A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my partner now for 4 years. Sex was quite normal at the start but it's now becoming a problem in our relationship. We used to make love nearly every day but it's now only about twice a week. I'm the one that doesn't want to make love as much because I feel I'm being used! He is always pressurising me into things I don't like doing (anal, dressing up and oral) I don't mind doing the dressing up and oral when I'm in the mood to do it! but he expects me to perform these all the time. This is making me dislike him and not love him as much as i used to. He doesn't respect my feelings when I don't want to do these. He gets very angry with me and tells me I'm being cold towards him and that I don't love him or I would do this for him. This is why I feel I'm being used to satisfy his needs! He also has an addiction to porn. He always has to watch them when he's masterbating and always wants one on when we make love. I feel it's not me he's making love to. I also came downstairs one night just after we had just had sex to find him watching a porn film and masterbating. I got really upset and shouted at him and told him how i felt. I felt inadequate and that I'm not performing or satisfying him enough for him to do this. Is this normal or am I with a man who has a problem?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2008): Loverman! You obviously didn't read the whole thing! You should get a life and not discuss things you don't know about especially as you are only 14.
A
male
reader, loverman86 +, writes (7 January 2008):
 i think the answer here is blatantly obvious, DONT HAVE SEX THEN, seriously your on here asking what you should do because you dont want sex, THEN DONT HAVE IT
OVER
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2008): Wholeheartedly agree with the other Aunts on this page. Great advice. This is not normal. Your husband needs professional help--he does have a sexual addiction or is leading into one. Anytime a man uses emotional blackmail and causes deep pain in the heart of the women he's married too...to force her into acts that she's uncomfortable with. then he's forgotten how to 'love her' with honor and respect. In other words, this marriage and the sexual union has become 'all about him'. \He's floundering...and he's doing little more than to show exactly how weak he is. He has forgotten that the life and love of a good marriage requires far more focus, diligence, commitment and strength of character than does a self-involved life of porn and addiction, which he is choosing.. And the key word here is choice. Is there hope for the marriage? Yes, there is. But first-your husband must grasp "reality" once again, and comprehend that his actions are destructive to you and toward this marriage. When these behaviors overtakes a husband's interest in his wife, and he masturbates immediately after sex with her, then we know that this man is in deep trouble. His problem is not you, the problem lies with his weakness. He's not an errant child..he's an adult who has made a choice-a decision to allow pornography and this sexual addiction to invade his brains, thus severely affecting the safe, secure intimate confines of his marriage. Even if one's marriage is one that is wrought with many, many other unspoken problems-problems that make intimacy difficult---that's still not an excuse to do what he's doing to your spirit and this marriage.
You both really need serious marriage counselling and he needs addiction counselling. He will fight it and deny it...expect that. Boundaries will be needed..tough ones. Set a deadline for him to show that he is willing to enter a serious program to help him kick this. There is help available. Talk to your minister, your family doctor-and they will be able to give you some information on whom you contact. Once his addiction is out in the full light, its power is diminished..it's then that he will hopefully say, "I need help'. He needs serious help today and there should be closely monitoring of his progress. If he refuses to get help-walk out and leave before he drags you down into the hellhole.. he's gotten himself into. And please find a support group you can get involved with. Your sense of worth has likely been deeply affected. You will need to heal from this. Here is a website to check out below. It does state some of the signs of porn/sexual addiction. Not sure if your hubby falls into line with this..but it worth a look.
http://www.way2hope.org/signs_of_sexual_addiction.htm
Good luck, hun...my heartfelt feeling go out to you.
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A
female
reader, Fairy_Lu +, writes (7 January 2008):
 Huni why are you still with this guy he is a sex addicted and needs help and you need to learn to say NO if there are things you dont like to do or dont want to do tell him who cares if he gets angry or upset your his partner not his mother he shouldnt be able to get his own way just because he stamps his feet, i think he needs to see a proffessional as he has a serious problem and its so unfair that you have to suffer as well. And if he doesant agree to it or it doesnt help i wouldnt suffer anymore i would get rid off him and find someone who treats you like the princess you are not the hoar he wants you to be.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2008): Oh yes - he's got a problem alright. He's like a kid who's discovered the sweetshop without the shop assistant behind the counter and is helping himself to all the goodies. (not a very good analogy, but the best I could come up with on the spur of the moment).
He sounds like a sex addict, the more he gets, the more he wants. I could possibly understand it if he was on Viagra and was doing his best to get rid of an erection, but watching porn and having a wank right after having sex with you? He's not normal.
pressuring you to take part in activities you feel uncomfortable with is not to my mind a healthy sexual relationship. It's all him and nothing to do with you. He's treating you like a piece of meat and getting away with it - up 'till now that is. No wonder you're feeling cold towards him, he's not treating you any better than he would a prostitute who he's paid to perform various tricks for him.
You'd be better off without him and he can than find someone else to fulfil his fantasies.
Phil
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2008): This guy is being very selfish - its obvious. I'm afraid that his increasing demands are unreasonable and you have to give him an ultimatum because where is all this leading to? I mean how far is he expecting you to go? It is now undermining your self-worth and to be honest love making should strengthen your emotions not weaken them. Feeding a craving or addiction of his is not for you - be strong and know the difference between wrong and right. You are right to be honest with yourself now be honest with him. Tell him he changes his attitude to you, satisfies your needs or you're off. I wouldn't let a man bully me about sex for ANYTHING - its not love is it?
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