A
male
age
30-35,
*okingjay
writes:Hello everyone, I'm 25 years old homosexual guy.two months ago I met a guy on Skype (who lives not so away from me). At first we talked like friends, but then we started flirting and now it seems that we like each other very much. we talk on Skype almost every day. He tells me how much he would like to be with me, kiss me, and how pretty I am all the time. I tell him the same. but there are some problems with him. He is a 31-year-old man, He's religious, and no one knows he's gay (He says his family and friends won't accept it), He had never been in a gay relationship, and didn't come in contact with any man for 10 years neither romantic nor sexual. He is very close and I feel that he finds it hard to trust me, for example he didn't tell me his real name for a month (than he told it by accident). He refuses to give me his phon number, so I can't contact him until he comes home and connects to Skype (and sometimes it's really late, 1-2a.m), and it frustrates me, cause I'm really missing him during the day. I keep telling him that I want us to meet, go on a date, that I can pick him whenever he wants. He says that he needs more time, that he "built a wall" from men for 10 years and then I came. In his vision he does what his family expect him to do: marry a woman, but keeps reminding me that If this reality was different he would like to be with a man.I really don't know what to do, he tells me how much he wants me and I can feel it, but he doesn't take any step. I really like him, even more than that, we have this connection, and I don't want to give up on him, He says he needs time and I'm absolutly willing to give him how much time that he wants, but its been over a months now and I'm afraid I'm wasting my time, that he will never agree to meet, or give me his number, and that he'll just disapear...thank you! (and sorry for my english).
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male
reader, Phil052  +, writes (26 January 2018):
 I think you have to move on. He is a gay man who cannot openly be a gay man because of family and cultural expectations, which is sad. This is why he is making excuses. It is not a reflection on you, it is his background which is stopping him living his life like he wants to. He will either have to be honest about his sexuality, or he will live a lie for the rest of his life.
A
female
reader, TrueLoveWaits2016  +, writes (26 January 2018):
Do not wait on him. I've been there a couple times, all it that was a waste of time and emotions. Whenever a guy is confused, he isn't interested.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (25 January 2018):
 Hi OP,
I am really sorry but I have a high suspition that you are wasting your time here and that down the track you are going to get hurt.
He talks to you over the internet so that he can release the feelings he has for men. But that doesn't mean he is going to be true to himself and come out as gay. To him it is a shameful secret that he feels he must keep hidin away.
At the moment my guess is that he is using you as a penpal and nothing more. He has never had a gay relationship, he is religious and he would never turn against his family and friends, so sadly I feel he will get married (if he already isnt) and he will pretend to be straight because he feels if he is gay he won't be accepted, which is very sad in 2018.
If this man was serious about you he would give you his phone number and get to know you, personally I have a feeling that this man might already be married to a woman. At 31 why would he only be available to call you during the night?
He says he needs more time, but honey truth be told all he wants is for some man on the internet to tell him he is attractive and show him some attention. Believe me when I say he is not interested in a relationship. I don't mean to sound hateful but I would hate for you to keep going with this and end up with feelings and getting really hurt. You say you don't want to give up on him, but how long are you going to wait? Another month? A year? Sweetie it is you that will get hurt and let down because one day he will just disappear.
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A
male
reader, mokingjay +, writes (25 January 2018):
mokingjay is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much, that's really helpful. My expectations were too high, I became attached to this guy, and I hate that I need to let go and give up, but I guess I don't have a choise, cause he doesn't give me a chance. thanks again.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (24 January 2018):
I feel there's something fishy here...as though he isn't giving you the full story and he's playing you. In any case, he's not available. And sounds like he comes with a truck-load of emotional baggage if you were able to meet with him. Tell him that you need someone who is available and comfortable in their sexuality. This is just not someone you want to live your life with. There is no use in prolonging such a relationship.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (23 January 2018):
 Hi,
firstly, there's nothing wrong with your English.
You've done very well! :-)
This guy you like very much, that's great, but he must also show you the same courtesy and not simply by way of Skype most nights and late at night.
The main issue is, he hasn't told his family that he's gay, nor did he tell you his name for quite some time and only by accident, nor is he willing to meet you, asap, in person.
Obviously you respect him and don't wish to pressure him, however, how long must you keep waiting around?
Do you truly know what's really going on, deep inside his head?
What if he's just leading you down an empty path, because he likes what he sees and he thinks you're a great guy, but that's about it.
He may have no true intent, to get together with you in person, to see where this could really go.
