A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: A person who doesn't like expectations and commitment in a relationship but tells you he is in love with you and the love is real and pure. Is this love or just playing games?I am in love with a person who tells me this and my relationship with him has been gone to 6 yrs but I feel he is just stringing me along. He speaks more than his actions do.He is a nice person but I feel him very controlling and dominating. Whenever I ask him moving forward to the next level of our relationship, he will leave me and tells me he doesn't like commitment.Yes, he is married but tells me he loves us both. He needs us both and he doesn't want to lose me but he is willing to give up if I want a secured relationship.Does this person really loves me or just using me, selfishness reasons? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2012): The truth is crystal clear. he's married and you're the woman on the side. if he wanted to be with you and commit to you, he would. it's really that simple. just the same as if you were married and seeing him on the side. if you truly loved him and didn't want to lose him, you'd be with him and leave your husband. it seems you're over-analyzing. we, as humans, tend to do that when we want something bad enough. we rationalize people's behavior to fit what we want to believe. when in reality, their behavior is very self-explanatory and on the surface. do yourself a favor. drop this guy. he's not worth it. he's perfectly capable of love and commitment. just not with you.
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (22 July 2012):
 "But I love him" What a crock of sheet! How many times do we see that written on these pages, he bashed me but I love him, he abuses me but I love him, he cheats but I love him ....
You addictive love is infactuation gone wrong. You have few times of happiness, and time is constantly spent on oapologising, feeling guitly, feeling unloved, wanting more.
Your life depends on him, and yet there is insecurity, distrust, lack of respect, lies, the list goes on.
Mature love on the other hand grows gradually, is marked with friendship as well as sexual interest, there is calm, empathy, security, tollerance and a lack of feelings of threat. Mature love/relationships are based in reality and partners are secure in themselves and each other.
The relationship you have with this man is not mature, it is abusive. Stay there if you love him, but be aware he does not love you back!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (22 July 2012):
"But I love him" What a crock of sheet! How many times do we see that written on these pages, he bashed me but I love him, he abuses me but I love him, he cheats but I love him ....
You addictive love is infactuation gone wrong. You have few times of happiness, and time is constantly spent on oapologising, feeling guitly, feeling unloved, wanting more.
Your life depends on him, and yet there is insecurity, distrust, lack of respect, lies, the list goes on.
Mature love on the other hand grows gradually, is marked with friendship as well as sexual interest, there is calm, empathy, security, tollerance and a lack of feelings of threat. Mature love/relationships are based in reality and partners are secure in themselves and each other.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much to everyone. It is a great relief and I come to realize how I disrespected myself just because I wanted to feel the love and affection.
Cerberus you hit me word by word and I thank you for that. It seems like you slap my face to wake up from this situation. No, I will not go back to him any longer, this I can promise you and especially to myself.
Thank you very much.
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A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (22 July 2012):
 Good lawd, girl you are groveling to this man, saying and doing just about anything to get him to agree to what you want!
As others have pointed out, he is MARRIED and he is NOT about to leave his wife for you - why did you ever get involved with a married man in the first place?
He is using you for sex, pure and simple. He has a wife to cook, clean and look after him, and sleep with him and then he has you on the side, someone he feels no sense of loyalty or commitment to.
The hell with trying to "talk carefully" or "nicely" to him for fear of upsetting him!!
Have some self-respect and tell him to get lost! You don't want him to contact you, or come around ever again. You've wasted too much time on this manipulative, selfish person.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (22 July 2012):
 Reading this makes me feel sad. Almost all your paragraphs being with 'he' this and 'he' that. What about you? I can't add to what Cerberus and Bondgirl say (because their advice is excellent) but please ... take some time away from this guy, re-read your post and the replies and try to consider this objectively. If you have a sister/ neice/ best friend, try to think of what you might say to her if she was in this position. You've put up with this for so long that I can't help but think that counselling would help you (i.e. you need it). You're at an age (same as me) where it really doesn't pay to put all your eggs into one shitty basket. You can move on to better things if you choose to. I hope things work out.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (21 July 2012):
 I am not sure how to respond to this as you already know the facts, but I will give it a try.
The man is married. He already has a committment to someone. He may love you, but he is not leaving his wife.
When men cheat on their wives, it is with the idea that the new woman has no expectations. Why? Because that is likely why he is cheating on his wife. He doesn't want expecations, he doesn't want responsibility, and the last thing he wants is to have to be committed to someone else. He wants sex, he wants fun, and he wants you when he wants you waiting with open arms, a smile on your face, and no complaints. That's what a man wants in an affair.
Will he be controlling? Of course. Why? Because he knows that you will put up with anything since you are SEEING A MARRIED MAN. The fact you are seeing a married man makes you open to about anything.
Why would he stay with you if you're giving him ultimatums? He doesn't want ultimatums. He gets that at home. He could dump you and find another girlfriend that won't give him ultimatums and would be happy to sleep with him for another six years before she gets tired of being the other woman.
You have come up with a lot of these ideas yourself, but you need to realize the implications. He may have loved you, but only up until the point you didn't start making demands. Now, you have to look at this as a time in your life that was at once very special, and also very heartbreaking.
I have gone through the pain of an emotional affair and know how devastating it can be, but you need to look at reality. You were a part of this too. You fell for a married man. You knew he was married and you probably knew that he was not going to leave his wife. Remember that you are responsible for your own life, so if you want someone who can committ to you, you do not pick married men.
