A
male
age
36-40,
*adlove85
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. He is a few years older than I am. Since I was 16 I have been out of the closet. I have fully embraced my gayness. I am in the military and most of the people who know me know about my sexuality and don't have a problem with it. When I started dating my boyfriend he was completely in the closet. He was 26 when he realized that he was gay and was willing to explore sex with another guy. Up until that point he had always been attracted to women and had had relationships with them like any normal guy. Within a few months he came out to his family who is from Argentina (they live in the same town as we do in the US). They were completely astonished by this and were totally unsupportive. They have refused to talk to me and get upset when my name is brought up. I have done everything that I could do to try and get them to open up but they have created a world in which I am the devil who corrupted their son and brother. To make matters worse my boyfriend refuses to introduce me to his friends as his boyfriend. Word has gotten around though and everyone knows what the situation is. He has told a few of his friends and now for the most part everyone knows that we are more than just friends. However he still refuses to introduce me officially as his boyfriend. He does anything he can to make sure I have no contact with his friends. He lies when he's with me about his whereabouts (even though we LIVE together) and just pretty much pretends I dont exist. What is making matters worse for me now is that he is finally starting to identify himself a bit more as a gay man with them but still refuses to acknowledge my role in his life. How much longer can I let this go on. Every time I bring up the subject, which is becoming more and more frequently, he tells me hes not ready or makes up some excuse. Its starting to wear on our relationship. The problem is that outside of this issue, our lives are great. We love each other and in our little world we are happy. But it hurts to watch him live in two world, a world of just me and him, and a world with his friends and family and co-workers which doesn't include me. I'm not sure what to do anymore.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2009): There are a few things you have to consider:You're coming from a background where your life has been built with people knowing you were openly gay. Ever since you were 16, you've been forced to nurture a future with or without approval. Your boyfriend is in a totally different set of shoes. For one, he had to come to terms with being gay at an age where his life was already standing on a firm foundation: one where he's straight. So in addition to accepting himself (which can be hard enough already), he has to figure out a way of easing this new and sometimes negative element into his present life.I don't think you should leave him. At the same time, forcing him to choose between a life he's spent 26 years developing and a man he's in love with isn't fair either. But in the end, you can't compromise your level of happiness.At this point, it's all about figuring out what you can deal with. If this man means enough, you'll have to re-experience what it was like to deal with your homosexuality when you were 16. You can't expect him to catch up to speed with you. The question you have to ask yourself is whether or not you're willing to make these concessions and walk with him on the hard early roads of a gay man's life. If you're not, then it's best you break this to him; as long as you don't rush his progress.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): Give him an altimatum. Tell him you have this much time and once that time passes I dont think Im going to wait any longer. If I were in his shoes I would be kinda worried if my employer found out would he treat me any differently and even if its the same, what if he gives another person the promotion. And maybe he doesnt want to feel unwanted at work by anyone, same goes for his friends. He seen how they mistreated you maybe he thought he may get the same respons at work ,but instead of it going tords you it would reflect onto him. He sounds kinda sensitive and afraid. Idk give him the altimatum, or give him to work out something that doesnt seem like its going to be worked out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2009): I don't like his narrow minded family and he is being pushed around. You sound like a great guy and with a great career. So much is going for you, except for this. I think you need to take this just one step at a time. Go with the flow and see what eventuates. He is in a difficult situation too. One step forward. One step back.
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A
male
reader, deafguy  +, writes (17 August 2009):
Sorry that you went through a difficult time.
What about the truth? Where is honest in this relationship? Where do you want to go? Can you survive with this lies?
I think you have tried your best in this situation but please think about yourself.
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