A
female
age
30-35,
*hymustyouloveme
writes:I've known this guy for about a year and for the past few months he's been telling me that he has fallen in love with me. At first I didn't believe him because in our past he lied to me about something big so it was hard for me to trust him. I am still skeptical that he actually likes me and all and I want to trust him so much. I think I have fallen for him too but I don't know, I feel like this is some stupid teenage crush but a part of me feels like it is the real deal. I don't know what I should do? Do you think this is real? Another huge problem is that he is five years older than me and I am 17 years old. So maybe he's lying to me....but I don't want sex until marriage and he wants the same so that's not the issue for us. Is this wrong? I don't know what to do. A part of me loves him, a part of me feels its not real.
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male
reader, Drmks909 +, writes (5 June 2008):
I would like to recommend a book for you (and possibly) your boyfriend to read, it completely relates to your (and my) situations..... I just finished it this evening and it blew my mind and it will absolutely give you a new perspective on your relationship.
"He's Scared, She's Scared"
It's available on amazon for $10.....
http://www.amazon.com/Hes-Scared-Shes-Understanding-Relationships/dp/0440506255/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1212662837&sr=8-1
A
female
reader, whymustyouloveme +, writes (29 May 2008):
whymustyouloveme is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Drmks909,After reading your response, tears began to form in my eyes. Not from hurt but finally seeing what I need to do to make it work. I've been seeking help with my past issues and am trying so hard to open up. But after reading your response, it really helped me see and make the right choices. I think I'm going to follow my heart and fight for my love. I am glad that you were honest and blunt because it's really what I need to hear.Thank you so much. Thank all of you for your help. When I first wrote to this site, I did it because it helped to just let it out there. I wasn't expecting anyone to respond, but you guys did and I really love the advice you have given me. I know now that if I ever have problems and I need to seek some help, I know where to go. Thank you, thank you so very much.
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A
male
reader, Drmks909 +, writes (29 May 2008):
Whyumustloveme,
I have been on both ends of this sword, and I will admit to you that it is extremely difficult to stay with someone who cannot open up to you after "enough" time has gone by. I have had several girlfriends, who due to previous life experiences, have been unable or unwilling to open up to me and have at times become hostile for trying to "pry" it out of them. If he is anything like myself, then his greatest frustration isn't that you won't open up to him, but the response you give him when he tries with you (i.e. I am trying to be there for you thick and thin, and instead of being okay you fight me). He obviously doesn't want to give up, but you have been supplying him with negative reinforcement every time he tries... Make a little sense?
I am sure that his buddies are going, "why are you dealing with this girl if she is going to be like this to you?" to which he most likely responds "because I care about her that much that I am willing to wait and see". The problem is you aren't giving him any sign of having the capacity to be different or to truly change your behavior. Don't get me wrong, I completely understand that it is not like flipping a light switch and making your intimacy issues disappear, but as it stands, he just couldn't possibly believe that things will be anything but the status quo if he continues to talk to you. Couple that with the fact that he is about to move onto the next stage of life (i.e. graduating), which makes everyone question pretty much everyone and everything around them, and you have arrived in the land of his uncertainty of your future.
I also understand your position about not being able to open up to people, and feeling "down" about it. I have been in several relationships in which, because of my past baggage or something to the effect, I was unable or unwilling to open myself up to my girlfriend. It truly is a horrible feeling trying to explain to someone how much you really care about them and want more than anything else not to be the way that you are, but you just are, and hope that they will stick it out with you until you can figure yourself out. In the end, I think the toughest lesson for me to learn was that often I was looking to these girlfriends to help me get out of my ways, and thus caused me to be less individually proactive about it then I should have been (which didn't help the situation at all). You will always find people who want to work or stay with you because they can understand your issues, but in the end you can only really ask someone to try and help you fix your own problems for so long....
I know the prospect of losing this guy sucks, because it would seem so "easy" for you (and them) to just flip the proverbial switch and make everything better, but the honest truth is it just doesn't happen that way. If you really care about this guy then I suggest you do some soul searching a choose one of these two routes.
1) Call him or email, not expecting him to pick up or even respond, explaining to him just how much he means to you (email sometimes works best for this because you can get it all out at your own pace) and exactly why you haven't been able to open up with him, the possible steps that you both could take to insure growth between the two of you, and exactly what YOU are willing to bring to table to get out of this "holding pattern".
This should illicit a response from him, and can potentially open up dialogue between the two of you of how to move into the future, as opposed to just staying in a continuous present...
However, if you are to take this route understand the commitment you are theoretically making and what you are asking of him, this is something you should think through first, not just jump on. If he is committed to severing you from his life (although I would put money on the fact that he isn't "gone" quite yet), then you most likely have one last attempt to really fix things, but also be prepared for it to not work as well.... This route can be painful but if you really feel this guy is someone who is worth it (go to your rationale not your heart here), then go for it.. just be prepared to take a final hit...
2)Give him his space and time right now, if you two truly share a strong enough connection (I do hate it when people say this to me) then you will have some kind of contact in the future during which things could be rehashed. Accept the possibility that you might lose him (once again I hate it when people say this), take the time to work on yourself, seek out family, friends, therapy, whatever so that you can get to the core of yourself and tackle the issue. Work on you for YOU, and when you are happy and ready it will either be him or someone better.
Finally, even if you were able to open yourself up to him now you would be in part just forcing yourself to do it. This will guarantee that this problem will rear its ugly head at you in the future, so it is important that either route you take you realize that there is some personal exploration and growth that you must go through before you (this is true for everyone, including myself) can truly take part in healthy deeply rooted relationships.
I hope I have helped... Excuse me if I have been slightly blunt, I am tired, but felt compelled to respond to your question. If there is anything else I can personally answer for you, feel free to let me know.
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A
female
reader, whymustyouloveme +, writes (29 May 2008):
whymustyouloveme is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEmilyanwers, I think that is the best advice I've recieved from anyone. I've asked good friends and all they have told me is that we weren't meant to be.
I'm just really scared. I've dated before but this time it feels different. I actually see a long term relationship with this guy. He just feels so right. But I think I messed things up. He knows that I went through a serious trauma when I was younger. So its hard for me to open up and share my feelings. He told me that he was graduating from college and wanted to celebrate with me, but I guess I wasn't so nice to him and didn't really share his happiness. I guess I wasn't very supportive and I think I let him down because I am the only person he actually cares to share important things that happen in his life.
So after that happened he has stopped talking to me. He tries so hard to get me to open up and share what's on my mind and in my heart. But when he tries to pry and get me to open up, I fight him and it just frustrates him. I tell him I'm sorry and I can't help it, and he says he won't give up. But this time, I think I may have messed things up for good. I think he has thrown in the towel and does not want to try. And if I were in his place, I would give up too. Its why my past relationships have failed.
Should I fight for him and try to win him back? or should I give up and move on? I feel like I've messed things up for good, but I can't seem to forget him or get him out of my mind. Just the smallest thing reminds me of him and it warms my soul, but breaks my heart that it might be over. Help me please.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (28 May 2008):
Well most people do the whole falling in love thing after they've gone out for a while so it's going to be pretty high pressure if you get into a relationship with him.
Why not just tell him you want to go out with him, but still don't trust him. Let him take you out on dates, let him win your trust.
If he says he's willing to wait for marriage to have sex then you should be pretty safe from him just wanting to use you.
As for the age thing... you are 17, that's pretty grown up. If you were a couple of years younger I would tell you to back away, but I think you should be mature enough to handle a relationship with a guy in his early 20s.
Follow your instincts and don't give your love away too easily, but give him a chance if you think he deserves it.
Good Luck!! xx
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