A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need advice on how to approach my boyfriend so as not to hurt him. We met about 8 months ago; I am having a few doubts about us. I own my own place and he has gradually spent more and more time with me until it has now got to the point that he is unofficially living with me, but paying no rent! I know it is convenient for him as he works about a 1 minute walk from my place, but the truth is, I want space and I am not ready for him to be moving in. I have spoken to him about it, but he gets offended and hurt that I dont want him there. We wake up in the morning and he always assumes that he is seeing me that night. I leant him some keys a few weeks ago, and he has kept them without asking and is coming back sometimes on his lunch breaks to make some lunch.I told him I want to get to know him gradually, but he is really pushing for us to be together 24/7.He cant drive and I drive him about, I recently told him that I cant do it forever and that he has to pass his test, he has taken this on board and has booked lessons and his theory test, he has bought all the books too so that he can revise, so this shows he is willing to change.I would find im more attractive and like a good catch if he had his own place (he lives with his mum but doesnt like it), had his own car and license.It also bugs me that he smokes.I feel like I am trying to change him, into someone he is not so that I find him more of a good catch, is that wrong?Should I let him go and find someone more on my level?HELP!!
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male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (27 March 2009):
 anyone who wants all your resources will drain you and nobody can be a well of goodwill forever. seachange?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2009): Good! Even so, spend a lot less time with him so that he will get the idea that its really over and done with.
AND: CHANGE YOUR LOCKS!!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2009): Good! Even so, spend a lot less time with him so that he will get the idea that its really over and done with.
AND: CHANGE YOUR LOCKS!!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2009): It sounds like he has nothing to offer you. I think you should just move on to someone on your level. What he's doing to you is going to eventually drain you out in the future anyway so dont waste your time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the advice.I had a chat to him tonight when he came in after work and he didnt take it well, he got all defensive and making me feel guilty that he hasnt really got a place to call home and love spending time with me, why dont I feel the same, etc. I told him I love him but need my own space, if we are meant to be, we will be and by pushing himself on me, he may push me away not draw me closer. He got a bit angry and blameful and went off in a huff, but he came back and agreed and told me he was going home and as of next week is going to base himself out of his mother's house.I am so happy!I have some peace at last tonight, it is really good to have my place back and do as I please!Thanks again xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2009):
Boonridge and Guppypig are right: you can't change this man.
He's living with you but pays no rent; gets you to drive him wherever he wants to go; pushes you to be with him 24/7 even though you have told him you need your own space. Your first mistake was in allowing him to move in with you in the first place.
You need to tell him that he has to move out, period. No if's and's or but's. Allow him two or three weeks to find alternate living arrangements and make clear that you expect him to stick to the deadline. If he has not been able to find an apartment (either on his own or with a roomate) he can surely go back to his Mother's until he is able to get a place of his own.
If he gives you a hard time, or pleads for just a little bit more time, don't give in! Get all your locks changed!!!
If necessary get someone to come and remove his belongings if he won't do it after you have warned him. If he threatens you, call the police.
This man is trying to take over your life. Don't let him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2009): Weird - I was just going to post a similar question here. I am in a situation with a new boyfriend who wants to see me all the time. I am really busy with two jobs and college and I haven't even seen my best friend in a month! It is killing my attraction to him. I don't want to hurt his feelings, just like you, but I need my space too...your situation sounds more extreme - my guy has his own place/car, and he's not crashing at my apartment all the time. I would just try to approach it in the most pragmatic tone possible. The bottom line is you need to establish healthy boundaries with this guy - if he can't deal with it and is using you and your place and car as a crutch for his incomplete life, I'd say cut him off! Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (26 March 2009):
trying to change someone is very unlikely to ever work to a significant degree and reeks that you are settling with someone who you are not sure of and maybe should not be financially supporting.
give an inch and over the course of months for every half inch taken day by day you end up with a mile
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A
male
reader, guppypig  +, writes (26 March 2009):
Tell him you don't particularly admire needy men. Tell him to grow up and stop being a parasite.
And no, don't try to change him. You are not a miraculous being who can magically change other people.
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