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female
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anonymous
writes: Please help!My boyfried of 6 months dumped me without any warning or explanation....6 months ago. I was madly in love with him and really thought he felt the same way.Anyway, we recently got back in touch...we met up, and whilst I was trying to be cool with him....he showed me all the same feelings I thought he had for me before. We almost kissed, but I stopped anything from happening as I didn't understand him and was fearful of making an idiot of myself. However, we agreed to start seeing each other again......(although we never did actually make it to the next date....)He ended up doing the same thing to me again - ignored my calls!!Anyway, I finally told him where to go and not to contact him, as I realised he was a total player, and that I couldn't love someone who treated me like crap.Ironically, he has now texted me 3 times - to wish me Happy New Year, and twice to wish me merry Xmas.Is he playing games or what? I'm so tempted to get in touch with him and explore whether he does have any feelings for me left.......but I really don't want to make a fool of myself, either. Please advise!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2007): I know this so well, and when you do detatch yourself and move on, then what usually happens is curiosity or bordom (or both) motivate them to try to connect with you. By this time we've usually gone through the pain barrier, moved on and the person they imagine they are making contact with no longer exists. Too little too late, and just sigh with relief that it's more an addictive behaviour pattern, than that person being motivated by care for you. In my opinion bored cats seek another mouse, and I don't want to be a mouse being toyed with until bored. These types never change. I've reached my fifties, and I still meet these guys whatever their age. There should be a ''Little Book of Excuses'' of why love and care took time out.......'left my mobile phone in the car'' or ''I have a different perception on time''.
My last experience started with a dream. The guy had mislead me, but gave lots of signs that he thought something of me. Bought me stuff and said ''I was one of life's beautiful people''. We had a huge range of liking the same thing etc. I had a dream before we met up for a few days and in that dream he was stood in a kitchen that contained 5 cookers, and he gave me a salad. I shared the dream with him, and he thanked me for feeling comfortable enough to share it with him. How patronising I thought as he never went beyond the language to anything physical - yet he would plant a quick 2 second kiss on my lips. What all that was about I don't know, he stayed in his own bedroom, and I lay awake trying to figure out the mixed messages. It was like calling a salad a warm meal. I've never phoned him since returning home, and have no intention of doing. He has not even had the respect to phone me to see if I made it back ok. He's studied psychology for 3 years and he made me feel like a case study the whole time using text book talk, and combing over a lot of what I said until I became nervous of speaking as I could hear his reply before I'd said anything.
I did throw him off course one day when he for the umpteeth time ask me ''what I was thinking'' - I said loudly ''Lust!!''- there was a long silence. I hinted with a sledge hammer that as we'd only got a few days together and don't see one another for months because of being separated by distance, but nothing happened apart from him one day announcing ''just tell me what you want'' (as if I would say ''how about sex seeing as we've known each other for over a year?''. He said ''just say what you want, it doesn't necessarily mean you're going to get it though'' (and this is a man who claims to live by the Buddhist philosophy (but a meat eater all the same).
He meditates on a skull replica each night, and takes it everywhere with him. The only thing he left me with is the ability to roar with laughter at this person, and to think he's close to qualifying as a psychologist and wants to specialise in trauma victims. Well he certainly created one more trauma in me for a short while until I was rescued by a couple of good friends who shared a good laught with me.
