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female
age
41-50,
*ance1234
writes: I have a new partner (all started long distance) who I have been with on and off for 8 months - started in Feb - broke up on Mar 24 then he went home - came back in June - lived with me till mid Sept - then went home to get space and is back to me soon within a matter of days - so spend the whole of this month taking time out and space to figure if this is working or not. He bought an engagement ring for me - its beautiful - but he never proposed and thought to just propose in my living room in front of my kids - I said I don't like that idea as they might not be ok with it and secondly shows a lack of effort towards a proposal - we have both known each other for 15 years prior. He is divorced - and I am free too - my ex is taking me back and forth to court at present - its a domestic court case - we share 4 kids but I have 5 kids in total. I am worried that as I have never been married before - was with my ex for 11 years but he never married me -that now that money is an issue due to it getting eaten up with the court stuff that I won't be able to afford a dress or do normal things that most people do when they get married - I am also disturbed at the lack of an effort from him apart from the ring - the ring I consider effort... so he bought this ring and video call me and we picked it together which was v new age of us. He asked me well what do you want as a proposal and I'll do it - I said romantic setting just between the two of us and you tell the kids after - I am v down that he doesn't seem that bothered to do a proposal or so it seems - I asked how did he propose to his ex wife he said he accidentally told 3000 people on one of her newsletter groups when he thought he had simply said by private message and that is why she said yes - his other lady that he was engaged to is still friends with him smh - she is married to someone else but he has an emotional connection to her to the point where he can't rid of her without shedding tears! in the past he proposed to her in the car and she took the ring he gave her and not only cheated on him which she said sorry for later and he forgave her for but married someone else. He was with that ex for 3 years. When he was with me he wished her a happy birthday behind my back by DM and she said thanks. His ex wife of 26 years told me she thinks he is a covert narcissist so that worries me hence her going no contact and blocking him completely. My question is - if he has no idea how to be romantic and has not planned a proposal but is asking me for ideas - am I right to feel upset by this??? like as if he is not making enough effort to get this right - given its my first time thinking to do this I feel v v let down - any opinions would be appreciated - he told me he doesn't want to continue to stuff up with me either - and well yeah that's fine but why did I have to ask him if he is proposing? and now he wants to cross check that for fear of getting it wrong
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broke up, divorce, engaged, ex-wife, his ex, long distance, money, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2022): Most women think with their heart and emotions instead of their brain and here is a good example. You saw a ring! Wow. For all you know it is plastic, not even a real gem, one of the cheapest rings out there. But anyway he gets excellent value for money by showing you ring. Totally hooked for ages. If he were having to pay you money for your devotion and attention it would cost far more, but because he puts a little bit of money into a ring that ring becomes worth the crown jewels. Even if he bought you a hundred expensive rings it should not have so much weight in your mind, you still decide rationally.
Some women drop their knickers for a guy if he proposes or says he loves them or promises them he will leave his wife or buys them a ring. Jeesus. It should take a whole lot more than that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2022): Typo correction:
"You are not only bringing another man into [your] life, but into the lives of your children; after being warned by his ex-wife."
P.S.
It's only my opinion, but dealing with a messy divorce; and a marriage proposal at the same time, is way too much!!! You have to concentrate on stabilizing your life; and getting that divorce issue far out of your way. You are not in a good emotional state of mind, to be making a decision about marriage; when the first-one is still a thorn in your side.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2022): Don't be fooled or mesmerized by sparkly things! Guys who buy engagement-rings like he did sometimes use them to manipulate and throw you off balance.
To tell you the truth, I'd take heed to a warning that someone is accused of being a narcissist. You've seen the ring, and you've instantly let your guard down; even when you see some red-flags glaring at you.
I often give OPs this very simple advice. Read your post back to yourself a few times. Read it aloud, so it resonates. Then read the advice given by readers, aunts, and uncles.
Then your common sense will kick-in; and you'll make a wiser decision. Girlfriend, you're still in the upheaval of a divorce; and you've got some guy already dangling a diamond in your face. Diamonds don't guarantee the giver is the right-guy to marry. You better read your own assessment of the situation, and then decide. I sense that something is off about the guy; and somehow I think you're having the same gut-feeling. You're letting the engagement-ring cloud your better judgement.
For the moment, you've got enough on your plate. Marriage, in this case, better be seriously and most deliberately well-considered. You are not only bringing another man into you life, but into the lives of your children; after being warned by his ex-wife. You've known him for 15 years? Then you must have some idea if what his ex-wife is saying has some legitimacy. You've know them both for sometime. Then why are you here asking strangers what to do at Dear Cupid? Trust your better judgement, my dear.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (12 October 2022):
 Strange that someone of your age and experience still sees the proposal and the wedding as the "happy ever after" instead of what they really are - the start of your future life together.
Your boyfriend isn't over his ex yet. He dips in and out of your life as it suits him. You are involved in legal battles with your ex. Despite all this, all you can focus on is how your boyfriend is going to propose and how you can afford the wedding you want? Really? You are a mother of FIVE children. You need to start looking at the bigger picture here. Someone who dips in and out of your life is not good for you or for your children.
The pair of you need to be much more stable and settled before you even consider accepting any sort of proposal from him, otherwise this is all going to end in tears - yours and your children's.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (11 October 2022):
 The LEAST of your worries right now is HOW he should propose!!
Deal with your ex and the court case FIRST.
Secondly, a relationship that is OFF/ON is PROBABLY not going to work out long term, someone who "needs" breaks in a relationship is NOT going to STOP "needing" that once you marry. If the relationship is shit a ring on your finger is not automatically going to change it.
His ex-wife COULD be lying and just talking smack, however, she might also be trying to SAVE you from making the SAME mistake SHE made.
And then there are the kids. This new love interest of yours should be NOWHERE near your kids this soon. And especially NOT when your relationship is this fragile. KIDS do NOT need people coming into their lives making grand gestures and then pissing off for 3 months to "think".
You NEED to put your kiddos first.
Yes, I get that you would like to try this whole marriage thing but that doesn't mean you have to marry the first guy who buys you a ring!
The proposal should be on HOLD until the two of you can build a sustainable and healthy relationship for at LEAST a year and then you can talk engagement and marriage.
Your kids need stability. You need to sort out your life before jumping into something as SERIOUS as marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2022): You barely know each other! How is he going to know what kind of proposal you would like when it's only been eight months and some of that apart because he needed space. I doubt that he knows very much about you and that you know little about him. Marrying the man seems incredibly premature and ill-advised.
And the fact that the proposal wasn't to your liking sounds to me like the very least of your problems! I would wager that the marriage will not be to your liking and judging by how hard the guy is trying to please you, the marriage won't be to his liking either.
It does sound as if he cares a great deal about pleasing you and just because he doesn't know instantly how to do that and isn't a mind reader, you shouldn't get upset in my opinion, no.
You should be going into marriage, sure and happy. Happy that you're marrying the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. If you were, then proposals and subsequent posting of the photos etc onto social media platforms would not be concerning you at all.
I can't even REMEMBER how my husband proposed to me! It's not important!!
Your wedding and marriage are what you make them. You can concentrate on all the imperfections you like, but if you're marrying the man you love, why would there be any??
I would wager that if proposals etc and posting photos on social media is more important to you than the man you're marrying, then you're marrying the wrong guy. In my humble opinion.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 October 2022):
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