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female
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writes: His passion for me is not there anymore. I just heard this today.I don't know what to do. I am loosing my best friend. We have been married for 7 years. We are so alike, yet different. We have the same morrals, values, and we talk and listen to each other always there is just one problem. 5 years ago he was ready to have a child. I wasn't I wanted to travel more and see things before my life was over becasue my mom died at the age of 37 from breast cancer and she told me to do what I had to do first. So I did that and 2 years went by. Then I was ready to have a child and he wasn't. We hear it from everyone of when we are going to have a child of our own. We have sex about once a month and sometimes he can ejaculate and sometimes not. He has always been like that all his life. The pressure is getting to him and now he has lost all passion for me. What do I do about this wonderful man of mine because I do love him and he does love me. He try's every herb there is to get passion and it is not working. Help me what do I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2005): Something is very wrong here. This is a young man who has no real interest in his (clearly very willing) wife. He only wants to make love once a month-likely, despite your efforts to excite him. There are several possibilities in his case. He may have physical problems. He may have psychological problems It seems from your letter he is just one of those guys who were born with a very low sex drive. Another possibility is that he may be very overworked or under enormous stress-either work related or other. This sort of thing diminishes libido-as does tiredness. To be sure, you could also suggest he sees a doctor just to check that he is physically OK. But if he is someone with a low sex drive, he may resist any intervention and may indeed believe that there is nothing wrong.
If this is the case, it's going to be tough for you. Such relationships do not tend to improve I'm afraid. That is to say, if a guy doesn't exhibit much libido early on, it's unlikely he will do so after years together. So, you have to decide whether you can go through life with this amount of sex. Much depends on what the rest of the relationship is like. I have to say that a lifetime is a long time to be with someone who wants considerably less sex than you do. Lots to think about. Maybe see if you both can get some couple counseling...that may help you both.
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (5 August 2005):
 It does sound as if passion was never high on the list in your marriage in the first place and it also seems to me that he may have some psychosexual problems that urgently need dealing with.
I would suggest couples counselling, focusing mostly on the sexual side of your relationship.
As you say he has been like this most of his life, it seems unlikely that it is due to problems in your relationship that have triggered off a low sex drive. There could be a link to the children issue but I think it runs deeper than that.
The pressure needs to be eased off him but Im sure you have already told him how much you love and care for him. Always reassure him and let him know how you feel. Keep the communication channels open.
Make an appointment to see a counsellor. You don't have to lose your best friend. It seems there could be a psychological reason for his lack of passion but it is also best to get him checked out at a surgery to eliminate any physical reasons.
Hang on to your love for each other and don't give up hope.
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female
reader, starrybutterfly +, writes (5 August 2005):
Perhaps you should try something a little kinkier-some kind of sex toys, or some porn to get him in the mood.
Your husband is probably feeling insecure right now-reassure him you love him, and don't focus on sex all the time. Talk about your interests, spend time with each other, recapture your closeness before even attempting to be physical again.
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female
reader, Mom_forever +, writes (5 August 2005):
I think you need to take the stress off of him. When your in the mood just love each other and do whatever feels right don't have in your mind we are having sex for a baby. Remember there are alot of other people out there just like you.
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