A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a dating/love/life advice question. I am always hearing how men are supposed to have such a raging sex drive, how women are more likely to lose their sex drive in a long-term relationship, how men are more likely to seek sex outside of the relationship and blah blah blah. My relationship makes me think this is all a myth, but I can't find a lot of stories to validate my experience.My problem is that though I am in a very loving long-term relationship (10 years), for the past 5 of those years my husband has had a declining sex drive... to the point of only once a month or every 2 months. I believe that qualifies us as a "sexless marriage."He is not cheating. He is just always 'tired' and would rather watch TV. He seems to have accepted this sex drop-off as a normal part of a long-term monogamous relationship and though I have let him know how much it bothers me and how I am open to trying new things, he's not interested. Everything else - our conversations, activities together, etc, are still great and evolving. And we are still young! I don't want to be in a sexless relationship at this age (or any age actually) but I DO want to be in my relationship with him.In the past 6 months or so I have started day-dreaming about having an affair, which is an entirely new concept for me, and it makes me wonder if I have given up on us. I am having dreams about old old old flames. I am frustrated a lot. I just want to know - do other women have this problem? Is it normal in a long-term relationship? How do you find advice on how to deal with it, when most of the literature seems to be for husbands dealing with "frigid" wives?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2008): I am also extremely sexually frustrated in my relationship. We have only been together for a year, and I am really worried that if our sex life continues to decline, we will break up. I am only 25 and he is 28, and I can't figure out why he seems to be less and less interested in having sex with me. I love him very much and once thought that we would spend the rest of our lives together, but now I am not so sure. I have a tendency to keep my feelings bottled up, and have been unable to confront him about this issue. I just don't want to hurt his feelings, but I cannot continue on in our current situation. I just don't understand. The decline really began when he bought his first house in April. He has been fixing it up and is always working in the yard. In addition, he plays basketball and volleyball on a regular basis. He seems to have all of this energy for his house and sports, but not for me. It just hurts so much when he rejects me in bed and tells me that he is tired from doing yard work. It just makes me feel that he is not attracted to me anymore and that hurts so much. I know he isn't cheating on me, but I feel that 28 is way too young to be too tired to have sex. I need advice on what to say to him without hurting his feelings. I need help, any suggestions on what to say to him would be great!
A
female
reader, Joss  +, writes (9 March 2008):
I must disagree somewhat with the writer who encourages you to go out and take care of yourself. I'm in exactly the same position as you and that's what I did and I ended up having an affair which has left me broken hearted. In addition, while this 'affair' was going on, I stopped pursuing sex with my husband so of course, since his libido was a problem to begin with, all activity in that area has stopped. Now we both have a problem with sex and not just him. If you want to make it work with him then try getting some books about sex, erotica, sex toys, whatever you think might inspire him.If none of that works, well you may need to face up to the fact that you are sexually incompatible and that you need to come to an open marriage arrangement or leave him.Your sexuality is a real and valuable part of who you are and the prospect of a life that eliminates that is sad and wrong.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2008): Hi
I completely feel for you and can only say that I am in a very similar situation with my husband - of 7 months. It is driving me mad, not only in terms of frustration but also makes me feel unattractive, unloved and basically just being used as a child-producer and house-keeper.
I too have never come across this problem before, we don't even have any other kind of sex despite suggesting it is just classed as "unladylike". If I was to dress up in sexy clothes and surprise him, he would just tell me to put my clothes back on, there was something on the TV that was interesting. So yes, I totally understand your viewpoint and your frustration on how to deal with it.
I do not know the answer, but yes, I too imagine having an affair and so early on too. I just long for someone to show me some attention and make me sparkle. I too am young and cannot foresee the future being just as it stands but how can you make a man understand? I have talked to my husband until I am blue in the face; it makes not a scrap of difference. The old routine of tired, TV, other hobbies always comes before me and then when it is bedtime it is "too tired, I'm better in the morning", in the morning it is "right, I'm off to work, hobbies etc" - does this sound familiar to you? Do you feel as if you have to beg for any kind of attention? I imagine you come from a background where you feel it is wrong for a woman to ask for attention and that she must be desperate? But that is just what is happening.
My solution at the moment - ignore him sexually. Make a real effort with yourself, go out more and do your own thing because the bottom line is, he is doing exactly the same thing by with-holding sex and attention from you. Treat yourself with high-regard and do not always be accommodating whenever he wants to do the things that pleases him ie hobbies, tv etc. Whilst your husband has the best of all things, you are left feeling empty. The longer he gets everything, the less likely he is to make any changes to ensure you are happy. Only be action can you try to make thins change, otherwise it is a long life suffering in silence.
I hope that I've helped but I'm still working on it myself!
Take care & good luck
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (5 March 2008):
 If your man is not exercising regularly, taking the right kind of food and not having enough sleep, then his sex drive will nose dive.
Exercise keeps a man fit , a higher self esteem and his body produces more of those male hormones which can regulate his sexual activities. More hormones, means more sex.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (5 March 2008):
 In my opinion as a man, "pinksuze" addressed this matter expertly. It is true that "familiarity" seems to lessen sex drive in both men and women. In other words, it can become routine - basically the same "old thing" every time. And it is also true that the needs and desire levels among partners can be at different intensities during the course of a relationship. For instance, either partner may be more focused on career, kids, hobbies, etc. rather than sexual pleasure at any given period, while the other partner needs more intimacy.
As an older man having a variety of relationships over many years, and having experienced the same issue at times, the obvious solution to me is simply having greater variety of activities between a couple - such as included oral stimulation in a variety of ways. Some couples may also introduce things such as toys, vibrators, role playing and it goes on and on. Good, healthy sexual activities without apparatus has been good enough for me and many others, but whatever it takes, just liven it up !
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A
female
reader, pinksuze +, writes (5 March 2008):
I absolutely believe that it is a myth that men have higher sex drives than women - when this is cited it is usually to excuse bad behaviour "oh he had an affair because he has a high sex drive" or "I have to use porn on my own because my sex drive is high." All the evidence I have, although only anecdotal, points to the opposite being true. I have certainly never met anybody who can match my sex drive, and I have female friends who say the same thing.
Your problem is a toughie. Do you accept his diminishing interest in sex, do you go elsewhere for physical satisfaction? Neither of these options seems very satisfying - accepting his lowered sex drive means ignoring your needs and the implications of having extra-marital sex are huge. I think you need to talk to him, not have a go at him but sit down and say calmly that it is becoming a real issue for you. Perhaps you can reach a compromise. If he loves you (which I'm sure he does) then he should be willing to do something to address this problem. However, if he's not open to trying anything new or adventurous it leaves you in a very difficult position, and it might be that you just have to accept that there is less sex in your relationship than you'd like - weighing this negative up against all the positives in your relationship to see whether you could do so.
It's always possible that there is an underlying reason for his diminished sex drive, and this could perhaps be addressed by seeing a sex therapist.
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