A
female
age
30-35,
*ittywriter
writes:Hello, I am slightly put off and rather upset at the moment. I live in a small town with my boyfriend of almost six years, and he... Well he is always dragging me over to his ex's place, making me spend the night, doing all her "to do" lists, and well he pretty much ignores me with me being right beside him... When I confronted him about how it looks and makes me feel asking how he would feel about the situation being reversed he got offended up set and started defending himself, harder then a drowning woman attempting to grasp a straw. I know they share a kid together but he's not spending his time with his kid but rather with his kids ex... And I am fed up with it but do not know how to deal as we are financially dependent on each other at the moment... (Common law spouses with shared assets) so my question is, what can i do? Do I move on, restart my life? Or try to make him see yet again how this makes me feel... P.s. we are at his ex's now, I went to bed at 10, it's now 3:30 and he is still downstairs with her...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2017): Why would you put up with this disrespect for so long. Dump this loser and find a man who is yours.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2017): I have read your last sentence over a few times.
" we are at his ex's now, I went to bed at 10, it's now 3:30 and he is still downstairs with her..."
JEEZUS lady, run while you still can!!!!!
When has it EVER been ok or appropriate to stay up all night talking to an ex? Good lord, lady. They obviously have damn deep feelings for each other that are headed towards an affair and a life of heartbreak for you.
Contact should be kept to a minimum-- just about the child between exes. The whole thought of you actually sleeping over there is bizarre beyond belief.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (15 January 2017):
 Consider yourself lucky that you can see whats going on between him and his Ex because you're dragged over by him and made to spend the night. How many girlfriends such as yourself can actually say and see nothing is going on between them; I mean she's not sitting on his lap or is she? Otherwise you'd be hair pulling crazy with suspicion, wondering whats happening without you being there???
Nonetheless this 6 year Fix It Handyman boyfriend of yours is not giving you what you want in this relationship. You have shared assets that can be legally resolved in order for you to move on with your life. Otherwise be prepared to be the spare wheel till the end of your days.
Child or no child, and it's OK to help out, although I believe he over extends his services and or she's definitely manipulating him for her gain! Her motive could be for them to get back together, have a reliable Handyman at her service, a visiting father of their child? But for whatever the reason, this does not make you feel priority number one or listened to?
Take Care - CAA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2017): You are a safety net for him. Including financially. Basically he's still in love with her but he needed to 'move on' so you fill that gap. If he could he'd still be with her so you are just enabling him to have both options. It's time to get a grip. Start with a plan as to how you can leave even if it means house sharing elsewhere. You are being used and abused.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (15 January 2017):
 Let me get this straight, you are "slightly put off and rather upset at the moment"? Honey you have have been hoodwinked for 6 years. You can stay and let it go on for another 6 years I mean since it only slightly angers you OR you can sort out the who owns what and start making a life for yourself that you can actually enjoy day to day. Your choice.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (15 January 2017):
 I agree with the others - this situation is bizarre enough to be basically unheard of. And I wouldn't stay in it. Putting up with this crap only enables him.
Get your financial ducks in a row, move out, and hold out for someone who doesn't subject you to sleepovers at the ex's house six YEARS into a new relationship.
Good luck and best wishes!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (15 January 2017):
 I am torn on this one. One the one hand I can completely understand why you are upset. On the other hand, he takes you WITH him so you know he is not up to anything with his ex. (It was YOUR choice to go to bed and leave them alone together. I would have made a point of ensuring he came with me.) Regarding the "to do lists", if this is stuff around the house, then he may see it as benefiting his child, rather than his ex. (My OH fixes things at the house where his daughter lives with her mother because the mother's new partner is rubbish at DIY and, if his daughter comes to him, asking him to fix the shower, he is not going to refuse.)Having said all that, I can fully understand why you are uncomfortable going with him, especially if he ignores you when you are there. Does her REALLY ignore you, or do you feel you should get more attention just because of the situation?The bottom line is, you are allowing him to do this to you. If you are really uncomfortable with it - which would be quite reasonable - then you have to sit down and discuss how things can change. Be prepared to hear that he refuses to change them. You then have a decision to make: do you stay and put up with things the way they are, or do you move on?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2017): You shouldnt be at the exes and sleeping over.Its not the usual scenario.Something here is faked out because theyve got you in a situation where you think its normal.I think you need to refuse to spend time there.When its a cordial arrangement the ex may sit down and have a cup of tea and a slice of cake and a quick chat for a birthday for example but if you are staying overnight then you are technically kid 2!You must be worth the cash to them.I would get out of this whole goddam affair and fly their nest and your joint financial responsibilities.It would probably be worth it for you to regain your freedom.It sounds like a menage a trois without you being aware of their level of intimacy or future plans.Set yourself free and let them figure the rest out for themselves.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 January 2017):
 He keeps doing it because you put up with it.
Why on Earth are you still WITH this guy? He isn't over the ex and is at her beck and call even after 6 YEARS with you?!
He is not going to change or he would have already. You are waiting for him to see the light and it's not going to happen.
SORT out whatever it is you OWN together and move out and move on.
My best guess? He will shack up with HER right after that.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (15 January 2017):
 How long have you been putting up with this? I've never heard of a situation like this before in my life. What kind's of things is he doing with his ex? Fair enough they may be on good terms but I think this is a little overkill.
You've explained how it makes you feel and he's not done anything to rectify the situation. Do you see yourself putting up with this for much longer? Think long and hard.
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