A
female
age
36-40,
*ngelic88
writes:I recently posted a question a few weeks ago about my situtation of after a long break apart, my ex boyfriend is claiming and insisting he is a changed man. We have met up occasionally as "dates" which often led to dicussing our relationship and set some closure on why our relationsip fell apart in the first place, and hes trying to persude me to give it another go but I have this gut feeling that he is just saying and doing what I want to hear and see. Here are some examples:He now claims, he is no longer negative (he was a very negative person) and now sees things differently and the break has given him a chance to "reflect on how negative he was" and hes more positive now and feeding me which feels like OTT positive vibes "you are very talented, and a great people person, you'll ace it and I have every faith in my body in you passing. I am so proud of you". Hes been showing off his smile even more than he ever did in the 2 years we were together (hes a very serious person) which I cant tell if its fake or not.He shows off how many new foods hes been trying where before I use to get frustrated with his lack of effort trying anything new besides chips, burgers and pizza. So one day he tried a lasange, he took 3 mouthfuls and said he was "full" instead of addmiting he didnt like it.He nows claims that money is "just money" where before he was extremely careful with it which was a good thing compared to how he is now by almost flaunting it like its nothing to him.For someone who wanted a child more than anything in the world and originally isisted that we should have kids before marriage because he didnt want to be too old being a father....Now claims he wants them last or not atall (which is my belief)And finally before our last meet up he was telling me how much he didnt want to loose me and how much he wanted to save us, and he lashed out at me that I only want to "date other men" till the other day he said "If you dont want to try again I wont stop you, im not going to fight for you. If you want to date other people I wont like it but so be it". I just dont know how to feel anymore. I appreciate his efforts to try, but is it really genuine? Because hes given mixed signals to how he use to be or say to now.. Theres no point pretending your a new person when you know in time it will dwindle and thats whats stopping me from trying. In the end of the day he should be doing it for him not me. And he insists its all for him, but then why does he keep bringing up all these changes and show off about them to me? He was always a complicated person beforehand where I never could tell if he was being truthful or not by often hiding what he really thinks or feels till an argument occured and it would all lash out in the heat of it. No matter what I say now he has an anwer for evething, so matter what I question him on hes already got an answer and I dont know what else to say or do. Would you say he really has changed?
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (16 November 2018):
 You have a gut instinct for good reason. For crying out loud, listen to it. And secondly but just a importantly, stop messing this guy around. Unless you are wanting to get back with him, stop going on "dates" with him. It gives him false expectations.
He is bending over backwards to be what YOU want him to be. It is not what he REALLY is and you know it. You have seen the REAL person and you didn't get on with him. How long do you think he can keep up this false front? More importantly, is it fair to expect him to compromise on everything he believes just to make you happy?
Hold out for someone who genuinely wants the same things in life as you do. Don't try to force a square peg into a round hole. It just won't fit. And stop yanking this guy's chain by "dating" him. Cut him loose to find someone who will be a better match for him. You know you both deserve better.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 November 2018):
 If all the changes (or the majority of them) are thing you pointed out as "flaws" or things that wasn't compatible with you...
Then I think he is trying to BE the man you want him to be and this "change" or "act" won't last.
The fact that YOU don't TRUST him now and you didn't trust him fully before, that isn't going to change IN your because HE has decided to be a better man (even if it is temporarily).
Now, he might actually want to change and that can help him in his future, whoever, YOU know the old him like the back of your hand and you WILL be waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I think sometimes there is just too much water under the bridge to make a broken relationship work again. You can't erase the past (neither can he) and you can't really start over with him with a blank slate because there IS history between you two.
I honestly think that you BOTH will do better with a NEW partner. A partner that is better SUITED to each of you and your temperaments and personalities.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 November 2018):
 His changes are topical and probably not long lasting. Real change comes when you reconcile with sad things that happen in the past and can feel at peace with your life today. You don't want an effort at acting. Change has to come from within so that even when you are not smiling or doing anything at all, loving energy effortlessly flow from you. A negative person who caused you to want to break up should not be dating at all. It's better for you to meet someone else. He may need psychotherapy or cognitive behavioral therapy. If he thinks that just saying certain things and being the opposite of how he acted before would win you back, then he has very little understanding about relationships.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (16 November 2018):
 I just have one stupid question.
Are you looking for someone who doesn't say what you want to hear? or do what you want to see?
to rephrase the question, Is there actually anything this guy could do to win you back?
Best you tell him right away.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2018): In some ways you are asking the question after the fact.
And the fact of the matter is that you have already started the process of reconnection.
Your guy has taken some of the blame for the failure of your relationship on board and is trying to impress you.
However he sees you are uncertain about the need to rekindle and he has allowed himself to think the unthinkable: that you could still be talking to him but he has no right to stop you from seeing other men or sleeping with others.
This is a huge emotional adjustment and would indicate that he has reached a stage of acceptance.
If you haven't pushed the reconnecting to a physical level then it might quite possibly be the kindest thing to allow him to move on.
Because somewhere out there he may find a woman who loves the same things he does and who is desperate to bear his children.
It is a bit unhealthy to think that you can mould someone into what you want.
They will never feel natural about themselves and also it is rather cruel to deny someone the children they crave to have as family.
This family-friendly man is bound to meet a pizza and chips type of girl and it may be best if you allow him to go and seek her.
You just have to be non judgemental and encouraging to him to let him know that he is entitled to have the life he wants.
If on the other hand you want to be the chip loving gal then you have some catching up to do as uncertainty is breeding an insecure future for you both.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (16 November 2018):
 You broke up for a reason. The relationship doesn’t work and you’re not a good match.
Having another go won’t be any different, he’s likely to slip back into his old ways and remind you why you broke up in the first place. You already are doubting how genuine these ‘changes’ are and it’s with good reason.
Move on, tell him it’s over. Find someone that you don’t need to give second chances.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2018): No he cannot have possibly changed that much, he has reinvented his whole personality to suit what you want to hear!!
Too much emphasis on telling you 'I have changed' if he really had you would notice and he wouldn't need to say. He is 'trying' to change to suit what you want, nothing wrong in making changes and some are doable but chances are he will fall back into who he really is because people fundamentally are who they are. Yes we can make efforts to be kinder, to be more positive but by our mid thirties most of us are who we are, that is my opinion anyway.
I think you just need to ask yourself if you can accept him warts and all, see how it goes by all means still but if how he was caused the split I don't see much changing can you?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (16 November 2018):
 Probably not, its very difficult to make changes to yourself in a short period of time, it can take months, or years of conscious effort and often also requires the input of sessions with a counsellor or therapist.
The fact he is lashing out is a red flag. There is also the issue of your gut feelings, that's your intuition, or inner voice, kicking, in, I suggest you listen very carefully to it.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (16 November 2018):
Probably not, its very difficult to make changes to yourself in a short period of time, it can take months, or years of conscious effort and often also requires the input of sessions with a counsellor or therapist.
The fact he is lashing out is a red flag. There is also the issue of your gut feelings, that's your intuition, or inner voice, kicking, in, I suggest you listen very carefully to it.
Good luck!
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