A
female
age
30-35,
*arie23
writes:Hello aunts,I'm having a dilemma with my current boyfriend. We have been dating for a little over a month now and we really enjoy each-other and fell in love and love spending time together when we can. We are almost one person and I've had previous relationships for years where I have never felt this way with another person. Our first kiss was out of this world. Recently things have gotten sour, he's a very jealous person and it stems from his insecurities in my opinion but when he is angry he gets really mean and kind of evil with the things he says. I'm 24 he's 31, I've had 2 serious relationships and the rest have been fwb's over 5 years. I have slept with ten guys including my boyfriend now. He sees that as slutty, not in numbers but in the fact I was with the same guys constantly for months and was being used and abused. Now of course I wasn't happy about it but It happened and I saw that I needed to kiss some frogs to find my prince, he sees it as I didn't care about myself and I'm proud of my past. We fight about this every other day because something triggers it. He's told me he gets so angry because he cares and loves me so much he cant imagine someone treating me like they did but then he says some really hurtful things. And after all that once he cools off he apologizes and says sorry and feels bad and I know he does but he just can't seem to let the past go. It's my past not his. And he was nowhere near an angel in his past, he's done some worse things but I choose to ignore it and say that was his past and he's different now. Why can't he do that? Why is it so hard for him to let go and see the now rather than the past? How can I help him move on from this? He's a great guy an I truly love him but he is letting this jealousy thing get out of hand.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2014): I don't know if you expected such a tirade of abusive terms about the guy you love, but if as you say he really does have a past to match yours then I agree that the double standard thing makes him a super hypocrite and probably someone you should run from.
Are you sure his past is as he says? I remember my second love and being totally stunned at her sexual past and making up a past to match hers. I felt the same wrenching anger over loving someone who had been other guys cheap ONS, but mostly I felt cheated that what I thought was a great expression of love was not the same for us both. You may have "spoiled" the meaning of sex for him for ever, but maybe you have helped him grow up a bit and realise the reality of life. Either way, unless you are hopelessly in love, it would be easier to walk away than try to fix this. And next time keep your past where it belongs, in the past.
A
female
reader, Marie23 +, writes (10 May 2014):
Marie23 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the posts everyone, over the last day I have thought about a lot of things and sadly he hasn't shown improvement, he hasn't been mean or said hurtful things he has just stopped being affectionate and I confronted him and his answer was very clear he can't get over my past. I tried to help him and let him see the past is the past but it's his inner demons and problems and I can only help so much before I start hurting. Thank you again for the comments.
OP
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2014): I agree with most of what everyone else is saying about leaving him.
I disagree with everyone else about one thing: Your BF is not insecure.
Insecure means he would be comfortable with what you did if it didn't make him feel threatened. That isn't what is going on here. He isn't threatened, he is just turned off by it. Its not his image of what his deal woman would be like. Its hurting his feelings for you.
So he acts in this very abusive way. That is wrong, he probably won't get better, and you should leave him.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (10 May 2014):
 Oh the irony. He cares about you and loves you so much that he can't face the thought of people treating you badly, so HE treats you badly.
The link Cerberus gave is very good, I read it before. I advise you to read it thoroughly.
You shouldn't be so entrenched with this guy after a month. It isn't healthy. If things hadn't progressed at this fast rate, you'd be able to see this situation as we see it, and you'd want to get out.
You're not ready to leave though so why not try this: Next time he gets angry, point out he's treating you as badly as the other guys, tell him he's hurting you just as badly.
