A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years. We started dating our junior year of high school. We are both the same age now. I've been out of college for two years and he still has a year left.I guess now that I'm done with school and found a good job, I'm starting to think more about our future. In doing so I've realized that I'm not even sure if he is the one. He is a great guy, but I'm still not fully convinced he is the one. Is it normal to feel this way after being with someone for so long? Should I wait a couple of more years to see if this changes? I'm just afraid that I'll waste my precious twenties waiting for some magical moment that may never come. I'm also afraid that if I break up with him I'll make the biggest mistake of my life. He is a wonderful man. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2013): sounds as if you love him deeply, but your not IN love with him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCindycares, that's my problem. I know I'm with someone who will be a great companion, provider and father to my children. We also share the values. But he just doesn't give me that "He is the one feeling" anymore. I'm guessing its because we see things differently and aren't very similar. So I guess my new question is do I stay with what safe a secure or do I chase after that feeling that never really lasts?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCindycares, that's my problem. I know I'm with someone who will be a great companion, provider and father to my children. We also share the values. But he just doesn't give me that "He is the one feeling" anymore. I'm guessing its because we see things differently and aren't very similar. So I guess my new question is do I stay with what safe a secure or do I chase after that feeling that never really lasts?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2013): Its perfectly normal my friend. It happens to a lot of young couples who get together at teenage age and then drift apart or mature at different rates as they move into their twenties.
What we want from a relationship and partner at 17 or 19 and still studying is very different from what we want at 23 or 25 and in the world of work and responsibility. We tend to think that when we get to 18 we are "adults" and that we have done all our maturing but in fact we change, mature and learn just as much, possibly more, between 19 and 25 than we did when we were 10 through to 16.
My first love was 16, I was 17, when we met. We got on well, shared the same view on life, the same ambitions, the same outlook if you like. We both went to university and had a great time despite the fact that we were a year apart.
Then I left Uni and went into the "real world". I had a culture shock as I struggled to find work, which knocked my confidence, and having found employment was bullied by my manager. Not long after this a close friend was killed in an accident. My GF was still at Uni and enjoying her life whereas I was now living, in what I felt at least, was a different world to her.
We both wanted to move to America (from the UK) and that had been our ambition and dream. Except to us it wasn't a dream it was a forgone conclusion LOL. But after just six months out of my studies I had grown up, realized my ambitions and views of the world had been naïve and become a different person. Yet my Gf was still at university and had stayed the same.
We split up and it hurt but now i know it was the right choice. Im 35 now and I soon moved on and met other people. I don't think the story ive just told you is untypical.
It does sound like you have drifted apart. You say you don't want to waste yoru precious twenties waiting for a magical moment that will probably never come. Your twenties will fly past quicker and quicker (as im sure your sick of folk telling you but its so true!) and you don't want to get stuck in a rut.
I do think the fact that you've been out of college for two years while hes still there for anther year doesn't help. Im sure you have gained a lot of experiences since leaving your studies and that has shaped you into, for the want of a better word, an adult. You have probably moved on from him in that respect.
Mark
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 March 2013):
I guess basically what you are saying amounts to " I love him but I am not in love with him ".
I doubt if you haven't managed to fall in love with him in 7 years, the next two years will bring any relevant change.
Maybe he is a great guy and a wonderful companion, he just has not got that mysterious " je ne sais quoi " that makes you say : that's it . This the one.
It's hard to advice you because on one hand I realize how unreasonable and capricious could feel to discard a perfectly compatible match just because he does not give you butterflies in the stomach or accelerated heartbeat, all sensations that anyway are not going to last for a lifetime.
Then again, I believe that if you are not absolutely elated, thrilled, overjoyed at the idea of mattying somebody, then don't even bother. Marriage ,living together ,raising a family are hard things to do, and a couple is always exposed in time to be worked on the sides by all sort of punches , among which boredom and habit are the most insidious. If you don't have a big stash of enthusiasm put away, that can be unearthed and resurrected at certain times , uhm, I don't know.
I guess most would depend from your personal wants and needs and expectations, for some people it makes perfect sense to get married without a special passion, as long as it is a sensible investment in terms of security, peace of mind and general affinities. Other people would be forever niggled by the feeling that this is not " it ", something is sorely missing.
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