My advise is that whatever you decide you will not be the same person - you will change and I think it's about time someone else was unhappy besides you. His ''happy'' is your pain, and if you are going to hurt anyway, then hurt and gain by it by getting rid of the pain causer. These jerks are full of answers like blaming the victim - after all it could never be their fault they act so cruelly could it. They wear the armour of excuses - so many to choose from, but as long as they don't tickle your ears as the person you change into sees these messages as motivated by the opposite of care that's for sure, and if you don't want this type of behaviour for anyone you love, or a future daughter then remove this nastiness from your life. You wouldn't treat anyone you think of as special like that would you? If the answer is no, then don't wear it, and listen to your inner voice of common sense. It's hard because we are caring people, but we cannot afford to allow our sanity to be their play thing as that's just insane, and if that's what they are, then bye bye. His thrill may be playing games, so he he needs a prey just like a cat.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2007): To the girl who talks about her guy in the Czech republic. Trust me when I say this, I have just been through a similar situation with a Czech guy. He is seeing someone else. But he is most likely an opportunist and feels if he can benefit from you somehow he will. I know this sounds cruel but do not have any illusions about him. My x was the most incredible nicest guy I had ever been with. And then he disappeared without a trace. If I hadn't actually gone back to the Czech Republic to find out what had happend I would never have known what kind of truly disgusting person he was. Don't put yourself through it, realize he is a fake and a liar and move on. Trust me, czech men are not to get involved with.
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A
female
reader, fairhalflin  +, writes (8 January 2007):
 what is it really that you want out of this?
you still have feelings for him?
ask yourself whether you're happy when he's breaking your heart...
no man is worth your thoughts...
nothing will be the same when you guys get back together.
but if you do...keep your guard up and dont let him hurt you again...if he does...punch him in the head.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2007): Hi, I don't want to discourage you from this relationship, after all I am sitting at a computer and I really know nothing more than what you are telling me with your frustrations....all I can tell you is I know how hard it is to find that love feeling, and just recently I found it with a guy and he did not want me after I related to him a deal breaking issue, he wants kids, I don't, he is much much younger than I am and that is why, we are at different stages in our lives, I think he was crazy abou me, but I could not offer him what he truly wanted and now he is engaged to a girl his own age and I think she is much more difficult for him to get along with, but he wants to love her, seems to love her, she has a firmer body and wants kids someday....I have my doubts as to whether or not their relationship will last, but I have to let him go to make his own mistakes, he has decided he doesn't want me, it hurts like hell, I don't currently have anyone else, but someday I know I will....
So considering the way life goes, how hard do you want to make this work....it is extremely rare for relationships that are long distance to last, it is hard enough to make them work when you are 5 minutes away by car.....that is all I am saying, don't fret, just decide how big of a gesture do you need to make to get things going, and if you suceed, is that what you really want to have?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Rhythm and Blues..
Thanks so much for taking the time to reply again.
In answer to your questions....what still attracts me to him? Well, I guess the strong emotional feeling that I have whenever I am with him. The total "in love" feeling. And the deep mental connection we shared. When in his company, we are like two peas in a pod. I can't explain it, but it was definitely two-way. Plus I respected his intelligence (hard to comprehend, given what I've told you, but he has an ambitious mind). I guess what I've found hard to deal with is the fact that one minute we were loved up....and then he just cut me off. I've had no closure and he and I still feel like unfinished business because I've never really talked to him about it all.
Have only had this all-consuming love feeling once before and I know its rare to find. Plus, I know how he was before he started messing me around - he was so devoted. I just don't know whether he has issues that he's needed to deal with. I guess I'm still hoping he will come round and see sense in me!
And when you love someone, its so easy to gloss over their many faults....whilst exagerrating the good points.
But I know you are right. At the end of the day, he is being so whimsical with me. I don't believe he is dating someone else (maybe lots of women casually) as why bother to be texting me repeatedly so close to midnight on New Year's Eve and Christmas Eve and Day, even though I sent no replies back? Maybe I'm being naive here. It's just that I hear so many stories of men who turn around their behaviour once they realise what they have lost.
He is still living in Czech Rep and I in UK...although I go out there as often as I want for work. But still about 4 hours travelling away from each other. However, he did tell me he wanted to meet with me - would have travelled to see me - he just didn't commit to this! That's why I got cross and told him where to go.
Maybe it is time for me to cut him loose. I guess I'm still very hurt over the way he has turned out....he started off being mature and considerate to me! We were friends for 3 months whilst he pursued me, before any relationship started. I just find it difficult to get over men I have loved....especially when it's so difficult to find that "love" feeling.
