A
female
age
41-50,
*ulz75
writes:Hi, I am new here. I am hoping someone out there will be able to give me some advice.Let me first just give you a quick update of past. I have recently split from my boyfriend of 2 years where we lived together nearly from the beginning. We were so happy and in love, we went through so much together, including homelessness, and me being only wage earner most of the time, but we still had each other and had some fantastic times too. I can't go into to much detail or I would b typing forever, but cut long story short, we had a real connection, but last 6 months had been hell.I had been really feeling the stress and pressure of him not finding work, and we were having stupid arguements. I could feel him getting distant but had no idea why at the time. well he found a job, and i thought "great we can finally have some fun and sort ourselves out", but since he started job he was getting even more distant. My sixth sense was telling me it was something to do with the bosses daughter at his new work (he works with her too).Well just over 3 months ago (which was 3rd week into his new job) he finished with me. I got home from work one morning and instead of saying hi he started an arguement. Cos I was tired and grumpy i bit back, and we argued, then he floored me with the "I need space, were over". I couldnt stop crying.....did all the wrong moves....begged him, got angry with him, made him feel guilty, etc (only since i have been reading online recently have i realised what i had done wrong). He couldnt move out straight away cos we had no money and he had to wait to be paid another month but after 2 weeks, but over those 2 weeks we did get back together but i think it might have been from his guilt, cos we split again then i just couldnt take anymore, I said he HAD to leave....i wasn't eating, sleeping, constantly sobbing my heart out. I get home from work one morning....and hes disappeared and taken all his stuff with him.....i was so gutted, but angry cos he promised he wouldnt leave without saying goodbye, and i knew he had no where to go....i phoned and txted until he answered.....he told me he was staying with a friend. We were both so angry and emotional, and i tried no contact didnt work i couldnt keep it up but nor could he, was constantly keeping in contact, i constantly harrassed him, then i went quiet for 3 days....he went to stay at his mums for the weekend after the 3 weeks at his "friends". he begged me to come to see him and then begged me to go back out with him i said yes straight away, but i said but u need to tell me the truth (cos i knew in my gut that girl at his work meant something to our breakup, turned out i was right - turned out to b the "friend" he stayed with for 3 weeks was his boss at work and surprise the girl lives there too its their daughter - i only found this out 3 weeks later when i went tosee him and told him if he ever wanted me to trust him he would have to tell me the truth which he did.I let this go to past cos everyone makes mistakes but i knew she was rebound, he realised that too and assured me she meant nothing and i did believe him. Now over next month or so we were ok, happy but not totally there yet, i was still angry, so was he, it was like a rollercoaster and emotions all over the place....but i would constantly harrass him and not give him space like he asked, then when i did he would get jealous if he popped to mine and saw friends round.It came to a head just over 3 weeks ago. I had friend round late for cuppa (happened to be late cos i didnt get home till late and met my male friend at shop he lives near me so he stopped in for coffee) well my ex hadnt been contacting me at all ignoring txts calls etc, so i had stopped. He happened to come round but i didnt know it....next thing you know hes phoning and txting like mad, whos guy in flat (i'm on ground floor and had left curtain open), i ignored his calls, then my mate left, but then i couldnt resist replying....in the end my ex came in for coffee, we chatted, it was quite uncomfortable, but i said sorry i'm tired, i said you can stay if you want...he did...we ended up in bed together....1st time in months we had been intimate. next day he said he felt connection, kissed me softly like he used to then left cos he had to get back to his new flat to let plumber in. then he started igonring me again (my fault i hadnt got his commitment before having sex), but i presssured him to much and in the end a week later....he tells me he doesnt have feelings for me anymore....i take letters up to his work 2 days later (his idea to see him), and we had arguement...then all of a sudden he was in a "complicated relationship" with that girl. i was feeling low, lost loads of weight, but i didnt react to much to it, then 2 days ago i said i'm ok with his new relationship...i did the no contact letter...accepted break up....now he putting all over his facebook how much they love each other....are in love....shes the girl of his dreams....its killing me....my goal has been to sort myself out and try to repair what we had....why is he doing this? i know him well and he has never spouted all over facebook, not in his nature, hes a private person....what is he playing at?This is prob not very understandable cos i am still a bit emotional and might be too long winded, but please please can anyone gice me advice?? I am trying to use one of the strategies i found online....ebook....no contact, etc, i am already feeling nearly me again as i have been working on relaxing, letting go etc....and have already realised what i did to contribute to break up....but have i pushed him too far with my constant stalking behaviour? constant txts and calls and by not giving him space?? i know i have pushed him into her arms....but to b "in love" with someone you have only known 3 months? but only actually been in relationship with for 2 weeks??? I know that they couldnt have spent too much time together cos most of times after those 3 weeks at hers he was either in his new place i helped him move into - with me - cuddling up in bed, at work or at mine, or i would be on phone talking to him constantly......is it too late.....i really feel i have lost the love of my life.
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at work, facebook, get back together, jealous, money, my ex, stalking Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, julz75 +, writes (9 December 2010):
julz75 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I thank you all for your good advice.
I had become obssessed, but it was only because he was still showing me how he cared most of the time.....i now he slept with her just after break up...but to b honest he had no opportunity after that cos i was with him most of the time....till just b4 he started seeing her in relationship.
I know i have to move on and get over him....but only for my own peace of mind and sanity....but i know deep down he does love me i just hope when he realises this he will come back for good.
Just gotta wait and hope....well not wait...go out enjoy being single for a while, start eating again make myself calm and well.
I'll keep u all posted on what happens next...if it does at all
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2010): Was the relationship you had so great when you really think about it? You are suffering a loss, so you dwell on all the good things and set aside the negative. It sounds as if you put a lot of emotional input in, maybe less than him.
The fact that he almost pushed you into be obsessive by his behaviour, then all the texts and phone calls. You made him feel cornered.
Chanced are you could never have got back to the pure joy of the early relationship. What you had became battered and broken. Sticking it back together can sometimes work if both sides are committed to it. But often there is little chance. So you are mourning what you had but cannot get back.
Sometimes you have to recognise a lost cause. Then you can set about getting over it and find a new relationship. He may feel he is 'the love of your life' now, but in six months you may well think you are best rid of him. Honestly.
So let youself grieve, and go for the No Contact rules. No texts, likewise phone calls. Do not go to his Facebook page (just tormenting yourself). He's out of your life. Why put yourself through any more pain? Good luck.
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A
female
reader, julz75 +, writes (9 December 2010):
julz75 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou for ur message pheonix....just to let u know though...he did find job.....hes now seeing girl he works with
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A
male
reader, the_phoenic +, writes (9 December 2010):
it may sound hard
but i believe that the pain and the agony
you'd put him in while he was jobless
has deeply effected him inside
some times women does deep emotional wounds
in the BF/husbands hearts with out thier realy intention or knowledge !
and therefor when he found another women that seems to be more financially secure he'd simply flew away
my solution for you may sound hard
being so clingy well get him only more distant from you
so set him free
if he love you he well come back
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