Hew has made no clear plans to you and you really should take his wishy washy behaviour as a warning sign.
UNLESS, you're prepared to wait for him for many months, or God forbid, even years down the road, then i would strongly advise you to break your ties with him, NO MATTER, how much you like him and get on with your life, leaving your door open for a better suitor.
What he cannot give you, i'm sure others would/could.
Personally, i don't quite get, why in this day and age, he'd be afraid to come out to his entire family.
He should be true to himself and guess what?
His family will eventually come to accept and if they don't, that's seriously their loss.
You have to be true to yourself and my concern is, if he cannot be true to himself, then how on God's green earth, can he be true to you??
You sound like a great guy and it's a shame this guy isn't being completely transparent with you and showing you the exact same courtesy.
What i see is, a guy who's holding back from too many things, it all sounds pretty complicated at the very least and above all else, he comes across as very confused.
It's actually very simple.
Either he wants to be with you, or he doesn't and believe me when i say, if he wants to be with you, he will move heaven and earth to do it and he wouldn't be wasting precious time.
No excuses.
For now, worry not so much about him, but about what it is that YOU REALLY WANT AND NEED in your life.
Once you have that answer, plain and clear, then you take the next step and do what's best for YOU, not what's best for HIm, because honestly, you don't know exactly what he wants, nor what his plans are at present, nor for the near future.
This is your life and every single day counts, so make a decision and stick to that.
All the very best and do let me know how you get on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2018): You are wasting your time if you're holding-out for him. He is a 31 year-old man; and bound to his family-tradition and religion. For now, he's enjoying having someone to relate to; but he's making no effort to venture out from his safe-place.
As long as this goes on, you will be stuck in limbo; and your infatuation will just grow and grow. I don't think that is healthy for either of you.
I think if you limited or discontinued contact; he would have to make a decision one way or the other. I'm sad to predict he will not meet with you, or expose himself; because his family has to come first. Once he has dealt with them; he can come to terms with who he is. That could be years from now.
Bringing people out of the closet is too much of a task for someone your age. You have enough on your hands dealing with your own problems as a young gay man.
You're so young, and really should be developing your skills at making personal-connections and forming viable relationships with people who are out and true to themselves. Closet-cases have to come to terms with their sexual-orientation first. You're already past that.
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A
male
reader, mokingjay +, writes (23 January 2018):
mokingjay is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advices. You are absolutly right I know it... Unfortunately it's not so easy, cause I kinda felt for him already (Something that does not happen much). When it comes to love issues I'm not thinking rationally, I'm not thinking at all actually, I just follow my heart and in most cases that gets me into troubles. Thank you very much.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (23 January 2018):
 There are two of you involved in this scenario and you have to respect that HE is not ready yet for a relationship with another man. He may NEVER be ready. At best he may "dabble" but he won't come out any time soon.
You KNOW you are just lining yourself up for rejection and hurt. In your shoes I would wish him well and then cut contact because you two are not on the same page when it comes to relationships. Then find yourself someone who is already comfortable with is sexuality and who will not keep you as a secret. You deserve that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2018): I don't entirely agree with the pervious agony aunt. I'm a female around the same age as you are. I'm dating another woman long distance as of now, because currently I cannot afford to get to her. I haven't told any of my family or friends about her, save for one really close friend who understands my sexuality. It's an extremely hard thing to go through when you know you may not be accepted. Knowing the troubles us closeted individuals face there is definitely more to it. Ask him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 January 2018):
 I think IF you are looking for a partner or even JUST a lover, he isn't the right one for you.
He can't BE with you because he wants to please his family, he doesn't WANT others to know that he is gay, he doesn't even fully want to accept that he is gay.
While it's still VERY early (2 months in), I don't think he will change his mind. Now he MIGHT in 5-6 months time meet up with you, even have sex with you, but you will NOT be part of his family, you will not be someone he wants to show off. Walls or no walls.
The fact that after a couple of months he still doesn't trust you with his phone number is another reason I just don't see this going anywhere.
I think he sees you as a "his gay fantasy". You two Skype and talk a lot of lovely-dovey stuff... but you can't CALL and talk to him, he doesn't want to meet up. ALL he really wants is to have some "romantic gay fantasy" over Skype with you.
I think the BEST thing you can do (for yourself) is accept that it is what it is. (fantasy)
And that IF you want an ACTUAL relationship you NEED to date guys who are OK with being gay, OK with dating a man, OK with including their partner in their lives.
This is not the guy for you.
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