A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have recently started to really like this one guy, and he likes me back. We've been friends for a while but never hung out too much until this past weekend. We hung out both nights this weekend, and it was awesome. We started off just watching youtube videos in my room and eventually started snuggling up. The next day it went a bit farther than snuggling up, and I told him that I liked him and he said that he liked me. He is an awesome guy and I feel like he could be perfect for me.The problem, however, is that in the past (but still within this last year) I was with one of his best friends although we never officially dated. Well today he said that he's trying to get past it but he's not sure if he's ok with us being together after mine and his best friend's past. He said that I'm really sweet and that he does like me, but something doesn't feel right right now and he thinks the reason is my past with his best friend. The thought that we had been together bothers him. He's also afraid of what his best friend would say about it and how he would feel about the situation.What should I do about this? I'm also still friends with his best friend, so should I just casually mention something to him about liking him and see what his reaction is? I'm really not sure what I should do, but I reallllly like this guy and everything with him just seems so perfect otherwise.Thanks for all help and advice!
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 December 2011):
 There was nothing in that other thread about the woman keeping things a secret from her husband. That was an assumption without grounds.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011): Cerberus argued the way he did on the other thread because that woman was KEEPING SECRETS about being back in contact with an ex. That is a helluva big difference from being open about it.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (5 December 2011):
Cerberus, you are on here encouraging a friendship with an ex when you on the other thread says an ex is an ex and never a platonic friend... That's the reason why she needs to cut this friendship out, because the new guy will probably not be ok with her being friends with her ex.
Look, a guy who has been married for 20 years gets all worked up when his wife gets in contact with a man she used to date 20 years ago. Then how do you think this new guy would feel if his girlfriend is best buddies with her ex, who happens to be his friend?
There's also other guys on here, just recently one was saying his best friend used to hook up with his gf and now he's got huge trouble dealing with it. Fair enough that it wasn't serious, but if you want this thing with the new guy you need to not push your past flings and relationships in his face, because it makes people insecure and uncomfortable.
I'm not saying be rude to the friend, but don't be his best buddy either. Just stop hanging out with him a lot and tone it down, and keep a distance. I didn't get the impression that you and this ex are very close anyway, as it was a casual thing and he's ultimately the new guys friend, not yours. Mixing friends and relationships is a bad idea, and I honestly believe that once you've been intimate with someone you're never just "friends" afterwards, unless a looong time has passed and there has been zero to little contact.
You sticking to this ex of yours (I'm calling him ex just because it helps prevent misunderstandings about who's who), has been showing people that you are still close, and the new guy probably doesn't think you and the ex are quite done with each other yet...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would just like to point out that although some stuff did happen, I didn't sleep with him
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011): No OP, you do nothing at all.
Seriously OP this a guy thing. If your ex, his friend, had really deep feelings for you then you're off limits to this guy. Let them sort this out, if he really wants to be with you then he'll be with you, he'll get the okay from your mutual friend and he'll make the effort to get you.
I have to strongly disagree with Chigirl on this too. Do not cut off contact with the ex, he's your friend ditching any friend for the purposes of dating is a bitchy thing to do. It's conceited and he has done nothing to deserve losing you as a friend. It would not look with the new guy if you just ditched his friend for no good reason. Plus what if this guy is only using that as an excuse and he's not really that interested in you? You'd lose them both then because you'd be pissed with the guy you wanted and the ex would be pissed at you for ditching him.
Trust me if you do these kind of things to "hurry it along" then you may end up with a guy who isn't really interested but only got with you because it was convenient and easy. Let him do the work just let him know you're willing and available but seriously let him make the effort. Because it's not a good sign when someone holds back OP and you will get really hurt if it turns out the thing bothering him wasn't what he said but in fact a case of him not being that into you. If he likes you, he'll make it happen. If not then you lose nothing.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (5 December 2011):
It takes time. Next year this probably will not be a problem at all. It depends on the relationship you had with the friend, if it was casual (like you described it) it shouldn't take too long to get over, maybe a year. But if it was something more serious it'd take longer, maybe 3-5 years, proportional to the length and seriousness of the relationship.
I had a casual arrangement with a guy 9 years ago, and then about one year ago started dating his close friend. Even after 8 years it was a little something that needed to be cleared away for him. It wasn't a problem at all, but he still felt he had to "check" with his friend that it was ok. Of course though, after 8 years with me and this other friend not even talking to each other, it wasn't a problem as whatever had been 8 years ago was long dead, haha.
However in this case you and the friend were going at it not too long ago, which means it can conflict with their friendship. And their friendship comes first, so out of respect to his friend he needs to give it time until there is no doubt that moving on with you is 100 percent ok.
If your still friends with this friend of his, I think the best option for you, if you want to hurry things along, is to cut that friendship. Don't be friends with your ex, no matter the casualness of the relationship. If you aren't his friend then whatever was between you will pose as less of a problem for you moving on with the new guy.
So, if you want this new guy, cut the contact with the best friend and make a clear stance that you do no longer "belong" or are "connected" with this best friend. That'll increase your chances of getting with the new guy, but I still think you will need to let time pass before it's ok in his book. Maybe 6 months if you cut all contact with the best friend.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011): Sorry hun, but you need to write this guy off. You can't sleep with one guy and then get into a relationship with a close friend of his, it just doesn't work that way. People aren't built to be okay with that stuff.
I understand that you just slept with his friend but you were never officially "together" with the friend. But that difference is going to make it even harder for your new guy to deal with it, not easier. A guy needs to feel like his GF is a prize to have. It doesn't work when his friend has gotten to sleep with her already.
Even for women this would be a huge sticking point. Would you really be okay with the fact that your close friend used to sleep with your man? I don't think so.
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