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female
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anonymous
writes: Hello! Here's my concern-My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 6 months. We temporarily live in separate cities (Philly and NYC) and both just graduated from college. We have an AWESOME relationship. However, my problem is that his other 2 girlfriends completely broke his heart. He dated them each for about 2 years, and was (in his words) extremely emotional, fell in love quickly, etc etc only to have both of the girls break up with him-- leaving him devasted. After the 2nd relationship, he decided he was changing the way he acted. So when we met, he was very much the playboy, not-get-hurt/emotional type. Now that we are exclusive and getting more serious, I'm having a hard time with his lack of emotion. I know he cares for me, and I know it will come with time, but he literally NEVER gets angry with me for anything, and is the most apathetic person to date. And I get frustrated with this because it's easy to misinterpret his apathy as him not caring about me. Annnnd on top of that, I don't have alot of sympathy for him because who hasn't been hurt in love? Plus his last realtionship ended over 2 years ago! We've communicated about it, and he said he just needed more time to open up about his feelings because he doesn't want to get hurt again. It's already hard to get close since we're long distance. (and probably will be for about another 8 months) And now, I find myself being super curious about his ex's, just because I feel a twinge of jealousy due to the fact he fell so quickly for them, and he's being so stand-offish to me. He's certainly not "emotionally unavailable" but I want to be able to encourage a growth in our relationship, and try to deal with him a little more sympathetically. And yeah yeah, I know the adage "give it time" But I think we need to foster good communication early on, and I would like to know a healthy way to react to his behavior.Thanks!
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female
reader, stina  +, writes (13 September 2006):
 Hi Anon,
I know that you don't want to hear this, but "give it time" is exactly what you're going to have to do. And, it seems to me that at this point in time there really is pretty good communication between the two of you. You know his past and why he is feeling this way, right? And he probably knows how you feel.
You might not have a lot of sympathy for him, but that's not really any reason to harp on him for not opening up right away. If you were in his position, as Iboy mentioned, I'm sure you'd want to have an understanding partner, and not one who is constantly upset at your for not being able to deal with your problem.
People work out their emotions in different ways and take different amounts of time to do so. It's great that you are apparently one who can bounce back so fast, but try to realize that he is not like that. Not only does a relationship take good communication, but it also needs *understanding* of one another. Once there is understanding in combination with communication, he will probably be more open. As Lost said, he is just being protective of himself. I'm sure you can understand that, right?
And just because others have gone through feeling hurt, etc in relationships you shouldn't think about it in this way. Other people have nothing to do with him. This is because he is an individual and every person is different when it comes to working out problems, as I've mentioned. Comparing him with others is not good for either of you. It will just cause him to get angry because you're comparing him to other people and telling him how he "should" feel and you will just get frustrated because he's not doing what you want him to do. Do you see what I mean?
Please try to be patient. This guy obviously cares a great deal about you if he's willing to let you into his life. And you should not be jealous of his ex's. They are worthless. Remember he confided his feelings to them when he didn't know they were two-faced. It should mean more to you that he is willing to be with you now, especially when he has trust issues. Realize what you have, not what you don't have.
Be patient, understanding and remain communicative. Eventually he'll be able to trust you and open up. Take care.
A
male
reader, Lostandalone +, writes (13 September 2006):
 This takes time and communication. A feeling of security because you must understand that he comes to you with a ton of baggage and you have to be willing to except that and handle it. I was in a similar situation. I went into a relationship with baggage and I made this poor girl wait for 2 years before I was able to open up. The thing is she never gave up on me. She was always there for me and to this day I love her dearly. I was just like your boyfriend is now. Its a protective state. Give it time and it will require patience. If you think he's worth it, it will be worth the effort. I hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, lboy  +, writes (13 September 2006):
 hi it's lboy here, i really do get your situation, you should first put yourself in your bf's shoes and just think, would you be so eager as to rush back into another relationship when you've had your heart broken twice so far, you should talk to your boyfriend and tell him how you feel about the situation i'm sure he'll understand, just let him know that you have no intention of braking up with him and that you would never hurt him intensionally, well good luck.
from lboy
xxx
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