A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have some concerns about my current relationship. I've been dating this guy for a few months now and everything seems to be great with us although we do have minor financial issues like many couples are having during the recession. I spend most of my time where he lives to the point he says I live there although not all of my items are located at his home and I don't pay rent either. I would like to move in with full time but here where lies the problems. He has an ex-girlfriend with whom he has a two year old son with and based on what he has told me about her(I've never met her and was told that she probably wouldn't want to meet me either which I have no issue with) is a rather rude and angry person who only cares about her son and his dad(my boyfriend). Then he tells me that whenever his son is over at his place, I can't be over there because if his child's mother saw me over there, she would throw a fit. He hides any of my items from view so she doesn't see them when she stops by the house with their son, took my feminine looking car seat covers off my car that I let him borrow for work so she wouldn't know that it was a lady's car when he stop by to see their son when he had gotten a fever, lied to her brother about who I was but yet parades me around his close friends and even asked me if I could leave the house for awhile before she returned to pick up their son who she unexpectly dropped off at the house while I was asleep in my boyfriend's room. Just last week, she stopped by while I was gone to drop some food off for their son to eat over at his place, she berrated him for having condoms and tampons (which I had brought over) in the bathroom drawer. Why she was even in his bedroom and bathroom is beyond me. I asked him why he hasn't told her about me yet and his excuse was, "I want to make sure that we are in a serious long term relationship before I tell her about you" which I call total BS to. I don't wanna appear jealous and insecure, but his actions just don't sit right with me. I feel that there maybe more to their relationship than he wants to tell me. His ex/child's mother doesn't live with him or pay bills there but with all this drama building up, I sure as hell don't want to either. He sees nothing wrong with hiding me from her and feels he is doing the right thing despite the fact I told him it hurts me very much that he is doing this. He also claims that she knows that she is no longer his girlfriend and knew that he was seriously dating someone else although she doesn't know about me personally. I would like the thoughts and opinions of the other users on this site. Do you buy his excuse for wanting to wait to see where this relationship goes(we've been dating for over three months now) or do you think that there is more than what he's dishing out? I feel he should let her know about me just because he plans on bring me around their son in the near future and if I were a mother, I would want to know that firsthand so it doesn't come as a surprise.I don't feel he has to go into great detail about the relationship,but just let her know. Let me know if you agree or disagree with his actions or justification for it because I sure don't.
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condom, ex girlfriend, his ex, insecure, jealous, tampon Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI found out my boyfriend lied to me about what kind of woman his son's mother was and told other females that she was a mean heartless woman. She is one of the sweetest women I've met and stated that she would have allowed her son around me granted if she would have known about me in the first place. He and I are not together and have been broken up for over a year now. Thanks again for your opinions about my situation though we finally discovered the truth about him last January.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI recently found out that my boyfriend was still seeing his child's mother which explains everything. Thanks for all your comments and observations.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to thank you all for your answers regarding this situation. It has given me the insight and that I had been lacking about this issue. I felt that it was important to seek the opinions of those not familiar with my situation in order to seek a positive perspective that wasn't either negative or one sided like the opinions of my family and friends. Getting a male point of view on this situation was especially helpful to me. I guess I felt that since we rushed every other aspect of our relationship, I was expecting him to do the same in this case as well. I told him even before I asked this question on the forum that I trust him enough to tell her about me. I am obviously somewhat supportive of what he's doing in order to ensure his relationship with his child considering the type of person his child's mother has been projected to be. I care more about him having a relationship with his son than anything else that I would give up my relationship with him if I felt that would protect his relationship with his son. I guess I was worried based on past relationship experinces that I had set myself up in a similar situation yet again. But now I see that's most likely not the case. Again, I thank you all for your opinions. You've been of very valuable help to me.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2010): I think you should just relax and respect his opinion. From what you've said, he hasn't said anything wrong. In fact, I applaude him for being cautious and wanting to be sure before disrupting the other people in his life, mainly his kid and it's mother. You have only been together 3 months. 3 months. That's squat in the bigger scheme of things. He's probably going to have hell to pay when the cats out of the bag, so why pressure him to take a beating from her for such an risky venture for a man in his position. Being together for 3 months still qualifies as NEW. Very new in my book but thats just me. But it's far too short a time to know whether it can work or not and he's got a kid to think about and an irate ex that factors in there also to worry about. I suggest just letting it go for now. It's a bit unreasonable for him to ask you to leave but for now you should if want to be with him. He had many things going on his life before you and you chose to enter into his world. So don't throw a wrench into the works out of selfish pride. If you stir up a bunch of shit for him and let's say, she makes it hard for him to see his kid because she's pissed- he's only going to resent you for pushing the issue. And rightly so because you're not giving him the benefit of the doubt and trusting he's doing what he knows is best. Let go of the pride a little, it may help.
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A
male
reader, Dizme +, writes (3 November 2010):
As a single father I have some familiarity with both your points on this. As a man, I do not like to have alot of confrontation and issues. Basically, not that women want drama etc, but I can only speak for myself. I don't want to make a stinky sittuation where there is already some possible tension. That being said I think that he should be honest with all parties involved. If he is serious about you and cares he will come to that conclusion. I would not push the issue but I would let him know that it is not ok with you. It will take him time to work up to it, but if in your gut you feel he will then do that, especially if the separation from his ex was within the past year. If your gut tells you that something else is going on then be cautious and direct. I am concerned about the ex being in his bedroom/bathroom. Have you asked him why she would be there and not use the guest bathroom (assuming there is one). Honesty and trust are very important in a relationship and if this early in the game that is not going on then you need to have a talk (please note I said talk, not argument). Lay everything on the table and try not to be accusatory but honest with the fact that these actions are shaking your confidence in your relationship. if the discussion becomes heated then take a break, and re-address when you are both calmed down. Angry discussion does nothing to resolve issues trust me having that now with my gf. It would almost appear that there needs to be closure with his ex. Try and encourage that while making sure you both agree what closure truly means. Good luck and I hope this helps you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): For a grown man and a father he is pathetic,this is his ex we are talking about only 2 explainations for this 1,he is still sleeping with her 2,he is afraid of her
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