A
female
age
51-59,
*ls
writes:Anyone else go or going thru where in a committed relationship and boyfriend/husband on the internet(phone) alot not just porn but also make profiles on sex seeking sites (discrete hookups etc).I didn't know he was doing this until a fluke msg came on his phone where he does all his surfing and I saw it. He denied it and said someone else must have signed him up for it he wouldn't. and how he loves me and happy and content with us, that he'll quit. (only because I said something to him) I'm finding out even though open communication, he kept all this to himself for months. He said he did this during his first marriage also, which explains some of her behavior-hurt/angry. When I talked to him about it, I said porn is one thing, but making profiles on those sex seeking sites to me is a form of cheating. He said even though we have a great sex life and variety etc he just likes to do the sites and he loves me and told me not to be insecure. We've been dating a couple years and live together. I see some responses say not to ask partner to stop, because all men do it. I feel like my replacement is one click away and making myself sick inside. No, not a nag or whatever to him, but I feel this is wrong or do others agree it's ok. and just keep going as normal in the relationship. Just need some advice please. If need more input on dynamics etc let me know..thank u
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female
reader, Mandyleija +, writes (30 November 2010):
I am sorry you are going threw this with your boyfriend!! I went threw something very close. I only met one man that agreed with me and no, wasn't my boyfriend. Lol if your husband truley loves you cares and dosnt want to hurt you tell him, or ask him why is he doing this? What if u left and told him to pick which one he wanted, the porn, or u? It dosnt hurt to look at it together if u both want that, but other than that it's his choice. and to put profiles of him up!!! It's a good think I don't know him. That is totally disrespecting your wife or girlfriend!!!! And always leads to more as far as intimite relations online and it will eventually start offline. Mine case was like this, he was planning a date and everything!!! While I took care of my two infants!! Well he got to the bar. And saw her, yea she had a pretty face butt 9 months pregnant this lady was anfriend of mine he never met!! And I knew all Along what she was doing. I never knew till then he had intentions on sleeping with her. And for me that was my last straw.now 18 years later he does the same if not worse but we are divorced and do get along great for the kids. Please don't put up with that crap!!! Stand up for ourselves!!!!!
A
female
reader, gls +, writes (22 November 2010):
gls is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am sorting out my options if he doesn't quit, or chooses not to stop.
I will put a longer answer on later, but he now said some of the emails he receives he didn't sign up for. Even though they come directly to his specific email address.
Anyone ever receive anything from dating-hookups.com or amateur match.com, or horney-hookups? without filling out something on their site?
I know what he's doing is wrong, but when you love someone-you really don't want to believe they would do this or keep doing this, or believe that flags were ignored.
The end result of my happiness or keeping a "happy"mask on for kids and others around is a big decision.
If I were to blame, I would take the blame or make changes, frustrating.
Also, he says other people may have made a profile for him to cause issues with us. Which I think is stupid.
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (20 November 2010):
 I understand you are reluctant to give up on him so easily because you share 5 children with him. But if he is not willing to make drastic changes, you MUST find the strength to move on.
Now that you have told him that he needs to stop seeking relationships with other women via the internet… What has changed??? Anything? I suspect he is still up to his old ways. This man is making your life MISERABLE! Why would you ever settle for this? Your children will pick up on the tension and arguments between you and their father. This is not good for their emotional well-being.
Your partner has been doing this since his first marriage, so I doubt he will stop. If he had been extremely remorseful and guilt ridden when you confronted him about the sex site, I would say that there is a good chance he will quit. Instead, he told you that you should stop being so insecure. Notice how he deflected the blame?
What kind of work does he do? There are only a handful of professions that would call an employee to work at 11 pm at night! This is very suspicious. How long have you two been together? Are you two married?
If my husband did what your husband is doing… I would NOT put up with it. There is no reason in this world that a person should settle for this type of emotional abuse. He has joined sex sites looking for discrete sex. The writing is on the wall... he is looking for discrete sex! If you choose to ignore it… you are only setting yourself up for continued heartache. He has already stripped you of your self esteem.
You have every right to police his phone and computer now. I doubt he will let it happen though… because he’s almost certainly still up to no good. If he had nothing to hide… why would he have a problem with it?
Realistically, what do you think you will end up doing if you find out he is still talking to other women? Keep us updated!
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A
female
reader, gls +, writes (20 November 2010):
gls is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the responses, sometimes you just need to hear/read from others what you know in your heart.
