A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Been dating my boyfriend for 4 months now, we are both in our 40s, I have children but he doesn't. We live in different towns around 30 mins drive away.I would say we see each other around 3-4 times a week depending on his football plans.When we first started dating he was quite obsessive but has calmed down because I found this too much.We broke up around a month ago because he was rude and disrespectful to me one night when he was staying over in my house. He then sulked for the rest of the night.I am an easy going, nice person but value my space, time with my children and expect to be treated with respect in my house. I bring my children up to be like this although as teenagers they sometimes don't lol.After a week's break we did get back together because I do have strong feelings for him and missed him. Everything seemed to be going ok until last week. He bought me a commitment ring to prove how serious he was about it, which was lovely and then he proceeded to become very clingly and needy and miserable.I feel he is forever draining me of my energy with his constant attention seeking and the one time I decided to have a Saturday night to myself to just chill out and watch tv by myself, he spent the whole day with a face like a wet weekend and moaned all day. I never complain when he went to football matches or I couldn't see him until the evening because he was playing football. Why kick off just because I wanted a night for me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have talked to him about things, in fact if you put the time together it would be the equivalent to 4 days lol. He sits and listens and agrees and can see things from my point of view and then he goes home, sleeps on it and nothing changes.I do agree that he is very insecure and he would be more than happy for me never to leave the house unless it is with him. I have done nothing to make him not trust me, but I think he has issues from a past relationship.I think his behaviour has got worse since I got a new job which I started this week. I feel it is ok when he is doing his own thing, he doesn't seem to bothered about me but he is now saying I resent his life?His life consists of football and going to the gym, his mum does his laundry and he has a small flat to keep clean.My life, 3 wonderful children, 2 are at uni, 2 crazy dogs, a house, a new job and myself.Not quite sure which part of his life I would resent? If I want some me time I can do that.At the moment he is ignoring me and making digs indirectly at me through FB. I'm not going to delete him, as he would think I was up to something lol.Things came to a head last night with the nasty things he was saying to me, and its over and there will be no going back. I really don't want a life where I feel a prisoner in my own home. Thank you all for your advice, was the things I was thinking too x
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (10 May 2012):
Hi there. It sounds like you and him need to sit down together and have a heart to heart chat about the way things are, and about how you feel about everything and about him.
It doesn't sound like this has happened up until now, but it sounds like it's necessary, if it's to stand the test of time.
It sounds like you are pretty committed to him, and would like it to go somewhere and he obviously feels the same way, so all the more reason to have a serious discussion as soon as possible, to clear the air once and for all.
It seems that he is equally committed to you, but he is very insecure in his ability to keep you by his side.
And he is obviously very scared of losing you.
The thing is, his insecure and possessive behaviour could well be the very thing that does cause it to end, if he's not very careful.
He's so scared that he will lose you that he becomes doubtful every time you want one single night on your own to just sit and watch tv.
Like he hasn't learnt to trust you, it seems.
Perhaps when you say that you want a night on your own, he suspects you might go out and see someone else!
Who knows what he thinks?
So all the more reason to have this talk and explain this to him, so he understands how his behaviour affects you.
He clearly doesn't have a clue of the impact he's having on the relationship, does he?
So you need to set him straight. And SOON. Sooner rather than later.
And when you do have this talk, be completely calm, open and honest with him about your true feelings and that you do enjoy a couple of nights a week on your own, and that you absolutely need your own space sometimes - as he does also.
You could also mention that he probably enjoys playing his football, just the same way you enjoy your 2 or 3 quiet evenings on your own every week, and that it's really important to you that he allow you that time to yourself.
You MUST stress this to him - and make it crystal clear!
If you don't make it clear to him, he will go on expecting to be there on your doorstep every single night without fail, and it will drive you NUTS.
When you explain how important it is to you, and that he has to learn to trust you, well then eventually he will have to accept it.
Really, he has not other choice. Especially if he wants to stay with you.
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A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (10 May 2012):
 Why are you with him if he makes you feel so miserable and he's draining?
sounds like your better off alone.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (10 May 2012):
 Hi
He is just too immature to cope with a grown up, independant woman. To accept you have children and a life of your own besides him. I assume you work and run a home too. He doesnt seem to have the skills to sit and talk about the relationship so sulks instead.He also sounds very insecure.
To be honest it doesnt sound like you have alot going in this relationship, bar the fact you have strong feelings for him. If they are strong enough to negotiate,teach and reassure him, then try to sit and discuss.
If not then let him go and find somebody who can accept you and have a relationship with you - I would imagine men in general would love an easy going woman who makes no demands!
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