A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:he hasn't said he loves me am I a fool?I've been with my boyfriend for 4 months going strong. Before that we met in January and went out 6-7 times and broke up for a month cos he was unsure if he wanted to commit to our relationship. He came back and fully commited to me beginning of march.My problem is this: He hasn't said he loves me properly off his own back.We spend all our time together and he puts me first in almost all of his decisions (i say almost all because he has two children from his 8 yr relationshp before me and obviously they come first in some things)He is very caring and I *feel* like he loves me.A month ago we had a series of bad rows where my temper took over and I said nasty things (really insulting things about his background) he forgave me but he said it had hurt him bad.We went on holiday 3 weeks ago and just before we went we'd had a discussion about whether or not he loved me. I said to hm that I loved him and I wasn't sure if he did me or not. He said that he did but he felt as though he didn't want to say it too me as I might run a mile because we'd only been seeing each other a few months.I was very happy that he said he felt the same way. He seemed very happy and said to me now that I had opened up to him, he could open up to me more.Well a week later we had a row over something and nothing and I said some really hurtful and evil things. He went a bit distant but still came to see me every night and displayed affection.However, when i asked him if he loved me he said that he wasn't sure if he was in love with me. I was gutted and cried, he was devestated that I was crying and said that I was in his heart, he thought about me all the time but he felt like I had stopped him from falling completely.That day after he'd gone, he was really worried that I would finish with him and kept texting me to see if I was ok. He wanted reassurance from me that I wasn't going to just dump him. He was also worried that I'd start distancing myself from him and not give him as much afffection - he said that if I did that then we wouldn't be moving forward. He said that he just wanted things to carry on progressing forward in the relationship, but the arguments had set him back a bit.Well I tried to think positively. Then we got on holiday and had a massive row again because I couldn't get it out of my head that he wasn't in love with me. He said that it wasn't that he didn't love me, just wasn't sure if he did. He said he didn't feel this overwhelming desire to say it to me. He said he felt as though 4 months (6 of knowing him) was not long enough to say "I love you"But he also said that i was in his heart and that he only thinks about me all the time. I got so upset that i told him that we'd have to break up and we rowed until he begged me to change my mind and cried.He then said he DID love me and when I'd asked why he said he didn't he said it was cause it was a hangup from when he was young and he used to fall in love really quickly then end up burned. He said he didn't want my attitude to change once he'd told me that.He then told me he loved me. So after that I felt reassured. like I said I *feel* like he is crazy about me but he is still not telling me he loves me. Before I got with him he'd been broken up with the mother of his kids for 8 months. He had fallen out of love with her in the last year of their 8 year relationship.He has put things on his facebook like that he is very happy and loving life and also changed his status to say he is in a relationship with me. I knew he had only done this to make me feel more secure and he admitted this.So I don't know what to think. We have talked about the future and he has said that we can think of moving in together if we stay strong and good in a year's time. We have not argued since the last time and have been getting on great. He gets very insecure too. Like he'll be constantly worrying if I'm gettin bored of him being with me all the time, or if I am going off him etc. He can also get jealous from time to time.He says he loves being with me and we do have a good laugh together.I don't know what to think.....he hasn't said those three words since we got back from holiday and I'm wondering if he said those just to make me feel better and not cause he meant them? Even though he swears he does mean them and that if he didn't care he wouldn't be bothered if I finished with him but when I said I had finished with him on holiday, he felt empty and absolutely gutted.What to make of this?
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female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (12 July 2010):
 What to make of this? Good grief, you have forced him to tell you he loves you! You say he's very insecure - and he does seem to care for you even so, but don't you realize that with all the pressure you're putting on him and all the rows, you're making the both of you miserable?!
You've been dating only four months. It takes a long time to really get to know another person and to see how compatible you are.
What is so darn important about three little words?! The reality of a relationship is when the love gets expressed in action! Words are cheap, as "they" say, what counts is the way you treat each other day-to-day. His behavior speaks well of him - and you're giving him all this grief just because he won't say "I love you"!
Please, get your priorities straight, or he may well get thoroughly fed up with all the arguments and pressure before too much longer!
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