Stand up for yourself. Look after yourself. And regardless of his behaviour, slow it right down. Find yourself again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2014): In my last relationship, I struggled with retroactive jealousy for an entire year (the roles were reversed in my case, my ex had slept with 4 women before me but I was a virgin when we met).The other posters here gave you great advice; mainly, to get out now because it won't go away.But there is one thing that I don't think was answered:"Why is it so hard for him to let go and see the now rather than the past?"The answer here is INSECURITY. I am 100% certain of it.My ex-BF had the benefit of knowing he was the best partner I'd ever had, because he was the ONLY partner I'd ever had.I, on the other hand, fretted a lot over it. What if his exes gave better blowjobs? What if he liked their boobs better than mine? Etc, etc, the list can go on for ever. And that's how he feels. The more men you've slept with, the more likely it is that you've been with a man who's better, bigger, etc. You haven't done anything wrong OP, he just needs to work past his insecurity, and it might take a really long time.As an aside, I was very emotionally abused/neglected as child (my mother's bipolar/schizophrenic and my father had a bad temper). It may not seem like this matters, but it does, and it has certainly affected my self-esteem and all of my relationships.Even if you leave your BF, I hope he sees a counselor because he really needs to get over this.And finally, a couple pieces of advice in case you stay together:1. Don't talk about your exes. Ever. It's just not worth it.2. DON'T answer any questions he asks. There is no correct answer.(Example: If he says, "Was _____ good in bed?" and you say "No, he was awful", then he'll worry that HE'S awful. If you say your ex was good in bed, that's just as bad, for obvious reasons.)So if he asks you questions, say something like "I don't want to talk about this because I know it won't do anything to strengthen our relationship."Because if he's asking questions like that, he's asking questions that he really does NOT want the answers to.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (10 May 2014):
 Only a month in and this behaviour is already a pattern? Wow. That's pretty bad. It appears your days of kissing frogs isn't over because this guy is no prince.
OP, there are number of reasons why some men take issue with a woman's past. The most common ones are disgust. If a man has made clean, healthy choices some will be less than thrilled to discover the women of their dreams haven't done the same.
Then there is envy with a halo. They pretend to be outraged by what they claim is immoral behaviour but really they just regret that they were too shy or scared to do all those exciting things when they had the chance (or angry that they never had the chance).
And another is the power to compare, which is the category I think your guy falls under. He doesn't want a level playing field. He wants you to be less experienced so he doesn't have to worry if you've had better AND so you'll always wonder if he has and you'll go that extra mile to outshine his past lovers.
Personally I think you should give this one the flick, but I think you're too infatuated with him and believing this is all a reflection of how much he loves you is a huge ego stroke for you.
OP, please understand this is NOT a reflection of how much he loves you, but of how unconcerned he is with impressing you. And the fact that you stick around to be abused like this speaks volumes about the kind of person you are.
If you insist on staying with him then you have to change before he can. The best way to deal with 'trust issues' or insecurities' is to treat them as though they don't exist. You hold your boyfriend to the same standard as everyone else. If he behaves badly, you end the call or go home. No drama, no crying or carrying on. No reassurances, and no explanations. Just withdraw yourself from his company. Eventually, if he wants you badly enough, he'll learn that if he wants the pleasure and the privilege of your company he'll have to earn it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2014): Nobody is answering your questions. He will NEVER get over your past. In my experience, men especially cannot handle the fact that girls have lives, too. We all have a past which may or may not define who we are today. I've done some pretty dumb things even 2 years ago that I wouldn't dare go around doing today. I don't ask or really care about my partner's past. I care how he treats ME. He, however, recently discovered something about my past that has left him reeling. Idk if he'll ever get over it. Something about picturing their girl with another man, or, heaven forbid, their girl actually having sex just for sex sake, is really difficult for them to swallow. You cannot help him get over it. You have to deal with what you have or walk away. He will NEVER get over it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2014): Okay I somehow missed the "one month" part. Holy shit, Marie are you serious?
You were basically only with this guy a couple of weeks before he got vicious?
You're fucked. Honestly wait until 6 months in, I'll be very surprised if you aren't telling your relatives "I fell" "I'm just clumsy I bumped my eye into the corner of a door".
Run, woman, as far away as you can and as soon as you can.
You know what? Talk to your mother, grandmother or an aunt about this and see what they say. I wouldn't talk to a male relative because if they're anything like me it won't end well for you "boyfriend" of a month, the love of your life for one month. Mr. Mean and Evil would be the one telling people "I fell".
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2014): He's not a great guy, he's a jealous controlling idiot that has the charm to catch a woman and all the excuses to make you want him back after he's insulted you. Open your eyes and imagine this is one of your closest gf's describing this to you...you'd surely tell her to get out of there before he gets worse. You've not been with him long, there shouldn't be issues like this so soon in a relationship. Take care and don't get stuck with someone who has the ability to put you down :-( x
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2014): The title of this question is all wrong.
