garentee no kids is no sex or get snipe, his fault too your pregnant. If he'd rather be dead than a daddy then he should have been acting differently. Don't let him push or bully you. If you have to, remove yourself from the picture for a while. Let him get his head around it. Sounds like he could be from a religious background so be careful. People do exstream things to stop truth from getting out sometimes, if you feel yourself in danger at all .... don't be alone with him, change locks, numbers etc xOther posters offered brilliant advice i agree with xGood luck and congrads on baby xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2013): Threats like that are immature. If he is so stronge about not having a baby then he (especially) should of used a condom. Take no notice of his 'threat' Have the baby and if he wants to be apart of its life them let him. If dose not then tell him the door is open.
I know it sounds bad but if tell him no matter what you want him on the birth certificate even If he doesn't want to be apart of your life. That way you can make him pay through CSA. You should not have to raise a child alone with no help just because the dad can't face up to his responsibility.
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