A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:What should I do about this relationship?. I will just tell you what happened recently. I have been with my boyfriend just over a year. There have been a lot of times where we have argued. He has a very short fuse. I feel like I am walking on eggshells all the time wondering when he will go mad at me again. A few days ago, he wound me up saying that because I had been accusing him of seeing someone else, he might as well go around sleeping with women. He said this to me in front of one of his friends. I accused him of that because he ignores me a lot and gives reasons not to meet up with me a lot, such as yesterday, he said he would meet up with me, then said he couldn't because he was tired and under a lot of pressure. He said he would see me today. However, I told him that I was still very hurt about his comment about sleeping with other women. I said that he wouldn't say that if he loved me. I kept trying to call him, but he kept ignoring me. I told him that I had been talking to his sister about how he had been treating me. He said at first that he was ok with me talking to his sister about us, and I could ask her anything. He gave me her phone number. His sister sent me a message saying that he hadn't cheated on me, but he is set in his ways. She also said that I should leave him because I am better than that. And she also said that he wouldn't hurt anyone, but he gets in a bad mood when he hasn't had a drink and said he will have said that about the women to get at me. I told him what his sister said to me, and he said he was really hurt that she had said that and said goodbye forever. It was weird though because he still put kisses on the text message. I'm not sure whether to stop contacting him, or just wait a while and see what happens. He has been making me feel very ill and worn out . It's been so bad that I didn't get up off the couch all day. I was just sat feeling depressed. He says sometimes he ignores me because he doesn't want to argue but I told him I need him to communicate with me. I still love him, but I'm not sure what to do.
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female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (16 January 2017):
 Do yourself a big favor and get out of this relationship now. Red flags are all around you, don't ignore them. The man has to drink to be in a good mood? That's a clear sign of an alcoholic...I was married to one (The mean kind) you don't need that. You're walking around on eggshells? Always nervous?? What kind of life is that..and then his own sister tells you its best to leave?? What else do you need? An engraved note telling you to get out??? Dodge the bullet honey...and run like hell. He's not worth the stress, the anxiety and the lack of trust. GET OUT!
A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (16 January 2017):
 Your partner should be there for you when feel down- not KEEP you there, for his own emotional/ power kick.
This guy is NOT a nice person. You're not stupid and you know this deep down... Because he's trying to constantly break you down and make you weak, so you gain enough strength. To leave you so much, you're so dependent on his validation and attention...dont wait there like a dog for his crummy morsels. He knows how bad of a mental state you're in, his sister's even involved!
Just cos he's mentally ill, why does that give him an excuse to make you worse??
Your post is one of those posts that are a are incredibly sad and worrying... If you stay with him a path to severe ruin. Please work on loving yourself and making yourself happy, because whatever "love"/ dependency you feel for him he is going to end up breaking you.
I used to go out with a guy with rage and drink problems... He wasn't actually a monster at heart, he just had VERY deep seated issues, and because he needed to be needed would play all.sorts of manipulative games, sending me crazy messages, then not answering for a couple days..
I wasn't in a great place when I got into the relationship, and he made all.my existing anxiety WORSE. I was breaking down at work, ended A&E a few times... Suicidal...
There are good and nasty mentally ill people out there... And when you get a NASTY person with mental issues this happens- you get a manipulative bully that gets by draining others.
Now please look at another thing- look at the GOODNESS out there- on DC, complete strangers worried about you trying to help you- more than HE has ever tried to do right?! He's treating you like a dog now, soon he'll be treating you like a cockroach.
So please reclaim yourself and get out of this situation. You deserve better (to state the OBVIOUS)
Take care
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 January 2017):
 This is a guy who is in his 30's or in his teens?
I have, to be honest with you and say that making blanket statements that he MUST be cheating when he doesn't give you the time of day is NOT help in a relationship. That is how you make someone very defensive.
Instead, I would have suggested that it's over because he doesn't seem to have the time for a partner and a relationship.
And talking to his sister about the relationship and how he is treating you? What is she going to do? Fix it for you? That is not her job. Why drag HIS family into the drama?
If I were you I'd listen to her though because she is right. He isn't good for you. She probably KNOWS him a lot better, so she IS speaking from experience. My guess is that she has seen over the years how he treats his GF's.