It should read: 'My boyfriend is using my past as weapon to emotionally and mentally abuse me, is it time for me to leave?'
Yes it's time to walk.
The guy is an abuser or as this very well put article states a "loser".
http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html
Pay particular attention to the 'quick attachment' 'mean/sweet cycle' 'killing your self-confidence' parts, in fact I'd say he's a lot more of that list than what you've stated here.
OP this guy is possibly the worst boyfriend you've ever had. You say you've been used and abused, well you don't know abuse is if you can't see what this guy is doing and it's not jealousy. This isn't just some cute, normal jealousy getting out of hand. It's a full blown case of abuse.
OP have you ever read stories of women who were being abused for years by their partner and wondered why anyone would stay in a relationship like that? Well read your question and pretend it's someone else and you'll see why they.
You're living in a fantasy world of this guy being perfect in all ways, except for the small fact that he's a nasty bastard every other day to you. You're just another fool to the mean/sweet cycle, because damn, when he's in sweet mode it's like heaven, a buzz as good as heroin and equally as dangerous.
You're fucked, OP, really and truly on your way to being a broken woman because it's going to take you a long time to come back down to earth and see he's not the guy you have yourself convinced he is.
OP he's 31, he has his own past and as you said it has been worse. Do you somehow think he's going to change? Do you think this is just a phase or out of character? Not at all.
OP do yourself a favour and get in contact with one or two of his exs and ask them about him, you know those exs he no doubts blames for hurting him, probably even uses that as an excuse as to why he treats you this way and gets your sympathy vote. Contact them, ask them about his jealousy and how bad it got. You'll hear the same from all them and you know it.
"Why can't he do that?" because that's not the issue. I mean it makes no sense, OP, does it? It makes no sense he'd have just as colourful a past but when it's you it's a bad thing. That's not logical and it's not logical because it's not the real problem here, the problem is he's a jealous, controlling and possessive abuser. I mean he certainly new from the start you'd been with other men right? And it was "fine" then, everything was sweet and perfect during the honeymoon phase when he was trying to impress you. Now that he has you the real him is starting to show and he's a vicious cunt (pardon my language).
OP read that article I linked, read more about abusive relationships and how they go. You will find tonnes and tonnes of very good information online about how things like this start.
And while you may not class him as that because he may never hit you, emotional abuse can be even worse because broken bones can heal the mind can't always.
Nothing about what he's doing is acceptable and you allowing him to do that by thinking it's just a case of "jealousy because he loves you so much" is not at all going to work out well for you.
I love my wife with every fibre of my being, the idea of treating her like this guy treats you sickens me to the core. It's actually an upsetting thought for me and I would never do it.
Is mean and evil what you call love, OP? I don't and if I was ever like that to my wife even once, I'd pack my bags and let her find a guy who can be good to her. That's love, OP. We've had big blow outs, slamming doors, shouting at each other but they're rare as hell and neither of us get mean and evil.
Time to start doing your homework about women in similar situations with similar men, OP, because while I know you won't consider him mean and evil for a long time and after a lot of emotional damage, you will eventually, OP, because mean and evil is part of who this man is and he will never stop treating you this way.
Oh he will stop for a little while when you try to the break up the first time he'll be the sweetest guy in the world again to win you back, but then it'll start all over again.
Basically OP, you're one of those women you read about and you're going to go through years of this with no one understanding why you put up with it.
"We are almost one person" then you, Marie23, are mean, evil and spiteful, because this guy is a grade A asshole and if you're almost the same person then that one person is a dickhead.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 May 2014):
 I know the OP is hoping someone will at least suggest that this is fixable and will get better but sadly it won't.
It's only a month that's not a lot of time and I strongly agree that cutting your losses and moving on is the best thing for you in the long run (yeah it sucks in the short term but it's really the better choice)
the fact that he has a double standard
the fact that it's only a month and you are fighting
the fact that he calls you names (saying you are slutty is calling you names)
you are correct that jealousy is about insecurity. It has NOTHING to do with how much he does or does not love you.
you can't fix his inner demons. only he can.
it's not your place to fix him.
move on now when it w ill be easier. the longer you stay the harder it will be when you are finally fed up with his behavior.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 May 2014):
 You see a EVEIL person after ONLY a month? IMAGINE what kind of person you will see in 2-4 months. TRUST me you have JUST seem the tip of the iceberg in his behavior towards you.