And as to the diabetic thing - well I know all about the condition - am medically qualified, and I am the type of person to care. I would have coped.
But at the end of the day, you are right in saying that he's not giving me enough. Guess I need to just become stronger. I know I have these insecurities - and men like him don't help them!
Thanks again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2007): Well it seems you really really like this guy and you want to put up with his wishy washy behavior...first off, why do you like him so much? Can you write down a list of traits that make up his character? Better yet, write down a list of character traits that you are looking for in a man, think about all of the boyfriends that you have had and name the things about them that made you light up, and you will have your 100% man....ok, problem is there is no 100% man, but if you can find that 80% man, then that is what you are looking for.
It seems that this guy is bad about returning phone calls and it really makes you mad (I don't like it either) so instead of telling him you never want to see him again, tell him how much you hate it when people don't return your calls and if he expects to maintain a friendship with you, then he needs to call you back...if he doesn't then I guess you have your answer.
Texting you at Christmas and New Year is a way of keeping you on the string I think, is he dating someone else? Do you think he would have asked you out had you not told him where to go when he did not call.
He may feel a bit pressured now that you are actually here in the country (how close are you, same city at least?) and just trying to play things cool for now...
I guess the main thing to ask yourself, do you really want what you think you want, him? Because life with a diabetic is not easy and it affects male performance and all of that, and he sounds a bit elusive to me and that maybe he will continue to put you last...
You are such a young woman, and he is younger yet, maybe he just wants to be free....maybe you might want to forget him and see what more exciting less elusive men are out there to date, then you might wonder, what was I thinking...the path of love is probably never smooth, but it shouldn't be this hard....in my opinion.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello and thanks to the responses.
Rhythm and Blues - you may remember me, but this is the same guy who fell ill last year with Type 1 diabetes....and then moved back to his country to be with his family.
He cut me off for 6 months (till Sept 2006), and when we did start to speak again, he told me that he couldn't handle seeing me cos he cared too much...and couldn't face ending it!
But then he came to visit me in the UK in Oct 2006.......and it felt like all the love was still there...even though I was very guarded with him.
And then I got a job in his country - we agreed to meet. But he blew me out...just started ignoring my call again....which is why I then told him to leave me alone...period!
I was doing fine and getting on with my life without him, until I got these texts from him over Xmas and New Year. I still love him, but I don't want to be a fool for him.
Because his situation is complicated, I'm not sure what to do. I don't want him to hurt me...but at the same time I know men take their time in making decisions and are not the best communicators. Don't know whether to just be friendly so he will visit me, so that we can talk about things...if there was a chance we could be together, I would still want to try.
I'm 32 and he is 28 years old.
Would appreciate your advice!
Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, H Francis +, writes (6 January 2007):
Wake up girlfriend. The guy is playing games. Unless you like to play games too there is no reason why you should entertain him. If you are good at the game why not play it and then dont return his calls for a month and see how he feels. He'll come running or he'll get the message that you are not to be messed with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2007): There is not really enough information here to help you, like I don't know your ages, which might give me some insight, and I don't know how long it was that he ignored your calls, this day and age people are quite busy and we expect to get texts instantaneously and our burgers in 2 minutes so patience is out the window.
One simple rule about human beings is that past behavior really does predict future behavior and I would bet your fellow is the disappearing type...that said it seems to be a current trend for people to treat each other that way in relationships that are troubled, just walk away, no explanation required and don't look back.
Sometimes people do return to us, but when they do that is your cue to take your power back and to set some boundaries as to what your terms are for accepting them back into your life, like stop ignoring my calls, call me back within 24 hours unless you are dead, or call me by Wed for date on Friday, or I need to be in an exclusive relationship with you before I will have sex with you again....you are the leading lady in your life, so if you want him back to explore your feelings for him, then only you can decided if you are willing to risk that and on what terms....all guys are players by the way, until the find the right one and reach a certain level of maturity...he may just be a boyfrieind, a mere blip on the radar of your life and that is OK.
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