A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:HELLO EVERYBODY!!!I'm just going to come straight out and say it. I had sex (several times) with a guy who I only now realise I really, really freaking liked. The sex wasn't fantastic (for some reason sex is never that great for me), but he climaxed several times in the space of a few hours... So. Uh. I guess that means he enjoyed himself, haha.Anyway!The first time he made a move on me, I refused him and went home. This was after our first date, which had gone quite well even though I was scared shitless (excuse my language). After I got home I had a little think about it and realised that I wanted to try and experiment with someone who I wasn't very attached to anyway, so resolved to maybe have a 'go' on our next date, if he was up for it. He then told me on our next date/meet up that he was glad I'd refused him and that it gave him a chance to think about what he wanted, i.e. That maybe he didn't just want a one night stand (still with me agony aunts? Sorry if I'm babbling!).I didn't really know what to make of this, because I hadn't really felt a spark with him yet even though he was by faaaar the funniest guy I'd met in a long time - not to mention a great head of hair and a beautiful smile that liked to show itself often. So... later that day one thing led to another and I ended up staying the night. And several nights sporadically over the next few weeks.Basically, I didn't know what the hell I was doing, and I still don't. All I know, is that we weren't just enjoying the sex. I honestly thought we were on our way to becoming really good friends, and then hopefully more. We both went home for the Easter holidays (after our prolonged intimate soirée), with plans to meet up and go cycling/exploring/dating after we had both returned, and it all went cockbollocks with one phone call. I won't go into details, but he basically told me he wasn't interested anymore... That he had felt 'sparks' with other girls, but not me. This was after I'd told him (at his request) whether I was interested in anyone else. I'd admitted that there was another guy who I was a little interested in from a previous romantic endeavour, but I explained that it WASN'T happening. The 'no-sparky' thing didn't bother me that much. The only sparks I've ever felt were for some foreign sixth former called Zeno when I was 13 years old in high school, and a maths teacher while I was training as a mentor a few years ago - I KNOW that sparks don't mean much unless there's something deeper. They're surface, and disappear when the illusion disappears too. Most people think sparks are more serious then they actually are because of unreciprocated affection which leads to 'open ends'. Where they're fantasies of 'what could be' remain undiminished, and reality takes time to set in. Well, anyway. I'm not good on the phone - in fact I'm not really good in person either. I can be unbelievably shy and crazily confident all in the space of a couple of hours, but it's my curse that I am shy, mute and dumb around people I admire. I become flat. Sometimes I scare myself with how flat I can be, and I spend a lot of time trying to become a better, funner, more interesting person, with exciting stories to tell. I WANT to be exciting, and DO exciting stuff. It's only now dawned on me that this guy that no longer seems interested... Was actually helping me become this person. He was on a pedestal of my own making sure, but he had earned it. He was so open and honest with me, and he didn't seem afraid of showing me to his friends (and going out together), acting silly, sharing his favourite games with me. He seemed to enjoy my company even when I was in one of my 'dull' phases, which with him, were sadly frequent, haha.He had told me once that he had shown some of my artwork to his sister, and that she thought I was someone she could be friends with... He'd made me hope that one day I might be going with him to a family gathering of some kind. He said that. And now we don't even talk. I want to break the ice somehow and just get us back on track, but I feel like a don't have a right, or that he'll refuse me and I'll be thrown into torment again when I'm just beginning to come out of it. I am famous in my family for having torturous breakups, haha. They think that I think too much about it all. I think they're right.I was going through a somewhat emotionally empty period of my life, and he was breaking me out of it. Now I feel worse than ever! I can't function. I don't enjoy my work, I'm failing my university course, and I am avoiding social activities. I hate walking by his place on the way to the town centre, scared that he'll coincidentally walk out at the same time. I'm scared of going into my place of study because he works there too.I thought he thought that we had something going, even if it was different to what he had with other girls. I've realised now that he does 'this' (being very friendly, open, flirty) with everyone. Which is a good thing - but it made me understand that I wasn't special to him. I was just another experiment which might fail, or might succeed. And I must have failed,We haven't spoken in weeks. Not properly - not since the phone call. He did try and chat to me once at Uni, but I barely looked at him twice because I just... filled up with anger. Then I walked out. I don't even know why I was angry, haha. He hadn't done anything wrong. He asked my sister how I was, and she helped me out a little by saying that I was busy with uni work and that he probably won't hear from me.I don't know what to do. I'm sick of thinking about him and wishing we could start over. I hate that I made plans from his semi-promises. I had this wonderful and naïve notion that he would help bring me out of my pedestal induced shell and that I could finally engage with him the way he was engaging with me - openly and freely. Full of humour and passion for what he enjoys... Being active, going on adventures, reading and creating art and games. Sometimes I tell myself that it wouldn't have worked because we were too alike in general, but too different in the thing that mattered most. He's an extrovert. He doesn't seem afraid of rejection - he goes with the flow. Me and my silly heart are constantly scared of rejection. I'm a natural introvert who wants to be an extrovert, but chokes in her attempts to do so.I doubt he gives me a second thought these days, which makes it even more painful.I don't know whether to give up and give in, or try again somehow. He said he wanted to always be my friend, and yet he's not treating me like one.
