A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:okay im new to this just needed everybody else point of view.......cuz he thinks im crazy!.......We started dating in high School. Out of nowhere his suppose "best freind" girl freind started feeling something just when i came up. she always wanted to seperate us the whole time we were together she never liked me..........so a year went by and she got married had a baby... thank god! thats what i thought!........ i moved out of state for a year me and him kept talking he told me he wasn't talking to anybody etc. A years later i moved in with him we got pregnant everything was good!....later on in my pregnancy i find all this letters that SUPPOSE friend of his wrote to him saying things like i wish me and you could be together, i wished my baby was from you.....i love you so much i cant live without you....etc. and he tells me they are just frinds!????? do you think they are just frinds!? i dont think so?..........but to make long story short..... we been living together for 2 years our daughter is 17months young. everyhthing has been good until now.?. where i cant make up my decision.......i came for vacation me and my daughter to visit my mom. i find out he has been talking to her this whole time i been gone 24/7 since the day i left!!! he denied it! he sweard to god! he put it on our child that he was not been talkin to her!!!!......3 hours later he admits that they have been talkin! and all they been talking about was about me and our baby!......................all day talkin about me and my baby? yuh right! im talking about early in the mornin, 20 time a day, and talking since 10pm to 2 3 in da morning! EVERY SINGLE DAY! what do you think about that????? and he still says SHE IS JUST A FRIEND!..... what should i dooo.......
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female
reader, ready2bolt +, writes (21 August 2008):
I am so sorry you are going through this!!
Sounds like you have phone records of some kind so you at least know when they were talking? The good news is that if they were on the phone, then they weren't physically together. Although, I'd want an accounting of the time when they weren't on the phone so you still have some detective work to do. I'm also concerned by the volume of calls - I think I'd want to know who called whom just to see where the pressure is being initiated. But regardless of who is pushing the buttons here, dear boyfriend is obviously not clear about his priorities to you. He is clearly conflicted if he can spend so much time on the phone with her. I know this much, you cannot just let this go. You are going to need to keep talking to him about this, but be careful not to nag or drive him further away. This is a sit down and get it all out kind of talk, not an opportunity to bring it up and jab him at every little chance you get. Obviously, this man can hold a conversation for more than a few minutes so I think you need to let him know a heart-to-heart is coming - get a sitter, go somewhere private, and stay relaxed. Let him know how this is making you feel and that, for you to trust him completely, you need to know he is committed to respecting your relationship and your family together. You might both have to talk about what faithfulness and mutual respect means to each of you - for him, it might be anything but sex with another person. For you it may be awakening him to the fact that even emotional intimacy with a female other than you (and his mom!) is not acceptable. Knowing that this girl from the past wants more than his friendship means she is a clear threat. That is a reality you both have to face - and be able to talk about together - as a couple and as a unified front. Even if he has no attraction to her, he needs to give her a clear message to back off and that there is no hope for anything other than friendship -- although it sounds to me like he is not willing to give her that message at all -- he may get a kind of perverse pleasure out of stringing her along. You might even need to point that out to him too - that he is hurting you AND her by not making some clear boundaries. If he is going to entertain long phone calls and letters from her he prevents her from making the commitment she needs to make to her own family. At the end of the day, you need to get clarity and honest answers from him - not this mashup of lies. If he cannot be honest with you and possibly even confront her with you present to tell her that the contact with her cannot continue then you should think hard now about what the ultimatum should be. As I heard someone else put it - play hard ball now. This is the father of your child and the man it sounds like you wanted to plan a future with - don't be afraid to fight hard for resolution - you have to know so you can go on with your life - hopefully together. One last note, please don't drag your child into it if you can help it. It's okay if she knows you are sad, but don't run down her father to her. Facts can come later when she is old enough to understand, but for now protect her from the roller coaster of your own emotions. That ride is hard enough for one person, but even harder for a little kid. I wish you the best!
A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (21 August 2008):
I really do feel for you as this must be such a horrible situation to be in!
I cant say whether or not hes cheating on you (i.e. has had sex, kissed, touched her etc), but I can say, with a fair amount of certanity that he and her are having what some may describe as an "emotional affair". From the letters its obvious that she has some deep feelings for him and I doubt she would be writing them if he didnt return those feelings. If the feelings were one sided then he wouldnt keep the letters or continue talkign to her so much and let he continue to say things that are inappropiate.
I know you must be so hurt right now and to be honest I dont knwo what you should do in this situation.
For some reason, your bf has stayed with you and not told you how he truly feels. Maybe he has stayed with you because he likes/love you both? Im not sure...but I think you need to confront him about this situation again and see what more info you can get for him. Think about what you're gona say and prepare yourself for any lame exucses of justifications he may come up with.
In the end, you have to decide if you are willing to stay with a guy who is lieing and has some sort of feelings for another person.
...............................
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