I wish you the best because I know it is very hard getting over these situations.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2012): All of what you said is irrelevant OP, all of it is complete bullshit. Everything he says is crap and everything you say is the same shit over and over. "Please love me" "I'm leaving until you miss me enough to shut up with this crap" You will never get what you want from him.
OP he owns you and he'll be back, and you'll take him back. How many times has he dumped you then come crawling back when he wants an easy lay? Because that's all you are to him OP. Don't believe me? Then why is it that every time you make it hard for him he runs until you get so scared of losing him or miss him so badly it hurts then he can come back and you're the perfect open legged good girl again.
He will keep doing this to you until you break the cycle but from the sounds of things you're hoping he'll do it. He won't, you're too easy for him, you think you've somehow made demands of him now and stood up for yourself but how many times has this situation happened with you two?
OP until you post here saying that you're the one who dumped him, you cut all contact and completely erased him out of your life then I won't believe for one second that you're not just a lonely woman being used by a guy because she's quite simply not strong enough to tell him to piss off.
Want to know another guys perspective OP? You're nothing but a piece of ass that won't shut up about feelings and all that crap, until he tells you it's over and then waits until you've panicked enough to shut your mouth and open your legs and play girlfriend again I bet he does this using the whole "I can't help myself, I miss you so much" thing too. Basically you're too easy to control and it's far too hard for any guy to respect a girl that can't help herself in that way and doesn't respect herself enough to stand up for herself. Why would he want to love a girl who doesn't have any self-respect?
I mean come on OP, read your latest reply, it really is the sound of a desperate woman feeding from any scrap of emotion he will give you. You talk about all these little details but you're missing the big picture.
He;s using you, you're nothing to him, he will never love you or want to be with you and seeing as you can't let go this is going to go on for as along as he wants because he's the one with the power.
End this now, cut him out of your life for good. Stop looking for answers to questions you know are completely irrelevant and stop letting yourself be played this way. It only stops when you decide it stops.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Auntie Bimbim and thanks Tisha.Yes, I opened up with him quite few times what I was feeling. I told him he made me feel like "he's with me if I come to his terms and leaves if I don't." But because I love him so much I stayed in the relationship hoping I could make difference.I asked him lots of questions such as, what is your purpose why you are with me? What do you want from me? I asked him even that if he wanted sex outside marriage I am not the person who can fulfill his needs but he was very convincing that he made me stay in the relationship. He made me to believe how it feels like to be loved and how good it is to experience honest, real, and pure love. He made me to believe that what we shared was honest and true feelings. He knew my ordeals from my family and my ex-husband. He knew I was seeking for love and affection as he was my sounding board when I was in my emotional downfall. I shared with him everything about my life and how I was hurt by family and emotionally abused by my ex-husband. He was there for me for 6 yrs of my life. Yes, I must admit, I felt his controlling and dominating behavior. But I didn't listen to my instinct feelings.Tisha, you are right, we just recently ended our relationship because he was unable to control me. He got very upset when I told him that if he is seeing someone else, he has choice in his life as our relationship (his rules)is based with NO EXPECTATIONS AND NO COMMITMENT. And he answered me, "Why I am so insecure?" Then, I asked him if I can answer him with a question (he doesn't like to be questioned and I am careful in my phrases by asking a right question as he easily get annoyed if I ask questions) I asked him, "What would you like to do to make me feel secure?" And from that conversation he ended the relationship and told me that was the last straw breaking a camel's back. He further explained that I was asking for commitment and he could not give. So, I was surprised with his response and I was a bit peeved. He explained more that the reasons he wanted to end the relationship because I will be hurt if we will continue because he cannot make commitment, then again tell me, because of what I did by annoying him about my question he ended the relationship to the point of no return.I tried to talk nicely with him but still agreed with his decisions though sometimes I tried to convince him not to end, but the more I asked him not to the more he intend to hurt me...a feeling like he wanted to give me a devastating emotional punishment. Then he would say again, how much he loves me very much and how much he needed me so much and so on. I felt his manipulative behavior. I was out of control and burst my anger and told him I HATE HIM and how he misled and used me for his selfish needs and purpose. That was the end of our conversation yesterday and repeatedly told him how I hate him very much.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (21 July 2012):
 Good grief. I can't imagine how you can fail to see the dymanics, here. A guy who is MARRIED, and has a woman "on the side" (YOU!).... and who is telling you, clearly, that he's not about to change ANY aspect of the Nirvana in which he is living....
YOU can change things in an INSTANT, by telling him that you are NOT going to be his tart any more.... then, stick to your guns...
Simple, no? Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 July 2012):
 He's happy to be with you as long as you are willing to accept his terms. Funny, he says he dislikes commitment, yet he remains married. Now THERE'S an obvious clue he says one thing and acts in another way.
Do you need someone to make a thousand cups of coffee, so you can wake up and smell them all?
He loves you as far as his narcissistic and selfish small heart allows him to... which wouldn't be enough for most people. Why is it that you don't love yourself enough to recognize that?
Good luck, I hope you awaken to the realization that you deserve more than that one day. Maybe it'll be today? Maybe even right now?
You can't change him. You can only change you. And if I were you, I'd change myself right out of his life and into a new, brighter future with more possibilities....
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (21 July 2012):
Six years of your life down the gurgler, how honourable of him to offer to give you up if you prefer something more secure!
He doesn't like you having expectations, he refuses to discuss committment with you, is controlling and dominant.
He doesn't love you, he is stringing you along, if he was against committment he wouldnt have married his wife, to answer your question, yes, he is using you for his own selfish reasons.
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