A
female
age
30-35,
*ndieCindy
writes:I have been in a relationship for 2 and a half years now. We've been so good together everyone always compliments on how good a couple we are. I met mg boyfriend about 6 months after the break up with my ex boyfriend which was awful. He totally messed my head up. He was very very controlling and violent and had no trust on me at all. I thankfully broke away from that relationship after 6 months. In sight of this I feel that I have picked up on all of my ex's bad traits and I have no trust at all in my boyfriend. My boyfriend has never cheated on me or has never really given me a reason not to trust him. I get really jealous if I see him speak to another girl or if another girl even acknowledges him on social media or anything like that. I have recently battled with depression and I feel so sad and insecure about myself. My boyfriend has told me I'm very controlling and he doesn't want to be with me as there is no trust and he feels he can't go anywhere without feeling I have a hold on him. I'm not a bad person I never used to be like this and I don't know what to do. I love him so much but I'm a broken person and have no idea how to rebuild my trust issues or get my confidence back. Please help me.
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cheated on me, confidence, insecure, jealous, my ex, violent Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2014): See your doctor about your depression. It may only be a symptom that you haven't completely recovered from your last broken relationship. It takes more than a measly six months to get over the trauma of an abusive-relationship. You dived into another relationship looking for emotional refuge and someone to lean on. All you brought with you were scars and open wounds.
I repeat myself over and over to people about rushing from a breakup right into a new relationship. It just isn't fair to the people who offer themselves to you in commitment; and it is just selfishness to take what you cannot give in return.
It's usually the same reason, "excuse" for a better word; that they have insecurities, trauma, or trust issues leftover from a past bad relationship. Then for the love of anything good, why would you drag this baggage into the life of someone totally innocent of doing you any harm?
It's always the other guy's fault. Sorry, but sometimes we have to own our faults and weakness. Take responsibility for our own behavior, and not use being a victim as an excuse for hurting other people.
We know right from wrong, and we know how we want to be treated. When two people breakup, both have some responsibility for what one did to the other. Rarely does anyone come out of a breakup entirely blameless. You're not to be blamed for abuse; but take responsibility for making a bad choice. There are red-flags and deal-breakers, and we all have built-in survival skills. We know when to flee from danger.
We also know that in order to have a good relationship, we have to be in the best frame of mind; and we offer the best version of ourselves to someone we want to care for us. We expect and deserve the same in return.
You are completely aware and cognizant of your responsibility for what ended this new relationship. The other ended; because of abuse and cruelty. Now you know you need to seek help for depression, and possible post traumatic stress from abuse.
You may now realize that you need to take more time before jumping into a new relationship; before healing and recovering from the previous one. You have also learned that people will not put up with your excuses, or the faults you can correct. Nobody is perfect; but that isn't an excuse for being reckless with other people's feelings.
You are very young. So you have to learn these things; and this prepares you for the future. You are receiving valuable lessons that will help you to form healthy and viable relationships in the future.
Now you have first-hand knowledge of what can destroy a relationship. These are trial relationships, and you have a long journey into life ahead of you. You'll pass and fail until you get it right. You will reap great rewards when you do.
So don't let these mishaps bring you down. Seek some counseling for that abuse, and get your head straight. Allow yourself to be young and to enjoy your freedom. Have friends, and date for fun. You don't always have to be tied-up in a commitment. You have to be single and independent to grow and discover your potential. Develop your power and strength as a woman.
Some only want a girlfriend or boyfriend to "own" other people in "possessive" way. To use them in a needy way.
That isn't love and it isn't healthy. You don't use people as painkillers, or to compensate for your own weaknesses.
I only know this because I'm older and experienced. I learned the same way you have. I had to live it, to know it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2014): You should probably seek counseling or join a support group for those who have trust issues and, in turn, exhibit controlling behavior.
A safe way to evaluate your actions is to see if you treat others the way you would want to be treated. You wouldn't want your boyfriend telling you not to talk to other guys or have male friends b/c it makes him jealous. Allow him to have friends. If other women start putting the moves on him (physically touching or over complimenting his looks), then step him aside and express your concerns.
Communication is key. Yes, cheaters can lie to your face and get away with it until the truth finally comes out. If there aren't tell-tale signs for you to distrust your SO, then don't. Problem is. What are tell-tale signs?
It's up to your judgement because everyone has different habits. Not texting for long periods doesn't mean someone is necessarily cheating. This is just an example. The more you get to know a person, the more you notice when they begin to act out of norm. That's when you know something's up and worth looking into. Be logical. Be reasonable. Try to step outside yourself when evaluating a situation. How would others react? What would be an overreaction?
About your insecurities, realize that you shouldn't seek approval from others in order to build your identity and sense of self. Be confident with your own likes, your own tastes, your own achievements, and your own ambitions. Boyfriends are secondary. When you're comfortable with yourself, losing a boyfriend isn't as life changing as it used to be. Once you realize that boyfriends aren't necessary for happiness, the less scared and insecure and controlling you will be.
Of course, this is just coming from me.
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