I did try to talk again to him and he said that- I just don't trust him and am disappointed etc. so, he said, why shouldn't he do it. I already think he is still doing it.
Because he has been unable to part with his i-phone 24/7, even takes in the bathroom because he said he's reading his online book.
If I ask to see his phone he get's defensive and tells me I need to stop being insecure. So, I end up dropping the topic. Because I feel I am becoming insecure, not trusting when he says he's going into work when called in at 11pm, or not believing really anything anymore.
He said he stopped and told me that's should be good enough. Yet all I think about now is what is really happening. I have went from confident, outgoing, burst of energy fun- to over time now, I feel empty.
Yet, others say I need to go back to us having sex 3-5 times a week and that will help. We still have a variety of sex and he says he's happy/content...but I feel like I'm just the warm body and a click away from being replaced. When I'm supposed to be putting my all into making our sex life more inimate and desirable.
We have 5 kids and I feel I have to work this out for their sake. No, he won't go to counseling...
Just trying to figure out why I ignored the cues in the beginning when he'd make comments about others breasts etc..and say, but he'd settle for mine. I think I missed the flags..
Do people really change from this behavior? Do I have a right to "police" things as in check phone etc.. If this had happened years ago before in so deep, I'd of said yes and been gone. Just lost right now...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010): Hi. Dont confuse watching pornography with signing up to meet women for sex. The two things are very different. Many men now watch pornography and some say its fine and you shouldnt worry about it. Others will tell you its wrong and he shouldnt be doing it if he realy loves and desires you.
But no one would tell you its normal to sign up to sex sites...because it isnt. He shouldnt be doing that at all. Have a chat with his ex wife and find out how bad his problem is. If he was doing it for years and meeting women while he was married. Then he may still be doing it and cheating on you too x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2010): I myself went through hell because i went on these sites,although we was seperated at the times i went there to flirt,chat and laugh,he constantly accused me of going there when i asked him why was he there his excuse was searching for me never did i believe him as he was the one who would never commit fully,im glad he dumped me because im so much happier and my new guy is far from being insecure and wants us to be happy together
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (19 November 2010):
Oh no! This is not good. NOT all men do this… only the ones who want to cheat! This is completely different than just looking at porn.
If he has joined sex sites for discrete sex… then it’s pretty obvious he is looking for discrete sex! SERIOUSLY… why else would he create a profile! He is looking for other women to have sex chats with, exchange pics, and hopefully meet up. If you don’t consider that cheating… then you need to WAKE UP! Tell him, this is absolutely unacceptable! Let him know that if you find him doing this again in the future… you will leave him… no questions asked. You do not deserve to be treated like this. Can you imagine what he would think if the roles were reversed, and he caught you creating profiles on sex sites? Oh… and don’t think this type of behavior is confined solely to sex sites (plenty of this behavior can be found on MS and FB).
Now that you have discovered what he has been hiding… he will try to rationalize it, and make you think it is harmless. The mere fact that he was “hiding” his activities… indicates he KNOWS what he is doing is wrong.
Does he get online daily to chat with other woman… and is he texting them too? If he has been doing this since his first marriage... then it is very unlikely he will quit, unless he seeks counseling. Personally, I would NOT stay with this guy unless he agreed to couples counseling, so he can deal with his issues, while working on your relationship.
Please let us know what happens. Stay strong! :)
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A
female
reader, MsVick +, writes (19 November 2010):
 I went through this with a guy who I had been with for 7 years. It is internet sex addiction and like any other addiction they will do whatever they have to to get it. Eventually he will meet someone and either have an online affair or move it into reality.
The only way for him to stop is for him to WANT to stop. No amount of begging and pleading or threatening will make him stop. He may promise to, but you can bet he will be back on the net in no time flat. Counseling is what he needs and if he refuses, then that means his addiction means more to him then you do.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2010): Not all men do it. How would he like you to do it? Tell him not to feel insecure but after seeing how addictive it is,then you will register for them too. You just want to see what it is people enjoy about them. He is cheating on you,and what do people normally do on these sites? I have been through this like you,and after over 4 years of it,can only believe she was addicted and probably is still on them now. At least he has`nt lied 100 o/o to you,although that still does`nt make it right. It will eventually make you paranoid and miserable.It will wear you down and you may end up leaving him anyway. If he loved you then he would`nt show so much disrespect to you and your feelings.
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