As for him? He sounds like a rather unpleasant person. Someone who tries to keep you in line by fear. And yes, walking on eggshells is usually out of fear. Fear for his next outburst. Fear of his next silent treatment.
It's been a year and the relationship hasn't gotten stronger, it has gotten toxic and dysfunctional - with you BOTH adding to that.
The whole "not answering your calls" is HIS way of controlling you. And you know what? It works. It makes you anxious and miserable when he does that. And it gives HIM control.
THAT IS NOT LOVE.
Start by loving yourself, OP.
If your best friend was dating a guy like this, would you tell her oh you can work it out, or tell her to get out now?
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (16 January 2017):
 Of course you're surprised, how often does a family member of your other half tell you you're too good for them?
I have an idea what you can do. Leave him and find someone who doesnt make you feel like this.
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A
female
reader, Yucy  +, writes (16 January 2017):
 Dear Anonymous,
I agree with the rest of the members. It is better to let go of a toxic relationship. Do you honestly really still feel any love from this guy? How many more times do you want to be ignored by him and be at the end of his short fuse?
I feel you have a better chance of having a good friendship with his sister rather than him. Just let go, let time heal the pain. You will find someone that loves and respects you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2017): Youcannotbeserious, my mum said the same thing about still being stuck that way with him years from now. Also, it is affecting her health. She said she keeps getting chest pains. I know he gets stressed a lot too, even from other things.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2017): I know this is personal, but we had intercourse for the first time recently, so that's why his comment saying he might as well sleep with other women hurt even more. I feel bad that I accused him of it, but I get suspicious and anxious when he doesn't answer the phone and gives reasons not to see me, as it happens too often.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2017): I have to admit, I was surprised when she said that she said I should leave him. I thought she would have just asked me to talk about it with him, or that she would talk to him about it. When I told him what she said, I was very upset, but I felt that he had to know about it so that it might make him realise how badly he has treated me. Also, I think she would have told him that to his face anyway. He has told me that his sister is the kind of person who tells it like it is, even to him. She has told him in the past to treat me better. She always asked him how I was. I don't think he was hurt because he cares about me. Maybe he was just hurt because it's a family member saying things like that about him. I am worried about what she will think if he tells her that I told her what she said, but then again, maybe she will think that he should be told as it is too. I sent him a message saying I don't think he is hurt. He kept rejecting my phone calls yesterday which got me more upset and anxious. I asked him to please talk to me about our relationship, and he told me to talk to his sister or my family. I had told him earlier that I had spoken to them before about our problems, which he had said a while ago that he was ok with that. He probably thought that his sister would just say nice things about him though. To be honest, I don't care if he is hurt, as he has hurt me a lot. Even my mum said it was raining my health. I hardly ate or drank yesterday. I just sat on the couch. I still feel very ill today. I don't know what to do to take my mind off it all.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (16 January 2017):
He has a short fuse, a drinking problem and purposefully says things to lower your confidence, what a catch, I can see why you want to stay in this relationship.
When his own sister is telling you to leave him that's a big red flag. Would you seriously want to build a future with this man? What happens when you're married and his temper possibly gets worse and then you feel trapped? Is it really worth it? Or time cut ties when there's no huge commitment?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (16 January 2017):
 What exactly do you get out of this relationship? You seem to drive each other to destructive behaviour patterns - you with your accusations of infidelity (for which you have no basis, unless you haven't mentioned something) and him with his short fuse and comments to wind you up.
Some people thrive on drama in relationships. Perhaps you are one of those and love the ups and downs? Why else would you have told him what his sister said? (That was a pretty shitty thing to do, in my opinion, but that's not the issue here.) The dramas in this relationship are already taking their toll on you, and this is after just a year. Can you envisage yourself 5 years, 10 years, 20 years down the line - still living the same life, still stressed, still anxious?
For crying out loud, if even his sister says you deserve better, LISTEN TO HER and get out.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (16 January 2017):
 Bloody hell, what is there here to love? Even his sister says you should leave him.
Him saying goodbye forever and then adding kisses to it was a control mechanism, to keep you hooked in.
He, and his family, use his drinking problem as an excuse for all his other bad points. Phht!
Feeling like you have to walk on eggshells is not a healthy way to live ... down the eggshell strew path lies heart problems, liver problems and mental health problems and a long life of misery. Is that really what you want?
Take his sisters advise and run for the hills!
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