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female
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*arli
writes: I have been with my boyfriend for 6 months now and up until lately things have been fantastic, the problem is he keeps letting me down with our plans for a night out with his mates. We make arrangements then as soon as he gets a sniff of the pub he would rather go on a night out. he will then ring me the next day to appologise, this has now happend 5 times and we split up a few days ago as i was feeling neglected and dont deserve to be let down. now his hangover has gone hes realised he was wrong and wants to sort things out. But i dont think i can. I have always been let down or cheated on in past relationships which he knows of and swore i would never let it happen again ! But it seems it has.I dont want to loose him but i cant be a door mat for when hes not with his mates. his last night out he used the money he had been saving to take me away for my birthday next week and the time before that he bought a watch with the money he was supposed to use for us to go away for a valentines weekend. I dont know what to do and i dont think im being selfish............i need some advice
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female
reader, karli +, writes (28 March 2006):
karli is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk i wrote in yesterday about my boyfriend always putting his friends before me and our plans. now i have another problem.we spoke on the phone last night (he rang me by the way, i never gave in) and he was so appologetic and swearing he will never do this again and i mean too much to him, he went on like that for a while, i still never gave into him but wouldnt say i was too hostile either. Now though i havnt heard from him!! he was supposed to call me today and ....nothing !!! He doesnt seem to be trying maybe it was because i spoke to him he thinks things might be ok....why are men so confusing????? Can anyone seriously answer that question??
Im starting to think he really isnt worth it, i just dont understand coz he was so upset on the phone feeling depressed.....Im confussed now....I need more advice...
A
female
reader, Sexybum  +, writes (28 March 2006):
 Glad to be of service x
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A
female
reader, karli +, writes (28 March 2006):
karli is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanx for all your replies. Each one of you have helped me in a different way with your different answers.
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female
reader, bodylotion +, writes (27 March 2006):
 Of course your not being selfish.He his the one who is being selfish.Spending his savings when he has promised to take you out and arranging dates with you ,but as soon as his mates call he is gone as quick as a flash.You have given him enough chances and i think you should move on. This man isn't worth it.His is wants a doormat and thats what you were being.Go out and let your hair down and spend time with your freinds.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2006): No, you aren't being selfish at all. but pleeease...don't allow your feelings of insecurity of what happened in prior relationships to spill out into this relationship. Put all those feelings aside and think this through rationally.
You do have a viable complaint about your bf. But usually, as intimacy increases, a couple will and does bind closer together, leaving their other friendships, to take a secondary spot in their lives. Quite often, they do make each other their best friend and this is okay, too. While I do think couple need their outside friends (that's a given) I do think, it's the 'amount' of time spent with those other secondary friends that creates the problem.
Please remember, though...outside friendships are in fact, healthy. Where each partner is a self-functioning, individual; where both members of the duo are independent people, not dependant on each other. When a couple truly love and trust one another, they allow each other to live their own lives because they know that won’t compromise the relationship. It's just finding that healthy compromise, that is the tricky part. This is what is occurring with you both. You feel your bf is spending 'too' much time with his friends..you're feeling neglected. Five times in 6 months is not so bad. What I find wrong about this, is he's originally making plans with you, then leaving you high and dry. That's wrong. But that's not to say he can't start making positive changes. Try boning up on your communication and negotiation skills. Come to a resolve with him or what you and he find acceptable and won't compromise your relationship. Let him know you understand he needs time with the friends. But have it pre-planned, so you know what night he's doing it. Basically it comes down to respect for you, on his part. Maybe on those nights he is with the friends, you need to do the same...go out with your friends. Just realize that the mark of maturity in a good relationship is when, in the midst of your romantic relationship, you can happily maintain your friendships and family relationships, too. So sit him down and talk about what you'll both tolerate and not tolerate in this relationship. It will bring you closer. And negotiating with him, will help make you both stronger, more self-sufficient people. This way you both can have a loving, balanced relationship while allowing you both to continue cultivating your friendships and outside interests.
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A
female
reader, Sexybum +, writes (27 March 2006):
I don't think you are being selfish at all. The thing is with relationships when you firast get together you only see each other through rose tinted specatcles. Soon after the honey moon period where's off you start to see their true colours, whether they be good or bad. The guy that you saw through your rose tinted spectacles is the guy that you don't want to loose. The guy that he really is, is the one who lets you down and breaks promises.
Sure now his hangover has worn off he's sorry and wants to make it up to you, and if you take him back with open arms, then next time, and there will be a next time, he will do exactly the same thing. When the hangover wears off, he wants every thing to go back to normal, without even considerring that he might have just hurt your feelings and put a big dent in the faith that you have in him.
You should have your guard up and don't allow him to win you over easily. Tell him where his faults are, hint that you would talk to him over dinner and then leave it there. If he then takes you out for dinner and devotes his weekend to you, then he could genuine. But rmember men love the chase. If you make it easy for him, he will not learn by his ways and will treat you like a doormat. You already know this as you stated it in your letter.
Just see if he still makes the effort to make it up to you when you make it a little harder for him. If he does then good luck and I hope he starts treating you properly. If he doesn't then you know he just likes things his way... If he doesn't than that would prove he's not the type of man you really want. I don't mean that in a nasty way....... Some women like to be with men who go to the pub with their mates. Some women hate going to dinner with men, some women like it. You are one of those women who like, as am I , therefore a suitable boyfriend would like it too, and make the effort to take you out.
I hope this has been helpful, Sexybum x
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