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female
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anonymous
writes: ive got problems with my relationship - there are trust issues from my boyfriends side and he is now constantly questioning me and checking up on me by ringing my phone sometimes every hour asking the same questions - a month ago things got so bad we argued all the time i was depressed - everyday tells me it was over and the make up with me - last month i didnt have a phone as he'd smashed it up so he couldnt constantly track me down and we had an amazing month loving kind caring a side to him i havent seen for 13 yrs - when i went on hol i text him and rang him and told him i loved him cos i really thought this is the man i could be with and now i have my phone back the controlling contact his started again arguments about everything little thing he can think off and im unhappy and depressed again - please help me its be going on for 13years and i just want a happy loving caring relationship and to be happy in life with him
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (7 August 2006):
 "...please help me its be going on for 13years and i just want a happy loving caring relationship and to be happy in life with him".
First, you won't be happy in life with him. He has proven time and again that he won't face up to the reasons behing his inability to trust you. And as others have said before me, this is damaging your self-esteem.
Second, you can have a loving and caring relationship - just not with this jerk.
Third, we can't help you unless you are willing to help yourself. And you can start helping yourself by packing some things and physically moving out of your place and away from this guy. Only then will you find that "this day will be different."
We've done all that we can to advise you. As it was from the start, you need to summon the courage to follow through on your instinct and prove to yourself that you can draw strength from your convictions.
Good luck and take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all for you replies - yes i do trust him and he contstantly phones me so i know where he is and what he is doing anyway - i try to keep my phone at home and out of use but when i do that he moans even more - he doesnt trust me because over a year ago when he told me he didnt want to be with me and that he never loved me he met someone else and moved in with her but he still came around to see me and rang me alll the time but he put me down all the time and made me feel worthless so i met someone else who was not my boyfriend but a very nice understanding person and a saw him on a few occassions i never told my ex cos the rule was that i was not allowed to see anyone else even tho he was and in the end i broke the rule and i didnt tell him cos i know what hes like so thought it was best to lie but he found out and his controlling has got worse from then - but i keep telling him that i wasnt even with him when i did it and surely him having a gfriend was worse?? but he cant get his head around that and i have to hear it everyday about how im a lyer and cant be trusted - and then last year he decided he loved me and wanted me back i said we need to work on the trust issues and have been reading books and stuff to help us but he wont accept that it might be best to get help - ive rang counsellors ti get help- he has smashed 7 phones up in temper and other things eg hes ripped my clothes off me in public - i knw in my head that i need to get out but i keep going around thinking this day will be different - ive tried to talking to him all we do is talk about it - please advise what the next step should be?
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A
female
reader, cupid helper +, writes (6 August 2006):
yes some men are controlling and that needs to be sorted.sit down and tel him how you feel about it.if you love him that much maybe you should get rid of your phone you have got to think what is more important.dont let him do what he is doing. does he no how you feel? if he doesnt then you should tell him. do u trust him? then tell him that and say i trust you so you trust me.
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A
female
reader, Granny +, writes (5 August 2006):
 Hi, I can only confirm what all the others have said. This is an abusive man, whatever his reasons and he will not change unless he admits that he has a problem not you, and after 13 years and a smashed phone this is not likely, is it? You are being controlled. You are not happy. Things won't change unless you change them.
I was once in such a relationship. He timed my journeys to and from work even. I put up with that because he convinced me he loved me and I wanted to be loved. He acused me of having an affair with my boss (not true) because I did overtime and justified this by saying he adored me so much that other must be attracted to my great beauty etc etc. I thought it was romantic. What a load of rubbish. And yes, he was unfaithful to me.
Please get out of this abusive relationship before he breaks you down completely or worse.
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A
female
reader, princess-gold-digger +, writes (5 August 2006):
 My ex use to be like that, not being mean, but do you know where he is all the time? as mine did it to make sure i wasnt say..."cheating" but behind my back he was actually doing so... so i would see if that is an option as when men normally cheat they become very like edgey!!!Nika x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2006): this is absolutely an abusive relationship. it may not be physical just yet, but i promise you, if you stay with him, it will become physical. i have worked with many women in situations very similar to yours and it just escalates from here. you are your own person and it angers me for you that he treats you this way, as you have the right to do what you want and not have him call and check up on you every hour on the dot. he needs some serious counseling. because treating someone this way is ubsurd. in my opinion, i would get out of that relationship as quickly as possible. because what happens when one day you don't pick up your phone when he calls, and he finds you and decides he wants to become physical? or what happens when one day he snaps from his insecurity and hits you? i know it sounds awful to think about, but if you don't get out now, these are all very strong, likely possibilities.
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A
male
reader, David Lewis  +, writes (5 August 2006):
 Your self confidence is going to suffer more and more the longer you stay in this relationship.
Make the correct decision and leave this man before psychological damage sets in.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (5 August 2006):
 You are dating an abusive man and you have a choice (i) stay and wait for it to get much worse or (ii) like yourself enough to not tolerate such controlling behaviour. He is insecure but that is not an excuse - you clearly have no happiness or trust in your relationship. No one has the right to make you feel depressed or take your phone away - why an earth would you let anyone control you in this way? He smashed up your phone, how long before he smashes you up? You can replace a phone but not your teeth. The only compromise will be for him to get counselling. However, until then you should just ignore his phone calls - you are enabling him control by responding each time and if he gets mad then it should reinforce your motivation to leave this abusive relationship.
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