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female
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*ternity
writes: I need your help!! Just dont know what to do anymore!!I have been with my husband for 9yrs of marriage. I have three step children from his first marriage and two of my own children aged 8years and 5 years.It all started when I had my first child - which wasnt easy as I had an emergency section and afterwards it took great deal for me to become sexually active and feel safe which inturn my husband had an affair. I decided to give my husband a second chance for the sake of his own children and my first child. I didnt want his children to see another breakdown of marriage and he promised me it would never happen again and I somehow believed him. As time went on it became easier to forgive him and life started to get better!!But last yaer March 2005 I descovered he had been talking to another female for about two years! (thats what he said - talking!) One night I caught him saying that he loved her when we came back from a night out and he said that I was confused even though I grab the phone from him and spoke to the other woman who I ask her who she was, only to get the reply "ask him!" (this was abouth six months before march)Second time I caught him again (Valentine Night he wanted to stay up and watch the telly) well I over heard him on the phone talking to some one where I listen to the conversation and I swear blind he said "I love you too" - I didnt do anything as I wanted to find out as much information as I could! So I started to look at his phone to see who he was ringing only to find the calls were deleted. I got hold of the phone bills - got the number and noticed he was phoning the same number all the time = so I looked at his phone, to find the number was against a mans name - this was odd! I then actually paid someone to trace the phone number who I found out it belonged to a female, having her house number and where she lived etc. I confronted him - he said it was nothing just a friend but I couldnt believe him! Why all the lies - why tell her you love her - valentines card that turn up saying "love from Guess Who!"I didnt believe him so I sent him packing for a few days to sort my head out! but he came back every day begging me to take him back saying he would never do anything like that again, he would never phone her, that I was only the woman for him and he loved me with all his heart!! - I agreed to take him back on the understanding that he would not contact this so-called friend again! I did give him the chance for me to meet her to get things sorted as if it was a friend than yes maybe he needed another person to talk to etc but he didnt want that.Last week we went on holiday and we had an argument and things didnt feel right. Once we got home I check the bill to find he had been using his mobile during the holiday.On holidays I check his mobile to see if he had made any calls but no call were registed on the phone.so it was obivious he deleted his calls but why? One number stood out as he phoned it late in the night and just 20mins before we were boarding the aeroplane. I looked at the bills more closely and came across the phone number lots of times in the day and night over the last couple of months well actually since last september 2005. So i decided to check his mobile only to find out it was against the same mans name as last time. i couldnt believe it! I look at the bills in more detail to discover that he had phoned her house number! I confronted him again - he said the mobile name was a guy in work, but I cant believe that as he phoned the number while he was in work! - afterwards I tried to phone the number but no answer, so I got him to phone it no answer - well if it was a bloke then why aint he now answering the phone. After questioning him. he eventually admitted to phoning the house but says it was nothing he was stupid and he was drunk but that was a lie as he phoned her at home at 8am in the morning back in september 2005- but he still reckons nothing has ever gone on between them etc - that she is only a friend!! Is it just me - could she be a friend! But why all the secrecy? The phone calls started back last year in september - but that only the calls I know about as he has a works phone where I dont see the bills!Oh! I dont know what to do?" Could he be telling the truth!!! We have had problems in the pass with family etc i.e he went bankrupt three years ago plus we have had problems with his youngest daughter from his first marriage! But why lie to me? I myself have had to cope!! With All the problems! Could it be a friend? I dont know what to think? all I know is that I dont trust him - can a marrige that has had so much deceit - work? At the moment I cant handle him touching me - but he wants me to forgive him and he says that he will never hurt me again! Do I give him another chance as we have been through so much!! I just feel that he still aint being honest with me! Why all the lies?Please help what do I do? Can a relationship get through this again?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2006): He has demonstrated time after time after time that he is not to be trusted. Lies, lies and more lies.
EITHER he needs to agree to joint counselling with you IF he wants to remain married - and if he says he is willing to go to counselling with you, give him no more than one week to make the appointment and GO. If he prevaricates, keeps putting it off, making one excuse after another, and/or if he does go with you, you'll have to see what he has to say for himself while in the session.
If he will not get into therapy to work on your marriage and agree to give up this "friend" you should think seriously about separation and divorce proceedings. If you do decide on divorce, please remember you are entitled to child support!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2006): Want to go meet that 'friend' of his?
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A
female
reader, eternity +, writes (15 June 2006):
eternity is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your help - but does anyone out there actually think that nothing had gone on between them? Thanks for your support!!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2006): No it can't, not without the truth. Your husband is lying. He's trapped and addicted to whatever this 'friend' gives him. You need to decide on some very firm behaviour boundaries and he needs to get some counselling to help him work out why he screws up his relationships. Don't just forgive him and continue looking over your shoulder.Help him stop his behaviour now. he is accountable for the pain and worry he is causing you. and he is responsible for the children in his life.Don't accept any more lies, he will not finish with this woman until he has come out of the dreadful fog he is in and I truly believe he will need some help to do this. He will only break his addiction to her and start being honest with you once the whole truth is known.You are at the bottom of a great hill. Good luck with the climb, women are so strong.....
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A
female
reader, carebear  +, writes (14 June 2006):
 this is very sim to what happened to me (a friend i love you bla bla) well i confronted HER she said she was a friend as well (LIAR) you have got to take the bull by the horns here cause your hubby is a f..... liar that cannot be trusted. as i said this(barmaid) said she was a friend but when it got down to the nitty oh yes there were just talking for about a yr but it was going further so i got her to my house (she had already been in it) and said to him if you love her LEAVE he didn't she was raging but the bitch had the cheack to call him again to find out what had happened (lol). this is going to drive you MAD you need to get this sorted out through a wobbler go mental but get answers then you can make up your mind about what to do when you finally know the TRUTH. my thoughts are with you as in know how hard this is but for your own sanity do something. i don't know if your marraige will survive mine did not but i wish you well keep me posted if you need support and also let close friend or family member (that you can trust) know what is going on as keeping this all bottled up is not good for you.
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