A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm hoping for some advice to help me through all this. I've been with my partner for 9 years, lived together for 5. We're not married as he always told me he 'wasn't ready' but he would be one day. Anyway a few weeks ago when we were cuddling and I brought up the subject of us moving forward he blurted out that he would never marry me or have children with me. It came from nowhere. Since then my whole world is upside down! I moved back to my parents house 5 weeks ago and in this time I have had mixed signals from him. He has started seeing a counsellor about 'issues' he has. We've still met up and talked and he just tells me he needs space. A week ago he told me the counselling was helping and when I asked if we were moving forward and did he want me in his life he said he thought we were making headway and he was alot clearer.Just when I thought we were geting there he sends me an email telling me it is all over and that I should move all my stuff out - which I now have. BUT - when I visited him to discuss a few things he broke down in tears on me, asked me for hugs, kissed me and says he still loves me. He was in such a state I told him he needed more than the counselling he needed to see a doctor.I have been constantly ringing him and asking to meet up (I miss him and love him so much) to the point I made him angry... I know he needs space but it's so hard!Anyway after asking me for no contact he sends me an email today telling me he has acute stress and exhaustion and the doctor has giving him sleeping tablets. He says he is no use to me and won't be in the future if he is ill....Is there any hope for us? He is my best friend, my soul mate. He is such a complex character and I want to be there for him to help him through all this.
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best friend, needs space, soulmate Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your answers. I know you are all talking alot of sense. I just don't believe that he doesn't want me...I think the illness is making him say and do irrational things.
I've never been surprised at him not wanting to rush into marriage because he's been married before and it turned messy. I think he is scared of the commitment again. Before I moved in with him he asked me if I wanted to get married and have kids to which I said yes. He said he needed to know as there was no point us taking the relationship forward if we didn't want the same things and that was what he wanted?
A
female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (9 June 2009):
 You've got to give him more space to work this out. Being on top of him all the time is actually counterproductive. Dive more into your own life, see your friends, go out and have some fun. If you keep calling him and contacting him you WILL keep setting everything back!
I think it's a good sign that he went to counseling. He is trying to work on himself and he really, really needs you to give him time to do that.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (9 June 2009):
 Dear poster, I don't think this man is complex. Sorry.
He does not want to marry you or have kids with you. He said that very clearly. That does not mean he does not love you. But, the way things happened, he has to choose whether he marries you and has children, or whether he loses you; and so far he has chosen losing you. Sometimes he regrets losing you.
What can you do? If you want marriage and kids, you need to stand your ground and not return to him.
If you go back to him, make sure he doesn't assume that, because he won this one, he will win every other. And, don't try to get even, either. You don't have the same expectations from the relationship. He has handled this a bad way, but he's not essentially bad. Neither are you.
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