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flirt, move on, one night stand, period, shy, spark, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSure, maybe the question is vague and long, but I am HURTING here, and just because sex is in the mix doesn't mean it's the main focus of my post. Other people's answers have corroborated my own conclusions and helped me set my priorities straight.
A
female
reader, Anonny +, writes (16 May 2015):
I was going to say I usually skip long winded questions - but this has got to be one of the best written ones on the forum. I guess you must be studying English? Don't let this guy interfere with your studies. You are young and will have plenty of time for men afterwards.This guy, like many others, just seemed to be shopping around until he finds a girl that he gets a 'spark' with. One of the worst things you can do, if you want to hold on to a man long term, is have sex with them as soon as they want it. It makes you seem cheap and he's now got what he wants and doesn't need to chase you anymore.Be grateful you have some memories together with him and that you still are in touch - there may always be another time again with him - who knows? But he doesn't really sound like he's going to be Mr Right I'm afraid!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (15 May 2015):
 The sparks or lack of them he was talking about was probably the fact that you are not as expressive and bubbly as other girls he had met. You are introspective and like to analyze things. He really needs open admiration for anything to work, not just FWBs. I think the truth is that you didn't put him on a pedestal as much as other girls did. At least you don't show it on the outside.
Maybe during Spring break he was expecting you to contact him and to miss him. Since you didn't he assumed you weren't interested in that way. Maybe he befriended another girl and there was more going on in that friendship. When he asked you about another romantic interest it was to see if that's the reason why you didn't seem so interested in him. When you answered yes you had someone in the past it made him think you weren't over that guy. He would have no clue that it was your fear of rejection that made you afraid to speak up.
You have to figure out why you are emotionally empty. Is it a period of the dark night of the soul, or is your college not offering what you need?
Overall there was not enough certainty of what you two are. When you want a relationship you won't just experiment to see if casual sex would work. Guys would assume that because you don't speak up about what you want then you are not interested in a relationship.
I am guessing you went along with the sex because that's easier than facing rejection when asking about the relationship status. Am I right?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (15 May 2015):
 You know, as MUCH time, effort and thoughts you put into this guy... YOU SHOULD really put into your school work. Failing your class over a FWB that didn't go as you had hoped for, is NOT smart - and you SEEM smart otherwise. So wise up, girlie!
You should have listened to what he said when he ON the second date, HE TOLD YOU that it was good you had turned him down for sex. I think you SHOULD have turned him down a few more times. He wasn't sure about the chemistry after the first or second date... HE had sex with you, because you offered. Free sex, many guys (and girls) jump at that. You had sex because you thought it could be fun + you HOPED it would lead to more. It's a pretty CLASSIC girl mistake.
A flirtatious and chatty guy doesn't MEAN he is invested IN you OR... interested. Like you seemed to have discovered, HE is that way with ALL the girls. You are "nothing" special to him.
YOU have taken THAT (that you are nothing special to him) as a rejection of your personality and who you are. BUT it really isn't. I think this guy GENUINELY doesn't WANT a relationship, he wants to be "free" to flirt, have NSA (no strings attached) sex, and "befriend" as many girls as possible. He likes the attention, no.. correction, HE LOVES the attention from girls. You also mentioned that you put him up on this "OMG perfect guy pedestal" which makes YOU think you are "unworthy" - but you are not. HE and YOU... not a great match.
He said he wanted to be your friend... Well, he lied. He used that tiresome old phrase because he thought it was "letting" you down easy. And that is EXACTLY why he isn't TREATING you like a friend.
He got his (sex) from you, now he is on to the next girl and the next..... WHILE you.... are wasting your time at Uni yearning after a guy who is NOT half as great of a guy as you think he is. You are WASTING your EDUCATION beating yourself up and idolizing this guy.
TAKE it for what it was. A few dates, a few roll in the hay, a few nice conversations - nothing more. I know it's not what you hoped for, but sometimes, it is what it is.
Get back into those books and study. Let him pretend to be the Campus stud.
Chin up, honey... He was a DUD... not a STUD.
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