THERE is no excuse for how he treat you. He is upset that others "used and abused you"... but it's OK that he is being a controlling douche?
Wake up honey, this guy has BAD news written ALL over.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 May 2014):
 No no no no no! This man is bad news. He comes off super charming, I am sure, but it's just been a month and the shine is already wearing off. Do not be gullible, do not be fooled. This man is a user and a controller and a manipulator.
Your past is not "slutty" or anything else. It is your past, like you said yourself. It is not up for him to judge. So him doing so is just his way of putting you down. No doubt in my heart, if you had the past of a nun he'd still be coming after you over something or other. Absolutely no doubt. Because thats what these men do. A man who genuinely had a problem with your past and found it troublesome would NOT cause arguments over it, or find that is somehow "comes up" every other day. A man with a genuine problem with your past would not argue about it, put you down over it, name calling etc.
A man with a genuine problem with your past would have left you respectfully, saying that you had too many differences and he was no able to overcome them, but wish you the best of luck in the future.
What this man is doing isn't "having a problem" with your past. What this man is doing is USING your past as his excuse to throw shit at you.
And to think, he's already started this behaviour after only one month. He must be pretty damn convinced that he's got you wrapped around his little finger, because usually they wait at least 6 months before they start the control and abuse. They wait until they've lured you in, and then it starts small, little comments here and there, until it's full blown out trash talking, belittling, isolation etc.
He's already started putting you down, to make you feel small, to make himself powerful in the relationship. To make you hit little doll to throw shit at when he's got a bad day, because you deserve it, because you're so much worse than him, because you're somehow slutty, because other guys treated you bad... so you have it coming. That's how he will formulate it. That's how he will treat you.
I mean come on. Wake up. He treats you bad because he "loves" you so much? You don't believe that shit, do you?
You need to get away from this toxic man as soon as you can. He will only bring you down. No, you can not make him change. This is who he is, and more so, he will get worse every day you stay with him. Do not be fooled by sweet words, this man does not love you, this man does not wish you well, this man does not intent to care for you.
Only one month and LOOK at how he treats you. He has no right. Please, dear you, I beg you for your own sake... get away from this man today.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (9 May 2014):
 Hi, Take time out from the relationship. He needs to figure it out for himself, he accepts you as a package deal or lose you. The only way is if he is faced with the reality of losing you.
If you don't take a break from this relationship the current situation will only get worst and you both will be miserable, which will end eventually. There is no other way to change his mind other that him to face the above reality ie accept you as a package deal (with your past) or lose you.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (9 May 2014):
 Sometimes you just need to know when to walk away. If you are fighting this much after just a month, then you are NOT compatible. The first few months of a relationship are normally the "honeymoon phase" because most people are besotted and on their best behavior. This man is already showing you his bad side? What do you think he will be like in the future? Its HIS problem..not YOURS. We aunts/uncles on DC can only advise you of course, you must make the decision, you I can tell you right now this man's behavior will NOT get better with time. His attitude toward you is terrible. Cut your losses and move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2014): Fighting every other day in the first month is a key indicator that you are incompatible.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (9 May 2014):
 You cant help him move on, the only person who can do that is him, and to be honest, if he is like this after only one month I would be telling you to be very careful of him.
The fact you say he has done worse things but accept they are in his past, but he cant let go of your past suggests this is a man who has one set of rules for him, and a completely different set of rules for you.
If your past is causing him to get angry and for you to be fighting over it every day suggests to me he is not interested in moving past this, but more interested in using what he sees as your 'slutty' past as a means to make you feel guilty and there fore more easy to control and manipulate into a position in the relationship less equal to his.
Its only been a month, and I know you believe you love him, but step back and take off your rose coloured glasses, are you 100% sure you have not stepped from a few frying pans into the fire?
Your love is not reciprocated.
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