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female
age
51-59,
*ztechmark5
writes: my parner keeps threatening to leave when we argue about my kids. we also have a baby, i only have one son living with us. my partner says he is honest with me and is trying to make our life better and because my 3 sons have all been in trouble with the police he says he is not going to put up with it and wants peacefull life. my middle son he doen't see as he is not allowed round, and my eldest comes around when he want something like money or a ciggerette and he brags about what he has done. for example today he rang me he just started a job and wanted to borrow some money for lunch and because i said ok, we had a row and he threatened to leave. he is driving me mad because he says he loves me and will marry me but he hates all my kids, my youngest son lives with me and its hard being stricked with him, i understand what my parner feels and try to do what he says but feel torn, i love him and cant imagine splitting up but will it ever work?he argues over every single thing involving my kids
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female
reader, advicegirl  +, writes (10 January 2007):
 well.....
Try and see it from his point of view and tell him that your sons always come first with you and that he needs to change or its over, and try not 2 keep letting you kids walk all over you as that may be the problem??
A
female
reader, mellissa333 +, writes (10 January 2007):
 I think that your children are the closest thing you have, and you shouldn't even think about surrounding them with someone, who in end result will make it miserable for them, and you. End it now I say.
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female
reader, DeeDoc  +, writes (10 January 2007):
 THESE ARE MY THOUGHTS: Oh darlin, first of all, my heart goes out to you big time. I can feel your despair. This is a difficult situation not only for you and your boys, but also your mate. I take it that your boys are grown and on their own except one. Okay. Let's talk about the ones that are not living with you and your mate. There are two sides to every situation. You are a mom, he is your mate. Could it be that when your boys get in trouble or need something, your mate maybe feels like since they are on their own, they should own up to responsibility and not rely on their mom when situations get difficult? If that is the case, "tough love" should come into the picture. Before I say anymore, you should really researh 'co-dependency'. Please read on that subject. I have a son 18 years old and my hubby has a daughter who is also 18. Whoa. The two have very different personalities and have been brought up differently. You should respect his views as well as he should respect yours. Please, please sit down and talk about it. If you have a relationship (as well as a child togther) you guys need to do this. It is a difficult position to be in, I know. But, there is light at the end of the tunnel, trust me. And I have to add that people who have not been in this situation, does not know the emotional empact and should answer carefully, I beg. Please send me a PM. Do not give up hope, there is a 'little one' involved here that deserves a fair shot. Give me a Pm sweetie...I'll chat at you soon.XX
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female
reader, Lilly223 +, writes (10 January 2007):
 Bravo! Bravo, Irish!!! Excellent advice! You nailed it!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2007): It sounds like your kids lacked an authoritative, structured upbringing. They need tougher boundaries, firm limits and they need to learn about consequences. Could this be what is probably causing the problem between you and your bf. He is seeing you lacking in the parenting skills. Where is the biological father in all this? Is he involved in the lives of your three sons?
It sounds like your partner is fed up and has a difficult time handling your children's, acting out behaviors. as a result. Their behaviours are adversely affecting his lives and the lives of his beloved (you) and new baby. He's unsuccessfully trying to tell you something and you are not responding. Sadly, he has turned against your children because he see the destructive path they are on and he no longer wants to be a part of that? No one wants that type of dysfunction in their life. So as a result, you are both arguing a lot over the kids. I hate to say this but your relationship won't work unless you get proactive and decide to help your kids become more disciplined and structured in their lives or say to them 'enough!' I don't know if your two eldest sons can be worked with. They sound like they are out-of -control young people. But you can help the youngest son you have still lliving with you.
When we raise children, the parent is the person helps the kids find structure and balance in their life. We can only do this by setting up rules, regulations and marking ouy very clear expectations. This is called structure. . If you aren't doing this, your partner is clearly frustrated. If you can start realizing that perhaps setting strict boundries with your sons and standing firm and consistant, may help to gain your partner's respect and moral support of what you are trying to achieve. I suggest you get into a well-recognized, good parenting class that teaches parents, how to discipline and teach their kids about respect, honor and how not to take the take the crap kids will dole out. Only, you can be the 'glue' that can mend this, if you want. Stay loving, but stop ignoring this and start 'being a strong, more tougher parent and when hopefully if your partner sees your efforts...he will support you and the arguing will stop. You have a big job ahead of you. Good luck
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female
reader, rammsteinfan +, writes (10 January 2007):
 You didn't state the ages of your sons...the one living with you and the two that aren't. But don't worry about being too strict with the son that lives with you. You will find that when he gets older, he won't resent you for it (I am a single mother of two boys). I used to yell alot at my boys...until I found out it didn't work. So I gave them "time outs" in their room. And when the time out was over, I asked them what was the reason why they were in trouble, and what they learned from it.
When they were arguing and fighting...instead of yelling at them their "punishment" was that they had to sit down and do MAD LIBS with me (MAD LIBS are books with a story, but you have to fill in the blanks with nouns, adjectives, names ect) I had them take turns to for the words. By the time I read the story back to them everyone was laughing so hard that my sons didn't even know what they were arguing about. Then I found out that humor helped out greatly in raising my sons! Also humor helps out in any relationship with bfs, too! Laughing is a great stress-reliever too!
Being strick with your son will help out...it will show him that you love him and want him to grow up and be a model citizen in this world. Being too soft will make him go and do things that he shouldn't do.
I hope that this helps! GOOD LUCK to you and yours!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2007): Probably not.
Sounds as if you are too indulgent with your children, and this obviously irritates your partner. As Paddy says, you have to put your children first - at least while they are still under age - but set stricter limits.
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female
reader, aztechmark5 +, writes (10 January 2007):
aztechmark5 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks paddy will try, anyone else have some more advice?
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A
male
reader, paddy +, writes (10 January 2007):
At the end of the day bloods thicker than anything and your kids are your priority. But if the main issues arises with your parenting skills ie yr too soft with your kids. then youve simply got too find the balance and this will be hard as both sides may get upset but at the end of the day you have to make yourself happy and put youself first before your partner and your kids.
Best of look 2 you girl x
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